remembering my best friend, one year on.

Dear Ki,

I remember your smile, the way you would walk into a room and light the whole place up, the way when you smiled your eyes twinkled like stars. Because of your illness I didn't see you smile all that much, but when you did I felt a warmth in my heart. I remember the way you used to hug me and not let go for ages, you gave the best hugs, you used to whisper in my ear "never ever give up" and even to this day I still hear you say it. I remember that infectious giggle you had, when you started laughing you couldn't stop and it used to make me laugh so then the both of us would be sitting there laughing at nothing looking like a right pair! We were a right pair though you & me, remember that time we sat in the asda car park in your car blasting the spice girls drinking diet coke late at night? people walking past must of thought we were crazy, well we were really weren't we? You used to say I was the little sister you never had, and that you'd do anything to protect me, that all you wanted was for me to get better, you always told me that no matter how bad things are, it will get better. Remember we made that promise, that we'd do it together, we were going to get better together, the two of us, nothing was gona stop us (que rocky theme tune) I thought it was for real y'know, I felt safe, happy, with you by my side, even my mum loved you like one of her own... but then you left us. I remember the exact time, exact date, exact spot I was standing when my mum broke the news, I told her I hated her because she was lying, I screamed and cried and cried some more, it was real, I felt as though someone had stabbed me right in the heart, then I went numb. For weeks I felt numb, like I was just floating in a bubble, wasn't really living, because without you what life was there? You were basically my big sister, my best friend, the one who made everything feel better, and you were gone. Remember that time we 'tried' to bake a cake and you nearly blew up my house? I would do anything to have that moment again, anything, even just a hug, to have one more cuddle from you, to hear you tell me that everything will be okay, to see your great big smile, just one more time. Even though you're up in heaven now (hopefully big G is looking after you) I still see glimpses of you, a purple butterfly - thats you flying by to say hello, that great big star that follows me home every night - thats you protecting me, like you did when you were here, I speak to you a lot, do you hear me? I hope so, because sometimes I can almost hear you talking back to me. I hope you know how much I love you, and that I think about you every single day, I'm sorry I got sick again, I'm sorry I've not made you proud - but I am going to, I promise, I'm going to make you proud, do the things you wanted to do but couldn't, and I'll never ever forget you - you hold a special place in my heart that can never be touched, never. You were an angel on earth, and now you're my special angel up in heaven, I can't believe its been a whole year, hope you liked the flowers I left you. They're purple, of course, your favourite colour. I love you Kianna, I truely hope you are at peace now. Love always, your little sis,  xxx