Saturday, 5 May 2012

Yet the poison still fills my mind

This is harder than I'd ever imagined it could be. Now that I'm fully commiting myself to recovering I'm doing things I never thought I'd do. I've surrendered all the control around my meals and food, which is a massive thing for me because eating (or lack of it) was something I could always be in control of regardless of what was going on around me, and I liked that. I liked to have a sense of control because everything else in my life was totally out of my control and there was nothing I could do.
Trust is another thing, it's always been something I've struggled with, I guess after everything that happened its not surprising though. But now I'm having to trust the people who love me that they know what is best for me, they're not making me eat too much, they're not trying to make me fat, they just want me to be healthy and happy, and until I can do that for myself I'm trusting them to be in charge of my meal plan etc.
I'm not going to lie though and say its all rosy and great, because its not, this thing, this poison in my mind that is my eating disorder is like a raging fire just now. Screaming, taunting, constantly; they're just trying to make you fat ; you've gained too much weight already. Honestly I'm struggling to fight it off, it's loud and aggressive and I wish it would just let go, I wish it would take the hint ; I dont want you anymore, I want a life, recovery, happiness. But no, it feels as though its only getting louder and louder with each mouthful, every meal/snack I manage is one too many, it's like pushing a button  and setting off fireworks. I wish I had a button to turn it off though, I dont know what to do sometimes I feel so trapped, trapped in my own mind, but I will keep fighting with all I've got, because I know what I want and I can see it clearly - I want a life. I was only killing myself, anorexia was killing me, but it was all I was living for... why? Why should I live for something that is only going to kill me?
I'm finding this sooo tough I cant even put into words, but I will keep fighting on, I may need a hand - but that's okay right?


  1. Recovery isn't supposed to be easy. You've known ana for seven years and pushing her out of your life won't be quick. But after the struggles I'm sure you'll find it was worth it.

    It's always okay to need a hand. One of the greatest signs of strength is the willingness to reach out and ask for help and support. I've done that myself. :)

  2. Loads of hugs beautiful - I am so so proud of you for how hard you're fighting. Keep going x x