Tuesday, 14 August 2012

It gets better.

Remember me? A weak, tired little soul with no hope and no motivation, desperately trying to fight my way out of the darkness..

I haven't posted on  here in a while as things have been crazy, a total rollercoaster to say the least! But for once I am not the barer of a depressing helpless post begging for support and motivation, woohoo! I come in peaaaceeee :) sorry I'm mad I know! So little update in my crazy wee world...

I have finally after years of hiding who I am and pretending to be someone I'm not, came out as bisexual, it took a HECK of a lot of guts but honestly I feel so much more free now I can be myself without worrying about hiding who I really am. I decided it was time because well I've met someone and I am well and truely in love! It is honestly the most amazing feeling the world, and guess what? She loves for ME, all my flaws and imperfections, she doesnt see me as an illness or treat me any different, she loves me for the person I am inside, and that feels so good knowing that well maybe I amn't totally unlovable?

I have started to slowly gain weight and I amn't going to sit here and say im enjoying it or that its a great barrel of laughs and joy, but one thing is I AM starting to feel the benefits of weight gain - and I am enjoying those! I feel as though Im finally getting my spark back, I have so much more energy, I have a spring in my step, my heart is back to healthy and so is my blood pressure and heart, my periods are back regularly (TMI I KNOW), I have so much to look forward to and am actually starting to (wait for it........) ENJOY life! Yes me, you read that right, am starting to enjoy life!

I amn't fully better yet, thats a long way off, and I amn't saying things are perfect, but what I am saying is that it DOES get better. Trust me. I was in the darkest place I could ever have imagined a few months back and never thought I would get out, and I know if you are struggling yourself you will be reading and thinking "that will never be me" but it WILL, I promise, I used to think the exact same.

 Everyone who knows me well, and people who follows me on this blog will have seen how unwell I have been in the past, so desperate and unhappy, but they never gave up on me ever. None of you guys did. You held onto that hope for me when I couldnt hold it myself, even when I had given up on myself, none of you guys did, you cheered me on and pushed me along no matter how unwilling I was.

As I said I still have a long long way to go, and I am beginning therapy at the end of this month, but for the first time in about 7 years, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am actually getting glimmers of hope and happiness - about bloody time too! And so I wanted to say thank you, to my followers, my family and friends, and beautiful people from work and who I've met throughout my journey, thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for unconditional love and support, it means more than you can imagine. I know that this therapy is going to be the thoughest thing ive had to do, because it brings up everything Ive so desperately tried to supress because it was too painful to dealwith, but I am ready now, Im ready to finally get my life back, it's not gonna be easy I know that but I am closer to recovery than I have ever been and I amn't giving up now. I cannot yet see the finish line, but I trust and believe that it is there, and I know you will all continue cheering me along until I reach it.

So, to anyone who is hopeless, struggling, desperate - I am here, I care, and it gets better, it really does. So don't give up just yet, hold on just that little bit longer, because life really can be amazing, and God can do wonderful things...

much love

Sunday, 8 July 2012

It's dark and cold, and I'm alone

I am trying to tackle my food demons head on. I'm slowly gaining weight and my physical health is improving, but everything else is getting worse.
 It's like a seesaw, as soon as I try to tackle one thing all the other issues and problems that the anorexia hid are becoming more and more unbearable to deal with.
My mind is a very dark and horrible place right now.
I dont want to tell my friends about it because I feel like they're becoming fed up with me, being the ill one, the one they have to deal with, it's not fair on them so I'm plonking on my big smile every day, but as things get worse it's getting harder to do.
I cant pretend anymore. I'm sorry.
I am struggling so much.
I wish I was stronger. I really do.
I am scared of myself, scared of how strong and intrusive these thoughts are.
I don't know how to cope, I feel like I'm sinking, deeper and deeper..

Thursday, 28 June 2012

up, up, and away

I dont really know how to start this off, because there's just so so much going through my head right now and its all jumbled and rather mixed up, so my apologies if this doesn't make much sense but I need to get it all out of my head.

I literally feel as though I have been punched in the face, my weight went up again today and I feel absolutely awful (which isn't unusual for me) and I know it's the only way I can get better but still it feels horrible. I burst into tears when I stepped on those darn scales, it frustrates me how that number has SO much control over me, and after being weighed today I done something really stupid. I am annoyed at myself for it. But seeing that number go up AGAIN, just made me want to scratch my eyeballs out, so I may have like not eaten all day (I got weighed in the morning). Please dont hate me, I know now it wasnt the right thing to do - and I forced myself to have a bigger dinner, and I told my mum what happened and explained to her I may need a bit more support the next few days, because for me seeing my weight go up is like 'erm excuse me make it go down' but ahbbhwfi  WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THAT?! I feel like I've failed, everyone, everything, Im sorry. But it's not going to happen again. Tomorrow is a new day, right?

The horrible thing is, now that I am trying to eat more and sort out the eating disorder side of things, everything else is getting worse. For so long I didn't really have to feel/think about anything because I was on such a high from starvation and was so focused on staying ill, it took over everything, but now I am feeling things again, horrible horrible thoughts and emotions, horrible vivid flashbacks of things I desperately dont want to remember, and I dont know what to do with them. I am scared,  my head is horrible right now, I dont know how to cope with everything. I feel so engulfed by it all.

Also, my appetite has really started to come back now and I am absolute petrified I'm going to lose control and not be able to stop eating. I AM SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and it's scary, I'm scared I'm already eating too much, I'm scared my weight will just keep going up and up and up and I will end up like one of those obese people on tv :'( I never feel full now, and I'm like aaahhhhh Ive already eaten so much why am I STILL hungry?!! owuqiyyf :(

Blehh, I feel like a big fat disgusting pig. I cannot stand the sight of myself and my body, I just want to hide away forever so nobody has to see me :(

Sunday, 17 June 2012

My body is changing and I dont like it..

I dont know if it is just my eyes and head, or if everyone else sees this, but my body is really starting to change. For the first time in months I cant feel my hip&rib bones as much, and as sad as it may sound that scares the living shit out of me because for me being able to feel my bones protrude so far out gave me some sort of sick satisfaction and I liked it. But I was having a shower last night and I burst into tears because I looked down at my body and what I saw was so different and big compared to what used to be there. It repulsed me. So there I was sitting crying in the shower because my bones dont show as much, how fucking sad is that. I felt annoyed at myself for being so upset about it because I actually do want to get better, but I feel so uncomfortable in my body and I'm so ashamed of it right now. I wouldn't even let the doctor feel my tummy the other day because I cant bare the thought of anyone seeing it. It feels as though the more I'm fighting against ana the louder she is getting. Every single day I have to fight with all my will to resist her, I hate how every single day every moment is focused around food and my weight. I just want to have fun and not think about it all the time. I just feel so unhappy inside and outside, why isnt this getting any easier? :(

Friday, 8 June 2012

A big black hole

My life. That's how it feels right now, just a big black hole. As each day passes my mood seems to be dipping even further and everything hurts a little more. I've lost my fighting spirit to say the least, but I didn't want to tell anyone because I dont want everyone to be dissapointed in me, see I am trying, but I cant hold it in anymore. I am a mess. I can feel myself slipping further and further into depression land and I honestly dont know what to do.  My "treatment team" seriously dont seem to give two flying shits. My doctor says I'm fine, even though I expressed my suicidal feelings to her quite strongly, and she said shes happy with my weight as it is (even though it is "seriously underweight"). Yeah because I am fucking fat.

 I really want to join a gym, they said I'm fine physically so why shouldn't I? I hate my body so much I am REPULSED by it so maybe a little exercise may make me feel a bit better. Or it could go the other way, and with the way I am feeling right now I suspect the latter is most likely. But I am fat. I hate myself. And I seriously do not know how much more of this I can take. I just want it all to end.

Friday, 1 June 2012

I knew it would hurt, but not this much..

It's been over a month now that I've been following my weight gain meal plan and so obviously my weight was going to go up. It's common sense really. So I had prepared myself for my weigh in yesterday.. at least I thought I had. I told myself it was going to go up and that it had to go up at some point anyway, so I went in thinking right this isn't going to be very nice but I'll be okay. I wasn't okay. Far from it in fact.

The doctor opens the door to the treatment room and with a click it closes behind us. I can feel my heart racing, pounding in my chest, BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM, everything is spinning around me so fast, I feel sick, I dont want to step on the scales, I dont want to see, I dont want to know.
I step on the scales, the number flashes up, I step off again. On, off, just like that. It's done, it's over, the number went up as expected. I didn't expect to feel quite so awful though, I thought that because I want to get better now it would be okay. It really wasn't. I feel a tear stream down my cheek, and another, and another, "well done, I'm very proud" the doctor says, trying to make me feel better, I tell her what's going through my head. It went up by too much, I'm  fat now, I'm fat and I hate it, its too much, the number is too high, I knew it would go up, but I wish I didn't have to see. I wipe away the tears as she takes my blood pressure and tells me that it's still very low, usually that would be give me a sort of comfort, but I just feel sad. She tells me I'm still very underweight and that I need to keep going, the first weight gain is mainly water and help to fix my organs, so I need to take a deep breath. I feel dissapointed in a way, disappointed that actually I amn't okay, that the voice in my head has suddenly turned up a notch, I feel sad, I'm self concious and scared that I look fat now.

 I feel so unhappy in myself and I hate my body right now, it's as I've walked straight into a brick wall. I go home, I dont eat much, Im not hungry, still swallowing the weight gain, trying to tell myself that it's okay, that its good, but A isnt happy, it's screaming and screaming, and so I go out with my friend for the day, I eat, but in my heart I know its not enough. A tells me I'm doing good and that I need to stop the weight gain, I listen for a while, sulking in my sadness and hatered of the situation. I pretend I'm okay, that I'm happy and I dont care, but I do.

Suddenly I realise what I'm doing, what I always used to do if I gained weight - listen to A and do what it tells me, slip back into its clutches. I'm restricting to make up for the weight gain. It's such an easy trap to fall into. But I've noticed, and I fight back, I eat some chocolate and pick myself back up. I'm determined and I will not give in, this is what I need to do to get better, restricting again isn't going to make it easier or make it go away, it's going to make it worse.

 I'm still feeling really rubbish and low and just not very good about the whole thing, but I know deep down that I'm doing the right thing. I just wish it wasn't so hard....

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

I cant escape.

I thought eating was meant to be making me feel better? not worse...
My mind is filled, bursting, with destructive thoughts. I need to get out, I need to escape. I may seem like I'm okay because I am starting to eat again, but I feel worse inside than I ever have before and I honestly dont know what to do. I am hurting so much all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear..