Tuesday, 14 August 2012

It gets better.

Remember me? A weak, tired little soul with no hope and no motivation, desperately trying to fight my way out of the darkness..

I haven't posted on  here in a while as things have been crazy, a total rollercoaster to say the least! But for once I am not the barer of a depressing helpless post begging for support and motivation, woohoo! I come in peaaaceeee :) sorry I'm mad I know! So little update in my crazy wee world...

I have finally after years of hiding who I am and pretending to be someone I'm not, came out as bisexual, it took a HECK of a lot of guts but honestly I feel so much more free now I can be myself without worrying about hiding who I really am. I decided it was time because well I've met someone and I am well and truely in love! It is honestly the most amazing feeling the world, and guess what? She loves for ME, all my flaws and imperfections, she doesnt see me as an illness or treat me any different, she loves me for the person I am inside, and that feels so good knowing that well maybe I amn't totally unlovable?

I have started to slowly gain weight and I amn't going to sit here and say im enjoying it or that its a great barrel of laughs and joy, but one thing is I AM starting to feel the benefits of weight gain - and I am enjoying those! I feel as though Im finally getting my spark back, I have so much more energy, I have a spring in my step, my heart is back to healthy and so is my blood pressure and heart, my periods are back regularly (TMI I KNOW), I have so much to look forward to and am actually starting to (wait for it........) ENJOY life! Yes me, you read that right, am starting to enjoy life!

I amn't fully better yet, thats a long way off, and I amn't saying things are perfect, but what I am saying is that it DOES get better. Trust me. I was in the darkest place I could ever have imagined a few months back and never thought I would get out, and I know if you are struggling yourself you will be reading and thinking "that will never be me" but it WILL, I promise, I used to think the exact same.

 Everyone who knows me well, and people who follows me on this blog will have seen how unwell I have been in the past, so desperate and unhappy, but they never gave up on me ever. None of you guys did. You held onto that hope for me when I couldnt hold it myself, even when I had given up on myself, none of you guys did, you cheered me on and pushed me along no matter how unwilling I was.

As I said I still have a long long way to go, and I am beginning therapy at the end of this month, but for the first time in about 7 years, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am actually getting glimmers of hope and happiness - about bloody time too! And so I wanted to say thank you, to my followers, my family and friends, and beautiful people from work and who I've met throughout my journey, thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for unconditional love and support, it means more than you can imagine. I know that this therapy is going to be the thoughest thing ive had to do, because it brings up everything Ive so desperately tried to supress because it was too painful to dealwith, but I am ready now, Im ready to finally get my life back, it's not gonna be easy I know that but I am closer to recovery than I have ever been and I amn't giving up now. I cannot yet see the finish line, but I trust and believe that it is there, and I know you will all continue cheering me along until I reach it.

So, to anyone who is hopeless, struggling, desperate - I am here, I care, and it gets better, it really does. So don't give up just yet, hold on just that little bit longer, because life really can be amazing, and God can do wonderful things...

much love
xxxxx

Sunday, 8 July 2012

It's dark and cold, and I'm alone

I am trying to tackle my food demons head on. I'm slowly gaining weight and my physical health is improving, but everything else is getting worse.
 It's like a seesaw, as soon as I try to tackle one thing all the other issues and problems that the anorexia hid are becoming more and more unbearable to deal with.
My mind is a very dark and horrible place right now.
I dont want to tell my friends about it because I feel like they're becoming fed up with me, being the ill one, the one they have to deal with, it's not fair on them so I'm plonking on my big smile every day, but as things get worse it's getting harder to do.
I cant pretend anymore. I'm sorry.
I am struggling so much.
I wish I was stronger. I really do.
I am scared of myself, scared of how strong and intrusive these thoughts are.
I don't know how to cope, I feel like I'm sinking, deeper and deeper..

Thursday, 28 June 2012

up, up, and away


I dont really know how to start this off, because there's just so so much going through my head right now and its all jumbled and rather mixed up, so my apologies if this doesn't make much sense but I need to get it all out of my head.

I literally feel as though I have been punched in the face, my weight went up again today and I feel absolutely awful (which isn't unusual for me) and I know it's the only way I can get better but still it feels horrible. I burst into tears when I stepped on those darn scales, it frustrates me how that number has SO much control over me, and after being weighed today I done something really stupid. I am annoyed at myself for it. But seeing that number go up AGAIN, just made me want to scratch my eyeballs out, so I may have like not eaten all day (I got weighed in the morning). Please dont hate me, I know now it wasnt the right thing to do - and I forced myself to have a bigger dinner, and I told my mum what happened and explained to her I may need a bit more support the next few days, because for me seeing my weight go up is like 'erm excuse me make it go down' but ahbbhwfi  WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THAT?! I feel like I've failed, everyone, everything, Im sorry. But it's not going to happen again. Tomorrow is a new day, right?

The horrible thing is, now that I am trying to eat more and sort out the eating disorder side of things, everything else is getting worse. For so long I didn't really have to feel/think about anything because I was on such a high from starvation and was so focused on staying ill, it took over everything, but now I am feeling things again, horrible horrible thoughts and emotions, horrible vivid flashbacks of things I desperately dont want to remember, and I dont know what to do with them. I am scared,  my head is horrible right now, I dont know how to cope with everything. I feel so engulfed by it all.

Also, my appetite has really started to come back now and I am absolute petrified I'm going to lose control and not be able to stop eating. I AM SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and it's scary, I'm scared I'm already eating too much, I'm scared my weight will just keep going up and up and up and I will end up like one of those obese people on tv :'( I never feel full now, and I'm like aaahhhhh Ive already eaten so much why am I STILL hungry?!! owuqiyyf :(

Blehh, I feel like a big fat disgusting pig. I cannot stand the sight of myself and my body, I just want to hide away forever so nobody has to see me :(

Sunday, 17 June 2012

My body is changing and I dont like it..


I dont know if it is just my eyes and head, or if everyone else sees this, but my body is really starting to change. For the first time in months I cant feel my hip&rib bones as much, and as sad as it may sound that scares the living shit out of me because for me being able to feel my bones protrude so far out gave me some sort of sick satisfaction and I liked it. But I was having a shower last night and I burst into tears because I looked down at my body and what I saw was so different and big compared to what used to be there. It repulsed me. So there I was sitting crying in the shower because my bones dont show as much, how fucking sad is that. I felt annoyed at myself for being so upset about it because I actually do want to get better, but I feel so uncomfortable in my body and I'm so ashamed of it right now. I wouldn't even let the doctor feel my tummy the other day because I cant bare the thought of anyone seeing it. It feels as though the more I'm fighting against ana the louder she is getting. Every single day I have to fight with all my will to resist her, I hate how every single day every moment is focused around food and my weight. I just want to have fun and not think about it all the time. I just feel so unhappy inside and outside, why isnt this getting any easier? :(

Friday, 8 June 2012

A big black hole

My life. That's how it feels right now, just a big black hole. As each day passes my mood seems to be dipping even further and everything hurts a little more. I've lost my fighting spirit to say the least, but I didn't want to tell anyone because I dont want everyone to be dissapointed in me, see I am trying, but I cant hold it in anymore. I am a mess. I can feel myself slipping further and further into depression land and I honestly dont know what to do.  My "treatment team" seriously dont seem to give two flying shits. My doctor says I'm fine, even though I expressed my suicidal feelings to her quite strongly, and she said shes happy with my weight as it is (even though it is "seriously underweight"). Yeah because I am fucking fat.

 I really want to join a gym, they said I'm fine physically so why shouldn't I? I hate my body so much I am REPULSED by it so maybe a little exercise may make me feel a bit better. Or it could go the other way, and with the way I am feeling right now I suspect the latter is most likely. But I am fat. I hate myself. And I seriously do not know how much more of this I can take. I just want it all to end.

Friday, 1 June 2012

I knew it would hurt, but not this much..

It's been over a month now that I've been following my weight gain meal plan and so obviously my weight was going to go up. It's common sense really. So I had prepared myself for my weigh in yesterday.. at least I thought I had. I told myself it was going to go up and that it had to go up at some point anyway, so I went in thinking right this isn't going to be very nice but I'll be okay. I wasn't okay. Far from it in fact.

The doctor opens the door to the treatment room and with a click it closes behind us. I can feel my heart racing, pounding in my chest, BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM, everything is spinning around me so fast, I feel sick, I dont want to step on the scales, I dont want to see, I dont want to know.
I step on the scales, the number flashes up, I step off again. On, off, just like that. It's done, it's over, the number went up as expected. I didn't expect to feel quite so awful though, I thought that because I want to get better now it would be okay. It really wasn't. I feel a tear stream down my cheek, and another, and another, "well done, I'm very proud" the doctor says, trying to make me feel better, I tell her what's going through my head. It went up by too much, I'm  fat now, I'm fat and I hate it, its too much, the number is too high, I knew it would go up, but I wish I didn't have to see. I wipe away the tears as she takes my blood pressure and tells me that it's still very low, usually that would be give me a sort of comfort, but I just feel sad. She tells me I'm still very underweight and that I need to keep going, the first weight gain is mainly water and help to fix my organs, so I need to take a deep breath. I feel dissapointed in a way, disappointed that actually I amn't okay, that the voice in my head has suddenly turned up a notch, I feel sad, I'm self concious and scared that I look fat now.

 I feel so unhappy in myself and I hate my body right now, it's as I've walked straight into a brick wall. I go home, I dont eat much, Im not hungry, still swallowing the weight gain, trying to tell myself that it's okay, that its good, but A isnt happy, it's screaming and screaming, and so I go out with my friend for the day, I eat, but in my heart I know its not enough. A tells me I'm doing good and that I need to stop the weight gain, I listen for a while, sulking in my sadness and hatered of the situation. I pretend I'm okay, that I'm happy and I dont care, but I do.

Suddenly I realise what I'm doing, what I always used to do if I gained weight - listen to A and do what it tells me, slip back into its clutches. I'm restricting to make up for the weight gain. It's such an easy trap to fall into. But I've noticed, and I fight back, I eat some chocolate and pick myself back up. I'm determined and I will not give in, this is what I need to do to get better, restricting again isn't going to make it easier or make it go away, it's going to make it worse.

 I'm still feeling really rubbish and low and just not very good about the whole thing, but I know deep down that I'm doing the right thing. I just wish it wasn't so hard....

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

I cant escape.

I thought eating was meant to be making me feel better? not worse...
My mind is filled, bursting, with destructive thoughts. I need to get out, I need to escape. I may seem like I'm okay because I am starting to eat again, but I feel worse inside than I ever have before and I honestly dont know what to do. I am hurting so much all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear..


Sunday, 20 May 2012

BLEH.

BLEH. That's how I feel right now. Just bleh, and urgh, and UHSOOUDHIFVIDSK! :( yeah that good. You'd think that with the amount I've cried over these last couple days I had a bloomin river inside me or something. It starts and it just doesnt stop. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. getting fatter by the day, squidgy squidge, and failing at life. woohoo, everything is fucking brilliant. Maybe I cant do this, its all too much, depression wise I'm like a frigging zombie right now I feel as though I've fallen off the cliff and I'm right at the bottom. again. Trying so hard not to self harm, must keep eating, just want to close my eyes and make it all stop, fatty fatty lalalalala SHUT UP HEAD, wait you're right I am DISGUSTING AND VILE. well thats how I feel. this makes no sense does it? but hey my head is jumbled like a broken jigsaw so yeah. Para para paranoiddddd, they're laughing at me, they want to hurt me, everyone thinks im fat, wait thats because I am, or is it all a trick? they are definitely staring, I want to hide and never leave the house. Crying on the bus oh yeah thats a fucking great look, were did this come from? I had a good day with my friends, now all I see darkness. Maybe I cant do this.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Trying to be strong

People say to me that this gets easier in time, but what I want to know is how long do I have to suffer before I start to get the benefits of recovery? Because right now it just seems to be getting harder and harder the more I fight against the beast inside me. She is screaming and shouting and kicking her feet, grabbing me tight as I try to wrigge free, trying everything in her power to drag me back into her pitt of hell, and I am using all the strength I can find to fight it, but I feel like complete and utter poop right now. I'm still not sleeping very well, my anxiety is through the roof - I feel like when I go out everyone is laughing at me, it feels like everything is closing in around me and they're pointing and laughing, even when strangers look at me I panick that they are thinking how fat and ugly I am, it scares me that other people think about me the same way I think about me. Also my mood has been really low and to be honest I cant even explain it I just feel so unhappy and I'm crying a lot more. I'm sick fed up of feeling this bad. I dont want to hurt anymore. I just want to be okay...

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Negativity is clouding over.

I'm really not feeling good in myself at the moment, I feel as though I've all of a sudden balloned and the ED voice in my head is yelling so so loud telling me how fat I am and that I should give in to it but I'm trying as hard as I can not to. It just feels like the more I fight then louder it gets! Im doing things with my friends again though which is nice, one of my bestestest friends stayed at my house last night and we had such a good time, laughing and chatting and just being normal teenagers, she reminded me of why I want to get better, she showed me a good time and made me feel happy for the first time in ages - so thank you beautiful. To be honest I need some encouragement just now and I hate to say it because I dont want people to think I'm weak, I'm just finding this harder and harder as it goes on and I'd usually give in to ED by now so this is like aaahhh so hard not to when its yelling so loud! Fear not though, I am not giving in, I'm struggling a bit - but NOT giving in.















Saturday, 5 May 2012

Yet the poison still fills my mind

This is harder than I'd ever imagined it could be. Now that I'm fully commiting myself to recovering I'm doing things I never thought I'd do. I've surrendered all the control around my meals and food, which is a massive thing for me because eating (or lack of it) was something I could always be in control of regardless of what was going on around me, and I liked that. I liked to have a sense of control because everything else in my life was totally out of my control and there was nothing I could do.
Trust is another thing, it's always been something I've struggled with, I guess after everything that happened its not surprising though. But now I'm having to trust the people who love me that they know what is best for me, they're not making me eat too much, they're not trying to make me fat, they just want me to be healthy and happy, and until I can do that for myself I'm trusting them to be in charge of my meal plan etc.
I'm not going to lie though and say its all rosy and great, because its not, this thing, this poison in my mind that is my eating disorder is like a raging fire just now. Screaming, taunting, constantly; they're just trying to make you fat ; you've gained too much weight already. Honestly I'm struggling to fight it off, it's loud and aggressive and I wish it would just let go, I wish it would take the hint ; I dont want you anymore, I want a life, recovery, happiness. But no, it feels as though its only getting louder and louder with each mouthful, every meal/snack I manage is one too many, it's like pushing a button  and setting off fireworks. I wish I had a button to turn it off though, I dont know what to do sometimes I feel so trapped, trapped in my own mind, but I will keep fighting with all I've got, because I know what I want and I can see it clearly - I want a life. I was only killing myself, anorexia was killing me, but it was all I was living for... why? Why should I live for something that is only going to kill me?
I'm finding this sooo tough I cant even put into words, but I will keep fighting on, I may need a hand - but that's okay right?

Thursday, 3 May 2012

lightbulb?

People often talk about a 'lightbulb moment' in recovery, and for 7 years I have waited and waited for this lightbulb moment to come for me. It never came. I attempted recovery maybe twice throughout my illness and didn't ever get anywhere. It was like I reached a certain point and it was like I just didn't have it in me to continue, but now as I look back I realise that I wasn't fully commited to it, I was fooling myself thinking I could get better on anorexia's terms.

"I'll do it but only eat healthy,and as soon as I get to a healthy weight I'll join the gym so I can lose the weight again"

Where as in reality I cant get better on her terms, because that's not truly getting better. Before now I never completely wanted recovery if I'm honest, there was always a part of me hanging on to my illness regardless of what I was telling myself and everyone around me. I wasn't ready to let go. I hadn't seen my anorexia for the evil it really is. I was still clinging on to the hope of perfection, for ultimate satisfaction. I'd given up on the thought of ever recovering, and so I sat back and let anorexia destroy me once more. For the last time.

Something within me clicked, I'm not sure whether it was a 'lightbulb' moment or not, but something clicked. It was when I overdosed about a month ago and ended up in hospital having damaged my stomach and being told that was the closest I'd ever been to actually succeeding in killing myself that I realised, it was almost like a voice, something outwith my control, saying to me 'I don't want to die' I was confused, bewildered in fact, why would I realise that I didn't want to die now? Why had it taken something so serious to shake me? I thought I'd wanted to die.

Spending a few weeks on bed rest proved to be the kick up the backside I needed. I can truly honestly say now that after 7 years of this hell, I am 100% commited to recovery. Now I look at my illness and all I see is hatred, and anger - it's done nothing but cause me pain and stolen away most of my teenage years - why the hell should I continue to let it ruin MY life? I should be out there with my friends having fun, experimenting, enjoying life, but instead I was cooped up in bed too weak to leave the house. And it's now been over 2 weeks I've been following my meal plan, which may not seem like much to some people, but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I cant even explain how hard I am finding this, every day is such a battle - but for the first time ever, I'm actually fighting it. No one else can do it for me, I know now that it has to come from ME, I have to fight this and I will.

I want to recover for good, hear that ana? I'm going to kick the shit out of you.


Tuesday, 1 May 2012

time to say goodbye to the old me..


Sometimes it takes someone else to point something out to us for us to realise that perhaps what we are doing isn't the right thing, or isn't helpful to us or them in any way, an outsider looking in can sometimes be all we need to give us the kick start to changing the little things.

And this is what I am doing now, starting with twitter. As some of you might know I've been on twitter for some time, used it as an outlet, a place to talk to other people who were going through the same thing, it was like another little world I lived in. But I realise now that it wasn't always a helpful thing for me, it was feeding into my eating disorder, focusing on the negatives and being around so many people who also were battling the same illness. They were lovely people dont get me wrong, but I need to leave that part of me behind if I am to say goodbye to my eating disorder for good, I need to free myself of all unhelpful 'anorexic' things and habbits one by one, and so I deleted my twitter account this morning.

I know it's only one little thing, but I know deep down that it is what's best for me in my recovery, I need to surround myself with the people who love me and know me for being ME, not the anorexic girl, I don't want that tag anymore. I want to be known as ME, the real me, the one my true friends know is in there somewhere, and she's dying to come out. Bit by bit, day by day, she will start to shine again...

Love,
Hope xx

Monday, 30 April 2012

I wish my head would stop.


If only there were such a thing as an off button for my head. Even just for a few hours, to have peace from this war that continues to rage on inside my head. It's tiresome, draining, and it's taking a hell of a lot of fighting to keep going.

For so long I have obeyed the rules of my eating disorder, I have allowed it to be in control, I have lived by its rules and followed its commands, I have pushed myself and punished myself beyond means. I've never really properly fought back. Until now. I don't think it's ever heard me scream back, which is what I am doing right now. It's proving to be very difficult though, it's like as soon as I scream back, it screams louder, tempting me with it's promises of happiness and perfection, teasing me with it's taunts;

'fat, disgusting, failure, no one's gona want you now, I can make you happy, why are you eating so much? you are only going to get fatter, then what will you do? you'll never be thin at this rate, then all your friends will abandon you because they dont want to hang with the fat girl, you look like an elephant, everyone's laughing at you, you cant do anything right, no wonder you were bullied you fatty!' Ignore them, I can make you happy, I'll make you pretty then people will like you, come on, put that biscuit down its only going to add another lb, I'm never going to let you defy me!'

For the past god knows how many years I've always given into that voice, hoping that maybe 'this time I'll get thin enough so I'll be happy' but that never happened, and thats what I'm trying to keep in mind just now as I'm trying with all my heart and soul to keep fighting against this parasite that is my eatinng disorder. It never made me happy before, regardless of how low my weight got I was never thin enough, I still felt fat and horrible. Even now at my weight and BMI I'm at I cant do anything, I have no energy, simply walking up the stairs makes me want to collapse into bed, I'm so deeply unhappy, I'm not sleeping, I'm a mess, I still see a big fat ugly girl when I look in the mirror. I dont want this life, I need to keep reminding myself of this, because right now I feel like absolute shit, my head is sprouting me all these taunts and I just feel so bleugh, this is always when I end up giving in, end up saying I cant do this anymore and falling back into my eating disorder, but NO, NOT THIS TIME. Oh no, shout all you want, scream all you want, I am one determined little soul and I will NOT GIVE UP. I'm feeling awful, but that doesnt mean I'm giving up!!! I'm trying to distract myself and surround myself with positiveness as much as possible, so if I start to retreat back into my shell please feel free to kick me up the bum, I need as much support as possible right now as this when I'm weakest to my eating disorder and it knows that.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

baby steps, one foot after the other..


I don't even think I can put into words how hard I'm trying right now, I'm kinda suprised at myself actually, but in a good way. I'm following my meal plan completly, knowing that yes it is a weight gain meal plan so yes I am going to gain weight, I think I've kind of like regardless of shit I feel about myself and my body I've accepted that well I NEED to gain weight, where as before I was always like oh yeah I'm totally gona get better but not gain any weight - pfft who was I even kidding? You cant recover from anorexia without gaining weight, and I want to recover so badly, I am sick absolutely sick fed up of living like this, and so yeah I am following my meal plan (even right up to the drinking MILK instead of diet coke, Jo would be so proud!) knowing that my weight is gona go up. It's not easy to fight this, these thoughts, my head, are screaming at me like crazy, but I'm actually screaming back for once.

 I was sitting in my room feeling a bit rubbish this morning after having my breakfast, my head was screaming telling me how disgusting I am and that nobody's gona want me now, and I was thinking about just how bad I've actually got and how much of a mess I've managed to get myself into, all because of this horrible illness, how much I'm missing out on, and I just got soo angry at myself and at my illness for doing this to me, I punched my wall, like really hard, it hurt! I jumped up out of my little pit of feeling shit(haha that rhymes) and punched my wall next to my mirror. It felt good, I but it hurt.
I looked at myself and all I could think was 'is this really what I've become?' For a moment I looked at myself and I didnt recognise myself. I amn't Rachael, I'm just a hollow beaten existence. My hair is thinner, my lips are chapped and dry, my eyes are heavy and dark, my skin is dry and pale, my pj's were hanging off me, I just look horrible. I still dont see myself as thin, but what I did see was that in that mirror, it wasnt me. The girl staring back looked sad, weak, and tired, and I dont want to be that. I want to be the Rachael that's hyper and happy and driving people crazy with my madness, I want to be the Rachael that's out with her friends laughing and joking, not this 'thing' I have become.

Well this is the last time, this is the last straw for me, I dont want this anymore, I dont want to be the sad, tired, weak girl for the rest of my life. I want Rachael back. I want my long shiny hair, and glowing skin, and my clothes to fit me. I look like a half dead child. How on earth is that 'beautiful'? I know how hard this is gona be, tis gona be one hell of a fight, but for once I'm actually screaming back at anorexia (maybe not very loudly yet) but I'm sure as hell gona get louder as I get healthier. I am going to keep following my meal plan, I am going to put my trust in those around me who I know want the best for me, until I'm well enough to see for myself  and trust myself to keep going, but until then I know I'm gona need a bit of shove and a push, but that's okay, right? I'm going to get myself well enough to be able to participate in therapy which starts in august, which is gona help me deal with my issues once and for all. I AM going to get better, baby steps, one foot after the other, I can do this.

So anorexia can take that and shove it where the sun dont shine.


xxx

Friday, 27 April 2012

fighting on, no matter what..

Other people can support&encourage me but I'm the one who has to do the hard work..



The more I think about a future without anorexia, the more I want it!



People keep telling me that I CAN beat this, and so beat it I WILL




Thursday, 26 April 2012

positive meeting at CAMHS..

well today I had a meeting at CAMHS (child adolescent mental health service) with my psychiatrist and a CPN(community psychiatric nurse) and we discussed what the plan is gona be to help me get back on track, it was a really positive session in all. I got weighed which always causes me a lot of distress so I decided not to look, I'm going to try blind weigh-ins as I'm totally obsessed with numbers and its not helpful for me, I figured if I'm really going to get better I need to challenge these things and perhaps its a good thing not knowing because then I cant get so freaked out that I end up losing all the weight, so we shall see how that goes. I'm going to be seeing my psych once a month to get weighed and have a catch up, and see a cpn called Belinda weekly/fornightly for the next four months until I'm 18. Then I'll be going to the cullen centre which is an eating disorder service for over 18s, where I'll be doing DBT and CBT with a therapist who I met a few weeks ago(he seems lovely). The focus until then is really going to be to get my weight up to within a healthy range, get me back to work and going out with friends, working on ways to keep myself safe and well, so that when it comes to august when I start cullen I'll be well enough to actually do the therapy, and we're also hoping that as I start to nourish my body&brain my mood will improve, anti depressants will start to work, and hopefully I shall start getting some sleep, so yeah all in all I'm feeling positive about it. Obviously I'm really scared about the weight gain, but I've come to accept the fact that I cant recover without gaining weight, regardless of shit it may make me feel at first, I have to gain weight if I'm to get my life back and actually start living, but as I'm gona be doing blind weigh-ins I'm not going to know my weight which I think will really help. anyway I'm rambling now but just thought I'd update you lovely people on my positive day! :)
lots of love,
Hope xx

Sunday, 22 April 2012

I so desperately want to be okay, but I am not

I want to be okay. I want to be better. I want to be free, and happy, I want to say I'm doing great, that everything is rosy and I'm not hurting. But I'm not okay, I'm not better, I am hurting, I am hurting so much in fact. I don't know what to say, I am following my meal plan, I am trying, but everything is horrible, these thoughts, voices, in my head, telling me I'm fat, I'm horrible; disgusting; that I'd be better of dead, they're taking over every waking moment. You see, when I'm not eating, when I'm starving, it blocks out all these horrible thoughts and emotions, so I dont have to feel them, all I feel is the pain from starving; the hunger, the intense stomach pain; the racing heart. But I am starting to eat again, little bits at a time, slowly but surely, but now that means I'm faced with all these horrible thoughts, emotions, memories, that I've tried so hard for so long to block out. I dont like it one bit, my thoughts they are racing, the paranoia is intense ; nobody wants you, nobody really likes you; they're all secretly plotting against you; theyre distancing themselves because they dont want you around; they dont want you here; everyone is staring at you because you're so fat and ugly; theyre all laughing; they all want you gone, out of their lives, you're useless, a horrible friend, go on, die, no one wants you. It's all spinning around me so fast, I feel as though I'm on one of those things in a playground that spin round and round and round really fast until you scream for it stop so you can get off to be sick, but I cant get off, I want off, I want it all to stop, because I cant handle these things that are going through my head. The flashbacks from school, they zip through my head like a film reel, one after the other, but its not just these, the eating disorder;the voice in my head; its tearing me to shreds ripping me apart, because I'm eating, I shouldnt be eating, I dont deserve it, I'm going to become obese, everyone is just trying to make me fat ; I try to block it out, tell it to shut the fuck up, but its all so loud so fast, I have so much going through my head and I dont know what to do with it, because for so long I have punished myself, starved myself, exersised to the point of passing out, all to block it out, and now I'm not starving, the urges to self harm are intense, like knives being thrown at me, I need something, I need to feel something other than this pain, I need to block out what's in my head, but no, I cant self harm, I stopped for 2 years, everyone was so proud, my scars are clearing up, I can wear short sleeves, I try to ration with myself, come on Rachael dont do it, but the urges are strong, I need something, I need this to stop. I cant control it, I dont like it, I'm losing my grip, I need this to stop.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

I just want to be me...

I'm scared, I'm scared that I've pushed my friends away, that my illness has driven them away from me, I fear they no longer want me or need me, who would want to be friends with the ill girl? This is the way it goes every time, I get really sick again, end up on bed rest or worse still - in hospital, they move on, so many of them have moved/are moving away from this life, this illness, they dont want to be reminded of it, they want me to be well - but I am not, they cant stand to be around me while I'm like this, which I understand, but I've already lost so many friends because of this, and well I dont want to be alone when I come out of the other side - which i AM going to, I just fear that they cant wait any longer, there's only so much they can do or say, they're fed up of me - my illness, I'm not the girl they once knew, I'm nothing but a hollow, tired, shell - who wants that as a friend? I offer no qualities to them, I'm quiet, withdrawn, I dont laugh anymore, I'm lost, and theres only so much they can do..

I sit in my room, reading/hearing of their adventures, the sleepovers, days out, going off to uni, dance classes, holidays, and all I want is to be a part of that, I want to be out there with them, I'm so lonely here trapped in ana's clutches once again. I'm bored, alone, and I'm scared I've pushed them away for good. They cant trust me when I say I've eaten, after all the lies, the excuses - who would trust me? Most of them have been through it themselvs, they know the way it goes, they know and understand the place I'm in, many have been worse than what I am in fact, I just dont know what to do. What if they are moving on without me? Why should they wait? But this isnt the way I wanted it to be, I dont want this anymore, I want to be moving with them, not sitting here left behind, as always. I'm trying to get better, I really am, I'm fighting again, fighting back against the evil in my head, each mouthful gets a torrent of abuse, but unlike before - I force it down, i carry on, I think of my friends and how badly I miss them, how badly I dont want to lose them, and before I know it - thats another meal done. I pat myself on the back, for this is a good thing I'm doing, its whats I need to do. I am so so desperate to get the old Rachael back, the one my friends and family love, the girl with the great big smile who laughs at anything, the girl who's a proper shopaholic and needs to be dragged out of shops, the girl without anorexia. Thats the girl I want to be, I want to be Rachael.

Thinking of all this, I picture my illness as an evil dictator, pushing me, commanding me, dragging me down, pushing my friends out, alienating me, trying to mould me into something it wants - which in reality isnt even possible - no matter how sick I get It's never enough, theres always another few pounds to lose, always an extra lump of fat to burn off, why am I doing this? Its been 7 years, and not once has it made me happy. All it has done is to land me in hospital countless times, lose me many friends, stole away my teenage years, and to be honest the times when I've been most ill have been the times I've been most unhappy... so what continues to drag me into this? This evil dictator in my head. But this is my life, my body, my friends I'm on the verge of losing - why should I allow an illness to own me, to rule my life, to make my choices? For the first time ever since I've been ill, I'm beginning to recognize anorexia as not a friend, but an enemy, and evil, I am angry at it, angry at myself for continuing to obey it. A friend is someone who comes running to your rescue late at night when you've messed up bad, saves your life, holds your hand and hugs you tight while you're rushed to hospital but still loves you, a true friend is someone who goes to all the effort of making you up meal plans because well camhs arent all that great at doing that, a true friend is someone who goes round lots of your friends and gets messages of support to make into a collage to show you how loved you are, a true friend is someone who laughs with you; cries with you, a friend isnt someone who abuses you, hurts you.

So if you're reading this, I love you, please dont leave me just yet, I need you guys, I promise I'm getting better, I promise I'm going to make you proud. I'm sorry for the lies, for the pain, the anger, for having to put up with my illness, but please dont leave me, Rachael's coming back. She's coming back. For good this time. I know you've heard it before, and I know there will be doubt, but I know Its gona work out. The girl you loved, the one you went out for cake with, the one who you walked into your kitchen to find rolling round the floor with your cat even though shes allergic, that girl shes still in there, and I'm digging deep to drag her back out. I'm so lucky to have friends like you, and even if you do leave I will understand, I've pushed you so much, but I love you, all of you.

Hope
xxx

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

another step forwards or more steps backwards?

I did it. I binned my light/low calorie  "safe" foods. The weight watchers biscuits, the 10 calorie jelly, the extra light cheese spread, the lot. I binned them. They were like a kind of safety blanket - but in a bad way, I was eating, but living on 70 calorie biscuts and 10 calorie jelly - I figured it was unhelpful if im really going to properly recover to have them there, so I took a big (very scary) step and binned the lot. That way I cant be tempted.

She isnt happy though, this voice in my head, oh no, I'm now a big fat obese lazy disgusting failure who is going to die of fatness. The vile taunts are getting louder, because I fought back, like properly fought back for the first time in years, and she doesnt like it. But I dont like the abuse I'm getting now, sitting here in tears because I'm scared normal food will make me fat - what am I doing? what have I done? No, stop it, I will NOT go into asda and buy more, thats not gona make anything better is it? Listening to her has only landed me on bed rest while my friends are out having fun, too weak and tired to do anything, NO I wont give in to her.

andddd breathe, god this is hard....the hardest thing I've ever done. My head hurts, I hurt, she hurts.

Monday, 16 April 2012

pros & cons.

I decided to make a list of the pros and cons of giving into my illness, and safe to say I was shocked at the amount of cons I came up with, so I decided I'd share it with you guys in the hope that you may be able to help me come up with more. It oftens helps me to see these things written down, like having evidence against what the voice in my head is telling me, because right now, this is one loud voice

so...

Pros & cons to letting anorexia win.

pros:
I will be thin.

cons:

I'll be miserable, tired and hungry all the time.

Most likely end up in hospital

Be up at royal edinburgh all my life

Not be able to go to uni and become a nurse

Wont be well enough to go out with friends

too unwell to go on holidays

wont get married as I'll spend all my time in and out of hospitals

not be able to have my own kids

I'll end up pushing away all my friends

I'll have to watch my friends go on and make something of their lives while I'm stuck at home on bed rest too ill to leave the house, they'll move on without me

My family will be constantly having a go at me trying to make me eat

I'll be in constant pain, have no energy and feel weak and dizzy all the time

I will die young

wont be able to be a part of Minding Me

Will never be able to enjoy food

Wont get boobs

wont be able to go shopping and will forever live in childrens clothes

Everyone around me will be constantly worried about me

My life will revolve around lying, exercising, hospital appointments and starving.

Now thats a lot, right?!

Sunday, 15 April 2012

remembering my best friend, one year on.

Dear Ki,

I remember your smile, the way you would walk into a room and light the whole place up, the way when you smiled your eyes twinkled like stars. Because of your illness I didn't see you smile all that much, but when you did I felt a warmth in my heart. I remember the way you used to hug me and not let go for ages, you gave the best hugs, you used to whisper in my ear "never ever give up" and even to this day I still hear you say it. I remember that infectious giggle you had, when you started laughing you couldn't stop and it used to make me laugh so then the both of us would be sitting there laughing at nothing looking like a right pair! We were a right pair though you & me, remember that time we sat in the asda car park in your car blasting the spice girls drinking diet coke late at night? people walking past must of thought we were crazy, well we were really weren't we? You used to say I was the little sister you never had, and that you'd do anything to protect me, that all you wanted was for me to get better, you always told me that no matter how bad things are, it will get better. Remember we made that promise, that we'd do it together, we were going to get better together, the two of us, nothing was gona stop us (que rocky theme tune) I thought it was for real y'know, I felt safe, happy, with you by my side, even my mum loved you like one of her own... but then you left us. I remember the exact time, exact date, exact spot I was standing when my mum broke the news, I told her I hated her because she was lying, I screamed and cried and cried some more, it was real, I felt as though someone had stabbed me right in the heart, then I went numb. For weeks I felt numb, like I was just floating in a bubble, wasn't really living, because without you what life was there? You were basically my big sister, my best friend, the one who made everything feel better, and you were gone. Remember that time we 'tried' to bake a cake and you nearly blew up my house? I would do anything to have that moment again, anything, even just a hug, to have one more cuddle from you, to hear you tell me that everything will be okay, to see your great big smile, just one more time. Even though you're up in heaven now (hopefully big G is looking after you) I still see glimpses of you, a purple butterfly - thats you flying by to say hello, that great big star that follows me home every night - thats you protecting me, like you did when you were here, I speak to you a lot, do you hear me? I hope so, because sometimes I can almost hear you talking back to me. I hope you know how much I love you, and that I think about you every single day, I'm sorry I got sick again, I'm sorry I've not made you proud - but I am going to, I promise, I'm going to make you proud, do the things you wanted to do but couldn't, and I'll never ever forget you - you hold a special place in my heart that can never be touched, never. You were an angel on earth, and now you're my special angel up in heaven, I can't believe its been a whole year, hope you liked the flowers I left you. They're purple, of course, your favourite colour. I love you Kianna, I truely hope you are at peace now. Love always, your little sis,  xxx

Friday, 13 April 2012

my evil ghost..

They say that it gets easier in time, that when you start nourish your body up to a healthy weight your thought process changes, I've been told this so many times, and I've never really reached the stage where that's happened, in all my years of being ill I've not been at a healthy weight for longer than a month or so. It's like i've only ever got so far then BOOM i'm back to square one, it happens every time, and I'm fed up of it, I sometimes think well maybe I'll never recover? But I don't want that, I want to recover, I want to really properly get better, its just after countless failed attempts I'm back down at the bottom again, AGAIN, I dont know what to do, I seriously doubt myself. I want more than anything for this time to be different, for this to be the real deal y'know, to say goodbye to the illness that has stolen away my teenage years, lost me countless amounts of friends, turned me into nothing but a hollow shell, I want it gone, I dont want it anymore, I hate it, it's controlling, evil and deciteful - its not me anymore, its anorexia, it stole me away, THE REAL ME, where is she? she hasn't been there for many years, sometimes little glimpses come out, little sparkles of me, but never me. I'm not even sure who I am, anorexia its all ive known since about the age of 11, who am I really? what do I have to offer this big wide world? what's so good about little old me? what do I really want from life? I want to be free, I want to be happy and free and loving, I want to explore the world, want to see things from MY eyes, not anorexia's MINE. afterall this is MY body, it's my body anorexia has hurt, beaten, ruined, starved, time after time, I've fallen back into its arms. But not this time, no no no, no more anorexia, no more, you hear me? I am not your ghost anymore, I'm not your slave, I want a life, I want to live, I want a future without pain, hunger, fear, lonliness and anger - I want a future without you. This time, this last time, I swear I'm going to fight you with every last bit of me, you bring me nothing worth having - nothing, I realise that now, why would I want to come back to you? I dont, and I wont. No matter how hard you fight, no matter how loud you shout, I will rise above you, and destroy you, I will take back everything you have taken from me, EVERYTHING, and that includes MY body, its not yours to hurt anymore - its mine. so yeah, fuck you.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

I had my first cullen appointment today..

Well today I had my first appointment at the Cullen Centre for Eating Disorders, I met the therapist I'm going to be seeing there and he seemed lovely. I went in with an open mind, not quite knowing what to expect, but he spoke about trying DBT and CBT therapies which both sound tough but I said I'm willing to commit to it and put in the hard work it takes to really get better, and so he is going to start seeing me in 3 to 4 months when I'm closer to being 18 (which is in August).

I'm not entirely sure what is going to be happening until then but I'm guessing/hoping that I will see someone at camhs, I need as much support as possible at the moment as my head is really not in the best of places, but after my scare last week I really am determined, scared yes, but also determined. I have a hell of a lot to live for and get better for, I just need to get myself healthier and hopefully my brain will follow suit...






the future is waiting for me....

Tuesday, 10 April 2012


so my body decided to give up on me..

Well as anyone who reads this blog knows, I ended up in hospital on wednesday night, but got out later that night after an overdose. I got rushed back in on friday, I was doubled over screaming in pain so my mum called nhs 24 and they got me an appt with out of hour gp on friday evening.. I knew as soon as he looked at me what he was going to say.. "you need to go to a&e NOW"
So off I went, AGAIN, to a&e. Sent straight to high dependecy unit. Turns out that because of the overdose my stomach had ruptured and I've damaged all the lining, they thought I may have been bleeding from the inside, but luckily not. So I spent my weekend in hospital hooked up to drips, doped up on medication and pain killers. It was horrible, the pain rippled through my body, and yes it was incredibly boring. Although luckily I got a room to myself which helped as the ward was full of people throwing up/screaming and all sorts. The first night I was in combined assessment and I didn't get one hours sleep, there was a man going absolutely crazy screaming and shouting and throwing things at the nurses all night, and on top of that my blood pressure was very low (apparantly due to ED) so nurses were coming in every hour doing my obs and pumping me full of more medicines!
They moved me to another ward for the second night although I was kept on close observation because my bp was still low and sodium & pottasium levels were 'dangerously low'.
I was in for 2 nights and 3 days in total, very boring, but a few of my AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL best friends came to see me and cheered me up :) I don't lie when I say my friends are the best, I am one lucky girl, and I'm gona make them proud.. xx

Friday, 6 April 2012

and once again she ends up in hospital...

I guess the title of this post kinda gives it away huh? Silly little me went a bit crazy and ended up in a&e, ibuprofen overdose, luckily I got out that night though I hate accident and emergency, its full of drunks, old people and smelly people throwing up everywhere - not nice. To be honest most of what happened is a blur, but I do know for sure - I really well and truly wanted to die, right then when I took those tablets that was the one thing on my mind, certain death. So I thought it be a good idea (clearly not in my right mind) to run away and hide out in the freezing cold all day, that way I'd be burning calories being cold, and if the overdose didnt kill me - the cold would. Obviously that didn't quite go to plan. After sevral worried texts and calls from mum and my friends, a little glimmer of ME came out, it didnt last long, it literally just sprang up and I told my best friend where I was. I instantly regretted it. About 5 minutes later she came running towards me in floods of tears, she looked so scared, hurt, broken - all because of me. she hugged me while I cried and all i could think was - look what I've done. Next thing I knew I was lying in a rather squidgy hospital bed with my mum and best friend sitting beside me being poked and proded by student nurses and doctors... it hadn't worked. Now all I can think of is how hurt and scared all these people looked, they thought I was gona die, I cant get the image out of my head - my mum, dad, brother, best friend, her mum, all worried sick they were going to lose me - I hurt them, I hadn't just hurt myself, but I've hurt everyone who loves me. Over the last couple of days since it's happened I've been assesed by various doctors and psychiatrists, who to their credit were all so lovely and understanding (bar one nurse who kept looking at me like a piece of shit and snapping at me -did you do this to kill yourself then?) I felt like saying, well why the hell else would I do this to myself? stupid woman. Anyway, the suppport and love I've got from my close friends and family, and those of my wonderful friends on twitter and from work, has just been amazing, I really am shocked at how many people care about little old me, it's opened my eyes I guess - if I died I wouldn't be just hurting myself, I'd hurt them more because they'd be the ones who'd have to live with my actions, and quite frankly seeing Jo like that on wednesday night kinda touched me, like I have no self worth of myself so to me I'm always like oh her other friends are so much better than me they dont need me theyd be better off without me, but like she geninunely was petrified of losing me, ME, yes ME, people care about me - and it made me realise that I'd be putting her through what I'm going through since losing my friend Kianna to suicide - I cant do that to the girl, I love her and all my friends and family way too much to do that to them.

So yeah that's my little episode in a nutshell there. I've learnt a few things though, it seems like someone up there really isn't ready for me to go - this was my 7th unsuccessful attempt - what does that tell ya? Also, that I have the best friends and family any girl could ever ask for - I know that with their support and the support of The Cullen Centre and camhs I will be okay. i'm gona get through this.

I just want to say thank you Jo for everything, and to Pat, and my mum and dad & Callum (and the lovely wee police man who kept trying to cheer me up and tell me it can only get better now), thank you so much, and I'm really sorry I put you all through that.
xxx

Monday, 26 March 2012

thruthfully? I'm a mess..

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm hurting SO much inside, everything hurts, I just wish it would all stop. Im tired of always feeling so shit, I'm tired of this tiredness, every day is such a drag, I don't want to leave my bed, I dont wana leave the house, I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and never move. I look horrible right now, disgusting, so fat and frumpy. I've cried myself to sleep pretty much every night for the past few weeks, I cant stop crying, I don't know what to do.

I try to talk, but who really wants to listen? none of it really makes sense. My friends are amazing, but I'm scared they're starting to hate me because im so depressing and such a mess right now, I'm no fun whatsoever, I wouldn't really blame them if they walked away. All I do right now is cry, sleep, moan, cry some more, hurt, and sleep some more. Oh yeah and work. Everyone keeps saying I'm wasting away and that I'm ill, but no, thats not the case, every morning I wake up and I look bigger, I hate myself, I look and feel huge. I sat and cried yesterday morning because all my clothes made me look fat..it sounds SO stupid right?  But it's true, i feel revolting in everything.

I know this is such a depressing post and im sorry, I'd be surprised if anyone actually read it, and most of it is just ramblings, but yeah its only a slice of whats going on. I'm sorry I'm such a mess, I just had to get it out. I'm sorry I have literally failed EVERYONE.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

things have taken a turn for the worse..again...

So I dragged myself (well my mum did but still) to the GP last week, I broke down and told her everything. She was lovely, she sat and listened and asked me what was going on in that head of mines - she did my physical obs, which weren't good but lets not go in to that, and said she's very "concerned about my mental and physical well being" so she's called CAMHS and told them I need to be seen urgently. I'm scared, I'm scared of what they'll say, what they'll do, it will be outpatients that I see which is good -  I just hope I dont wait too long to get seen. Things in my head really aren't great, I'm a mess to say the least, I dont even know how to put it into words, except that I feel myself sinking further and further into this hell, every day is a chore, every waking moment is spent wishing it would all stop, these intrusive obsessive destructive thoughts are tearing me apart, tearing my family apart, everyone's constantly telling me theyre worried and that I look ill, but to me I'm huge, I'm horrible, disgusting, FAT. I dont know what I'm doing anymore, I'm lost, and scared.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

I GOT LOVE BOMBED!!!

Well then, hello everyone, I can't believe I got love bombed! I was not expecting that, my amazing best friend miss Josephine is truly the bestest ever, I love you, thank you. I was sitting reading all the comments crying, I can't believe all these people took the time to give ME support and encouragement, it means so much to me, thank you so so much Josephine, and thank you everyone who took the time to comment and make me feel special. I appreciate it all very much, thank you thank you thank you!!! So much love and respect for you wonderful people xxxx

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Hanging on by a thread..swinging back and forth

Sometimes I really don't know what the hell my head is saying to me. It's confusing and very contradicting at times. I still have that little teeny bit of hope in there somewhere - I know it's there, it has to be - even if I cant always feel it, I have faith that it is there. Otherwise I wouldn't have made the decision I have made - I've been referred back to Camhs as I really haven't been coping well (not my decision) things have not been good for some time now, and I've spent a lot of these past few days thinking about where my life will end up, how long I have to go etc, and I guess I've made the decision in my head - no matter how hard and distressing it may be - I am actually going to accept the help I get from Camhs, unlike before I was constantly lying and throwing it back in their faces - too engrossed in my illness to even acknowledge the meer thought of getting better, because this time, this is my last chance.. yeah there's still adult services which if things aren't any better by the time i'm 18 I will end up there, but camhs has so much more help available to me than adult services. and yeah I'm scared, I'm going to actually have to address the things that happened to me, the demons in my head, if i actually am to ever get better, and the biggie - If I am to really properly really reaaallly recover I'm going to have to face my biggest fear (every eating disorder patient's worse fear) of actually gaining weight. Yeah, I know, I cant do all this psychological work/therapy if my body/brain doesn't have the nutrition it needs to function, and I know I need help - these thoughts and things that go through my head I need help to overcome them, but I actually need to put in the effort and stick to my side of the bargain. But I'm being seriously honest here when I say I am shit scared - who isn't?

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

"the power to shine is in every one of us"

Once again, it's been a very tough week. It's been like a rollercoaster, up then down and up and down, although it's been mostly downs lately.

 I don't know whats happening in my head right now, it feels like the ED has gained some crazy amount of power and has completely overwhelmed me, my mood has been the lowest it's been in a VERY long time, I mean I know you can't always feel happy and I accept that, but I just feel totally overwhelmed by everything at the moment. I have SO much to look forward to, have so many amazing incredible people in my life, and for that I am more than greatful, but at the same time thing's in my head aren't going too well. I hate to moan and be all depressing because I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just feel so unhappy inside, it doesn't make sense to me because I have so many positive things in my life, I hate it, I don't understand anything right now.

I know logically I am underweight, a bmi of 15.4 can't really be fat, but at the same time I look in the mirror and see this humoungus, fat, chubby, disgusting thing. I'm so uncomfortable in myself I cant even like I'll sit and cry because all my clothes make me look obese, I'm hiding under baggy tops and trackie bottoms because I just cant bare the sight of myself.. I hate this is illness, it's so contradictaory. and i know to someone on the outside how stupid i must sound 'like omg im so fat my bmi is 15.4' I know that sounds bad, but in my head its like YOU FAT BITCH. I just wish my head would let me see what everyone else sees! urghhhh. It feels like I only ever get so far in recovery then I just hit a brick wall, I've officially hit that wall, I need help.

I'm hoping this will pass, but until then, I could really use some extra support, I hate to ask and be all depressing but I needed to get this all out somehow to at least and try and make sense of it - still no further but at least I got it out, right?

Saturday, 3 March 2012

simply wishing it would all just stop..

Even just for 15 minutes, I wish my head would stop, it's getting worse and worse, and I feel so out of control. It's spinning around so fast, these thoughts of self destruction and weight, they're loud and strong, and I can't handle it much longer. I'm losing the will to carry on.

The last time I had 'dangerous' thoughts like these was quite a while ago, but I was still in treatment then, and now they're back with a vengance and i'm like oh my god what do i do?! I'm trying to keep myself busy, but even my mum knows something's up, she heard me crying the other night, and walked in on me scratching and pulling profusely at my stomach trying to scrape off the fat, I was a state, she calmed me down, but it's happening more and more. It's scary.

I hate what I see in the mirror so much, hate doesn't even describe it, it's intense and painful, I can barely look in the mirror, it sounds so vain but it's just sheer hatered between my body &me, I'm caking myself in make up and plastering on a smile every day, it's a mask - inside I'm hating every minute of life right now. I've been pulling my hair out, and punching myself in the stomach and it feels good, I know thats bad, but I'm so uncomfortable and unhappy I just want to shrivel up.

So yeah I would absolutely love if my head were to shut up and start being nicer to me. I'm trying to hold on and fight through it, but it's getting harder and harder as each day goes by...

Thursday, 1 March 2012

recovery - so near but yet so far...


“Today is all we have, tomorrow is a mirage that may never become reality.” - Louis L'Amour

Have you ever wanted something so bad, so so bad you'd do anything to get it? and you fight and fight to get this thing - but years later, you still don't have it, you still want it so badly, but it feels as though every time you get a step closer, it moves another step further away from you...
That's how I feel about recovery at the moment, it's like a massive tug of war in my head -


'come on get better put your all into this'
'noo come with me i'll make you happy, ill make you beautiful, you know you want to'
'no! you've got so much to look forward to come with meeee'


it's a fight between the bit of me that wants so badly to get better for good and the evil thing in my head giving me promises of 'thin' and 'happy' and 'beautiful' It feels as though as soon as I have a few good days with recovery, the thing in my head freaks out and gets a good grip of me.


I want to recover, I want to live free of this hunger, pain, weakness and lonliness, I really do, but it feels as though my head just wont let me. It has such a strong grip over me, piercing me with horrible taunts and jibes every time I eat, every mouthful is like I've committed a sin, and I'm a sucker for giving in to it, I've been bullied all my life so you'd think I'd be used to the cruel taunts,but no, I'm sensitive, I'm weak - and Anorexia knows that, it uses it to its advantage - it's worked for 6 years so why shouldn't it now?


I'm trying so hard, don't get me wrong, it's just bloody tiring this every day battle I go through, and I'm not the only one who suffers because of my head - I'm scared that I'm pushing my friends away, I'm scared they're going to get sick of me and leave - everyone else has, and I know I'm probably being paranoid as always, but, it's something I really do worry about. I can't do this on my own.


I have the most amazing friends any girl could ask for, for instance, Jo, Morven,Libby & Rachael TS, they give me purpose every day to keep going, whether it be hitting/flicking me when I'm giving in to my head, or simply wanting to spend time with me, being there for me when they can tell I'm struggling, or take the amazing friends I've made on twitter, Emma,Hannah,Jo,Sarah,Laura, & everyone ese - it means so much to me, they mean so much to me, but I feel like I dont deserve such amazing people, I'm scared I'll lose them because of all this,  so if any of you are reading this please know that I love you so much and I honestly wouldn't be here without you.
xxx

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

I'm not giving up..

Apologies for yesterdays horrible rant!

As you can probably tell from that I've been having a tough week, but I'm determined to fight through it as always. I've put SO much work in over the last 6 years, and yeah I'm not better yet, but if I give up now I'll be throwing away everyone's (and my) hard work - what's the point in that? It can only get better right? And something Jo said to me yesterday made so much sense, I'm very underweight so my brain can't be functioning properly - hence why my thoughts are so messed up at the moment, my body is struggling, and so is my mind. But theres one thing I can do to change all that right?

I have so much to look forward to, so much to work towards - minding me, college(fingers crossed), I just want to get rid of it all, I want to get better SO SO much, it's bloody hard, but I can do it right? I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends (especially Jo) to keep me on the right track and flick me when im being silly!

Motivation? TICK. Friends & family. TICK. a future? TICK.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

just a big rambling post

I'm sorry if anyone actually reads this, because it's just a big long rant about myself, i just need to get it out somehow.

I have been really trying to get better y'know, really putting my all into it, until now I seem to have hit a brick wall. I cant look at myself, I just disgust myself, all i can see is rolls and rolls of fat, disgusting saggy fatness. My mind seems to have completely taken over, A seems to have mustered up all this strength and power, and I cant fight it. It's SO incredibly loud and overpowering, its like someone has drained all the fight out of me and ive just flopped. I had a total breakdown the other night, sobbing and screaming in the mirror trying to pull and tug at all my fat, I hate it, I hate me, i hate my body, i hate everything. I seem to have just ballooned and I dont like it one bit, I cant do this, I tried, but i cant, im just too fat and revolting, maybe i dont deserve to get better, I went out with friends the other night and i ate a whole pizza, I went home and cried for what seemed like hours. I have all this stuff in my head and i cant fight it, I cant get better with all this being so overpowering. I'm sorry, im nothing but a failure, a fat, disgusting worthless failure of a person. I feel so beaten and weak right now, all these thoughts and voices running through my head its like a whirwhind and im just sitting there like wow what the hell is happening. so yeah, once again, i fail, im fat and horrible and i literally just want to curl up in a ball and cry forever untill I can no longer breathe. I have a tendancy to bottle things up and then it all just bubbles over and im swamped by it all, i hate how strong the illness has got, i just dont know what to do anymore...

Thursday, 23 February 2012

my mind is hurting me, a lot.

I'm going to be brutally honest here, these last few weeks I have been well and truely kicking my eating disorder in the face, like I'm surprised at how well I've been doing.... I've been challenging myself everyday really pushing myself out of my comfort zone & im following a weight gain meal plan!  thats physically, but in my head its another story...

I'm finding it hard to put into words whats going on in my head without sounding triggering or anything, but like, it feels as though the more I fight it the louder the voice inside my head gets, every mouthful I take it's like 'you fucking fat disgusting bitch, this is going to make you fat, nobody likes fat people' and it's harder than you'd think to just simply ignore it, I mean don't get me wrong I aint giving up, but honestly im struggling so much to cope with the thoughts that are going through my head. i cant look in the mirror, I literally burst out crying, like sobbing intensly last night because I hated what I saw so much, and I know weight gain is what i NEED to get better, and ive accepted that, i just think i need to avoid full length mirrors!!

I want to get better, I WANT to eat these things, I want to live a life without this pain - I'm trying harder than i ever have before, and I am proud of myself - like today i ate a chocolate brownie in starbucks & guess what? I freaking loved it. yes, you read right, I FREAKING LOVED THAT DARN CHOCOLATE BROWNIE. So regardless of how strong the thoughts in my head me be, I certainly won't be giving up anytime soon. Go on, make me feel disgusting, greedy, fat, dirty, but it aint gona stop me!!

I'm finally on the right track, and i have some incredible friends and family around me who I know will support me and hold my hand through this. Recovery IS possible, and I'm determined to prove it.

xxx

Sunday, 19 February 2012

laughter, shopping, catching up & gossiping - an amazing weekend

I have had such a fantastic weekend, and thought I'd update you all on my latest shananigans!

I went up to see one of my close friends in Aberdeen who's in Robert Gordon University up there, for the weekend. I got the bus up - 3 hour journey actually wasnt that bad! It was so good to see her it's been so long! And quite ironcally actually she's studying nutrition and dietetics - which is quite funny considering me & my y'know, issues. But yeah so I stayed with her for the weekend, she's living in the uni halls with 7 other girls, and honestly it was so much fun, they're all so lovely & friendly! Some of the things they get up to just make me wana go to uni even more, they have so much fun! It was snowing on the saturday night, and a few of the guys from the flat opposite went outside and had a snowball fight - with their tops off! One of the girls, Jess, came home at 4 this morning after being out clubbing - she was absolutely paraletic & kept telling us she loved us all and that she had pulled 3 guys in the one night!

We done LOTS of shopping, and I mean LOTS, I dont think ive ever felt as tired as I did when we got home on saturday! It was also so good to be around lots of girls who dont give a shit about their weight and dont talk about that sort of stuff, they're just normal, happy girls - thats what i wana be like! We sat on saturday night and watched every episode of the inbetweeners, didnt get to bed till the back of 1 because we were sitting chatting and giggling all night!

I cannot wait to go to university - thats definitely one of my goals to get better for!
anyways, hope you lovelys are all doing good,

much love
xxxxxx

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

dear eating disorder...

For the last 6 years you have had all the control, you have been in the driving seat of MY life, for so long I have followed YOUR rules and obeyed your commands. You've put me in hospital time after time, you've turned me into nothing but a shell of the girl I once was, you stripped me of my dignity and self respect, and to put it bluntly you would have killed me had I not plucked up the courage to fight against you.

I can hear you squriming away in  my head, getting agitated and frustarted, because you know I'm really serious this time. Shouting at me, kicking me down, making me paranoid and scared, thats what you're doing now, you are desperately trying to grab me back into your clutches.. but guess what? You can throw ANYTHING at me, ANYTHING, and I won't give in. You and me? no more.
I'm fighting back against you, really well and truely tearing you to shreds, and I will continue until you are nothing but a memory and I am free from your evil controlling ways. You can say anything you want, try all the tactics you used in the past, but deep down you're squirming because you know that this is it.

I mean business bitch, and I'll happily watch you squirm!

So I'll say goodbye to all the pain, to the suffering, the lonliness, the fear, and I'll say hello to the journey of recovery. It's scary and it's hard but I'm absolutely done with you. I'm looking to the future now, and it's exciting.

your former slave, Rachael xxx