Monday, 26 March 2012

thruthfully? I'm a mess..

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm hurting SO much inside, everything hurts, I just wish it would all stop. Im tired of always feeling so shit, I'm tired of this tiredness, every day is such a drag, I don't want to leave my bed, I dont wana leave the house, I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and never move. I look horrible right now, disgusting, so fat and frumpy. I've cried myself to sleep pretty much every night for the past few weeks, I cant stop crying, I don't know what to do.

I try to talk, but who really wants to listen? none of it really makes sense. My friends are amazing, but I'm scared they're starting to hate me because im so depressing and such a mess right now, I'm no fun whatsoever, I wouldn't really blame them if they walked away. All I do right now is cry, sleep, moan, cry some more, hurt, and sleep some more. Oh yeah and work. Everyone keeps saying I'm wasting away and that I'm ill, but no, thats not the case, every morning I wake up and I look bigger, I hate myself, I look and feel huge. I sat and cried yesterday morning because all my clothes made me look sounds SO stupid right?  But it's true, i feel revolting in everything.

I know this is such a depressing post and im sorry, I'd be surprised if anyone actually read it, and most of it is just ramblings, but yeah its only a slice of whats going on. I'm sorry I'm such a mess, I just had to get it out. I'm sorry I have literally failed EVERYONE.


  1. We'll listen. I love you beautiful. Don't give up ♥

  2. Hope sweetheart, so many people do care about you and are listening! We all love you and want to see you get better, which you will. You're in my prayers. Please let us know how you're going. God Bless. Angie xxx

  3. Good friends are those who say "You'll get through this". Great friends are those who say "We'll get through this together".

    People who care won't hate you because you're scared, or hurting, or a mess. I only came across your blog recently and I've read every post since. And why? Because despite how depressing you feel your words are there's also an incredible honesty in them.

    I want you to know that you're worth people's time. You and I may never exchange words, but I'll keep coming back to leave my encouragement. You haven't failed anyone Hope, you've been open with how you feel and haven't given up on yourself. That takes courage.

  4. Hope, honey, your brain is lying to you. I know you know that - but it's so hard to believe, because it seems so real. No one known how to lie to you like yourself: everything sounds so real when it comes from inside yourself...but to the extent that you can engage the logical side of your brain, you know it's not true.

    I know that logical side can be a pretty pathetic defense against this kind of overwhelming emotional onslaught. I know sometimes it's hard to even hear it when all you can think about is how bad you feel...but it is there. You can know what a healthy weight is; there's hard information about that. You can know you're not huge, because you have objective witnesses all around you, people whose brains are not lying to them, and they testify to the fact. You can know you have not failed everyone, because you are still here, and still trying, and that doesn't fit any definition of failure I can think of. You are strong, and you are going to get through this. I know it's not easy to listen to all that when you feel so bad, but it is no less true just because your illness doesn't let you feel it. You can do this.