My life. That's how it feels right now, just a big black hole. As each day passes my mood seems to be dipping even further and everything hurts a little more. I've lost my fighting spirit to say the least, but I didn't want to tell anyone because I dont want everyone to be dissapointed in me, see I am trying, but I cant hold it in anymore. I am a mess. I can feel myself slipping further and further into depression land and I honestly dont know what to do. My "treatment team" seriously dont seem to give two flying shits. My doctor says I'm fine, even though I expressed my suicidal feelings to her quite strongly, and she said shes happy with my weight as it is (even though it is "seriously underweight"). Yeah because I am fucking fat.
I really want to join a gym, they said I'm fine physically so why shouldn't I? I hate my body so much I am REPULSED by it so maybe a little exercise may make me feel a bit better. Or it could go the other way, and with the way I am feeling right now I suspect the latter is most likely. But I am fat. I hate myself. And I seriously do not know how much more of this I can take. I just want it all to end.
It's okay to have times like this. I feel the exact same right now. Suicide isn't the answer however, because you will come out of this, no matter how much you disbelieve that right now. As for the gym - I think you should! I've decided that being "thin" isn't practical - but if you tone up, you can be slim, but healthy at the same time! And you aren't fat either. Build up some muscle, and yes, your weight will increase, because muscle weighs more than fat, but honestly I think you may feel more confident in your body. It's worth a try? Please keep fighting, okay? <3
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling so low, my email is andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I can help but I'm here to listen and I can identify with a lot of what you wrote, depression etc. Please don't lose hope, you can get through this tough time,
hang in there, much love to you xxx
replace fat with miserable, you are not fat, I could never consider you fat, and you know your BMI is technially very underweight, but it feels too much, because everything is too much, not becuase you are too much, you're not. I really would love for you to be happy, I know it isn't as simple as that, I just hope you find some strength to keep on going. I'm coming up to Edinburgh next wednesday, I'm seeing Jo in the morning, if you want a rant just let me know, my train back isn't until 6:30. Please hold in there, I know how it feels to want to die, going through it every day too at the moment, just hold on in there, we love you, we accept you how you are but hope you can get well for yourself too xxxxx
ReplyDeletep.s be careful with the gym thing, very easy to slip right back and further from where you've climbed up xxx
ReplyDeleteI can't know exactly what it's like to go through this but I realize how much of a physical and emotional rollercoaster this time is for you. I agree with Katherine, it might hurt a lot right now but it's okay to feel the way you do.
ReplyDeleteSomeone very close to me attempted suicide yesterday. The hospital is giving us no updates other than she's still in Emergency. This was her fourth try, and I know what I'm feeling right now is what those who love you will be feeling if you tried to end it.
I support a lot of my on-line friends with things they're going through. It keeps me extremely busy, but I make sure to keep an eye out for your posts. I always look forward to seeing something from you, because as bad as things might be a new post means you've decided to fight another day. I CHOOSE to be here to listen to you every time, regardless of what you want to say. Because despite the fact that I don't know a lot about your life, I care a great deal. I believe in you Rachael, this world is better for having you in it.
So think of me and your readers as your own private cheering section. Hell, I'd put on a skirt and pom-poms if I thought it would help! :)
Amaris, you sound like a wonderful friend. <3
ReplyDeleteKeep reminding yourself of all the reasons you're trying to get better for <3 I send you lots of hugs xxxxx We're all rooting for you. NINJA POW.
ReplyDeleteIt is horrible watching the weight come back on, but it has to happen for you to be well again. Your mind won't be able to recover until your body has. Please don't let yourself slip back down that hole, keep fighting Ana. You can do it! It sounds like you have loads of people here who believe in you. Be kind to yourself, do anything (non-harmful) that will take your mind off it. It will pass. Recovery is worth all the pain. Sarahx
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ReplyDelete!!! I Sarah Post This Testimony Coz My Husband Is Back Thanks To Dr. oyinbo
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