Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Trying to be strong

People say to me that this gets easier in time, but what I want to know is how long do I have to suffer before I start to get the benefits of recovery? Because right now it just seems to be getting harder and harder the more I fight against the beast inside me. She is screaming and shouting and kicking her feet, grabbing me tight as I try to wrigge free, trying everything in her power to drag me back into her pitt of hell, and I am using all the strength I can find to fight it, but I feel like complete and utter poop right now. I'm still not sleeping very well, my anxiety is through the roof - I feel like when I go out everyone is laughing at me, it feels like everything is closing in around me and they're pointing and laughing, even when strangers look at me I panick that they are thinking how fat and ugly I am, it scares me that other people think about me the same way I think about me. Also my mood has been really low and to be honest I cant even explain it I just feel so unhappy and I'm crying a lot more. I'm sick fed up of feeling this bad. I dont want to hurt anymore. I just want to be okay...


  1. I'm so sorry you are struggling right now, I know it might not feel like it but you are doing the right thing and you will see the benefits soon.

    I've never been properly in recovery but I'm thinking about giving it a shot. The way I think about it is I'll give recovery a shot for 6 months and if by then things haven't improved for me I can always go back to anorexia. My eating disorder will always be there but recovery might not be.

    I wish you all the best,

    Much lovexxx

  2. Keep hanging on Hope. You are so strong. You are so beautiful. You are so loved. And you are SO going to beat this. Love x x x

  3. This struggle is a sign of just how hard you're fighting. I wish it were easier on you my dear, I really do, but each day you don't give up is one step closer to recovery. Each day you fight can also make you stronger because over time it becomes a mindset, not giving in even when it feels like it's wearing you out. I'm not surprised that you're so emotional, I'm not an expert but I would say your body is in a sense going through withdrawal from a state in which it's so used to being in. It's adjusting to existing in a different and healthier way, which will take time.

    I wish there was something more I could do, all I can say is I'm here cheering you
    on like many other people who care about you. You'll always have my support.