Remember me? A weak, tired little soul with no hope and no motivation, desperately trying to fight my way out of the darkness..
I haven't posted on here in a while as things have been crazy, a total rollercoaster to say the least! But for once I am not the barer of a depressing helpless post begging for support and motivation, woohoo! I come in peaaaceeee :) sorry I'm mad I know! So little update in my crazy wee world...
I have finally after years of hiding who I am and pretending to be someone I'm not, came out as bisexual, it took a HECK of a lot of guts but honestly I feel so much more free now I can be myself without worrying about hiding who I really am. I decided it was time because well I've met someone and I am well and truely in love! It is honestly the most amazing feeling the world, and guess what? She loves for ME, all my flaws and imperfections, she doesnt see me as an illness or treat me any different, she loves me for the person I am inside, and that feels so good knowing that well maybe I amn't totally unlovable?
I have started to slowly gain weight and I amn't going to sit here and say im enjoying it or that its a great barrel of laughs and joy, but one thing is I AM starting to feel the benefits of weight gain - and I am enjoying those! I feel as though Im finally getting my spark back, I have so much more energy, I have a spring in my step, my heart is back to healthy and so is my blood pressure and heart, my periods are back regularly (TMI I KNOW), I have so much to look forward to and am actually starting to (wait for it........) ENJOY life! Yes me, you read that right, am starting to enjoy life!
I amn't fully better yet, thats a long way off, and I amn't saying things are perfect, but what I am saying is that it DOES get better. Trust me. I was in the darkest place I could ever have imagined a few months back and never thought I would get out, and I know if you are struggling yourself you will be reading and thinking "that will never be me" but it WILL, I promise, I used to think the exact same.
Everyone who knows me well, and people who follows me on this blog will have seen how unwell I have been in the past, so desperate and unhappy, but they never gave up on me ever. None of you guys did. You held onto that hope for me when I couldnt hold it myself, even when I had given up on myself, none of you guys did, you cheered me on and pushed me along no matter how unwilling I was.
As I said I still have a long long way to go, and I am beginning therapy at the end of this month, but for the first time in about 7 years, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am actually getting glimmers of hope and happiness - about bloody time too! And so I wanted to say thank you, to my followers, my family and friends, and beautiful people from work and who I've met throughout my journey, thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for unconditional love and support, it means more than you can imagine. I know that this therapy is going to be the thoughest thing ive had to do, because it brings up everything Ive so desperately tried to supress because it was too painful to dealwith, but I am ready now, Im ready to finally get my life back, it's not gonna be easy I know that but I am closer to recovery than I have ever been and I amn't giving up now. I cannot yet see the finish line, but I trust and believe that it is there, and I know you will all continue cheering me along until I reach it.
So, to anyone who is hopeless, struggling, desperate - I am here, I care, and it gets better, it really does. So don't give up just yet, hold on just that little bit longer, because life really can be amazing, and God can do wonderful things...