Saturday, 21 January 2012

picture of the day..

you only get one life..

I don't really know where this wave of positivity has come from, but I certainly aint complaining! Its nice to wake up and feel excited for the day, for the future, and for the challenges each day is going to bring. Because every day does bring challenges, I guess it's how you deal with them that determines how the rest of the day will turn out, I mean, you can spend your days feeling sorry for yourself and walloing in your illness, or you can wake up, set yourself challenges and embrace life, and thats what I'm trying to do. Im trying to be more positive in general, yeah things are tough, sometimes they're bloody awful, but positivity never hurt anyone did it? I think if i'm forever sulking around being grumpy and depressed it can have a negative effect on those around me, so yeah, I'm not saying everythings brilliant and im better, because thats not true, but I am going to start being more positive and enjoy life more, you only get one life, and god knows it can be taken from you so quickly. so my motto for the day? Push yourself, have fun, and embrace life!

love, Hope xxx

Friday, 20 January 2012

distorted image or truths?

everyone keeps disagreeing with me when I say how I feel about myself, and logically you would think that well its all these people vs my own thoughts so how could all my friends and family be lying? but me being me, the unlogical side of my brain continues to tell me that yes i AM fat, and yes i AM absolutely disgusting, yes i AM too ugly to be loved.. These ideas of myself have been drilled into me for years, and I firmly believe I am all of the above, but those who love me continue to tell me different and no matter how hard I try, its STILL what I see when I look in the mirror.. am i really seeing someone else to what everyone else sees, or are they trying to just make me feel better?

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

fighting for my future...

Hello there, me again..

So, as I said before I am trying SO hard to fight, i really am, because right now the urges to restrict and over excersise are everywhere, all around me, there is soo much temptation - especially this time of year, and I guess in my mind im struggling to keep doing the opposite of what the thing in my head is telling me to do.

I feel like im starting to gain weight and yeah I know thats what i need to do, its not what i WANT though, but i do want to get better, its so conflicting, because i know in my heart that when my body is more healthy my mind will catch up(hopefully) and my thinking will straighten itself out. its just sometimes SOO hard because my thoughts are still so 'anorexic' and yet i'm forcing myself (literally) to do the one thing im bloody petrified of in the hope that my thinking will change when i get to a healthy weight and maintain that, but im scared - what if i do all this and my thinking doesnt change, and i have to cope with these horrific thoughts all my life? i cant even bare to imagine having to live with this forever... what sort of life is that?

I've been told many times that I may not be able to naturally have children when im older because of the damage this illness has done to me, and that my bones are too weak and might not repair themselvs, have i already signed myself up to a life of this living hell? and obviously the odds can be beaten,  but what if I'm left with the conseqences of this all my life? It's making me think a lot, because im 18 this year, my body will stop growing, time is running out and im scared, what if im too late? whats if its too late to repair the damage? I'm determined to prove them all wrong, and stay on the right path, because now my future is in my hands... and i do want one. theres so much i want to do with my life, so regardless of how fucking hard and horrible it may feel right now, I know the only option is to soldier on, and soldider on I shall do!

love & hugs
Hope xxx

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

just thought i'd like to spread some positivity and inspiration on here...

a few little quotes..

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.  -Maya Angelou

Hope is that little voice you hear shouting 'maybe' when the rest of the world is shouting 'NO'

Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.

im in a bit of a 'spreading happiness, the world is beautiful' mood right now, so apologies if these qoutes  dont mean anything to anyone, but I just want to say, no matter how hard things may seem, no matter how dark life may feel, there is always hope, there is always a reason to keep going, find that inner strength and use it, because we all have it, its just a matter of reaching for it. NEVER GIVE UP!
Love Hope xxx

just a few things that make me happy...


my best friends :)

God :)

love Cher Lloyd hehe

make up :)


hello, me again...

well hello there big wide world.

its been a few days since i posted so i thought its about time to rant again, well it wont be as much of a rant this time because im a bit more positive than the other day...
Not much has been happening to be honest, been out with a couple of friends which is always nice :) and got myself a wee manicure today so that cheered me up! I dont ever want to take the nail polish off its so pretttyy. I would have bought it but it was £11 and I might sound tight but SERIOUSLY?! WHO EVEN PAYS THAT FOR NAIL POLISH? so yeahh i opted out of that one, for obvious reasons.

Eating wise, its hard, its really hard in fact but I'm pushing myself further than I ever thought possible, like I'm eating an amount that I would class as 'bad' well not me but the eating disorder, and yeah it freaks me out a little but I know in my heart it's what i have to do if im to get better for real. And I'm starting to realise, maybe food isn't so bad after all, oh especially chocolate, I've developed an undying love for chocolate, wow never thought i'd see myself say that, but i did so HA IM WINNING BITCH. thats right, I am fighting the evil in my head, im fighting with all my heart and soul, and I aint giving up until I've won this fight for good. Some days are harder than others but i guess I've learnt to take it one day at a time, and im trying to enjoy food now when do i eat, where as before it's always been something I've feared, something that was like a chore...but boy what have i been missing? caaakeee! I do get horrible thoughts after eating but i guess that comes hand in hand with recovery huh? i never thought it was gona be easy, and it bloody well aint, but I'm actually doing it.

And major achievement on my part here, I've put my 'devil' jeans (size double zero) in a bag for my best friend to destroy, and went and bought some normal sized jeans, go mee! they may be a tad on the big side but it's my goal to actually fit them as soon as possible! Thats one thing I wont miss about being so underweight, the whole going shopping but not being able to find clothes to fit! It will be nice to be able to go into shops like miss selfridge, or river island and be able to fit the clothes!

So when things are tough, or im doubting whether i want to recover, I have to remind myself of these things! but yeah thats pretty much it in the land of mee, so I guess I shall weesht for just now..

love & hugs,
This song says it all <3

Saturday, 14 January 2012

all i can say is, why?

I need to get this out...

Okay, I've had a shit few days, a really shit few days in fact, and I've realised I can't keep bottling everything up the way I do, because it eventually explodes and turns into a horrible mass of emotions and a depressve state like it has this week. So here I am, about to write a very depressing and most likey confusing/not making much sense blog, because what else can I do? I don't want people to worry about me, I just need to get this out.

I hate myself, that's pretty much the brunt of it all to be honest. I hate the way I look, I hate my body, with all it's fat and blobbyness, I hate the person I am in my head, I wish I wasn't so jealous and paranoid that everyone good I have in my life is going to leave me, because ive had so much of this happen in the past, I instantly expect those i love to walk out of my life the way they have in the past. So I end up(unintentionally) pushing them all out, especially my friends, because i have literally no self esteem what so ever, so when they have other friends I automatically assume they will leave me and forget about me because im nothing compared to any other friend they could have, i have no qualities, i dont even understand why people like me in the first place?  I hate how much i hate my job, but i feel like there is no escape - if i leave i have no money, no job, nothing to do, so then i end up being all depressed again, but if i stay i become even more unhappy - what the hell do i do? I amn't enjoying life anymore, its such a stress, such a fight to get through each day, and the thing is ive stopped talking to people about how i really feel..  i have so much going on in my head and i just keep it all in. I'm noticing more and more signs of a 'depressive episode' and thats what i get, my depression comes in bouts, i get really really strong bouts of it, and im trying with all my might to fight against it, because i know inside im a lot stronger, but as well im pushing with all my soul to beat this horrible anorexia, and the two of them go hand in hand, they seem to be teaming up against me, desperate to quash my attemps at a 'life' I dont want to give in to them, i really dont, but i feel like i have no one to turn to anymore and im losing my strength day by day. Im a LOT further on with beating my anorexia, I know im going to beat this, i want to, i want to be healthy and get well again, but at the same time the depressiveness is dragging all my energy, motivation and will power out of me. I am beating it, im eating so much better than before, bt i just feel so low, so unhappy, so hopeless, so unmotivated to do anything anymore.

so there you have, depressive little me. :(

love xxx

I wish I could save you.

Ever get that feeling where you just feel so hopeless for someone? See the thing is I dont want to feel hopeless for her, but nobody has helped her, nobody is helping her, and i'm scared. Im scared im going to lose another best friend, I can see how damaged you are, from the things you have been through, the trauma and pain that heartless creep has caused you, anorexia has you in its clutches, but its not that thats scaring me the most, its the amount of pain and distress you have inside that no one is doing anything about. I know you're getting help for the anorexia, which im so glad about, but theres so much more in that head of yours that they aren't acknowlegeding, and im petrified that if they dont, you wont be able to cope with it on the outside, im scared you're going to leave us. Its becoming more and more likely and I WANT to see you get well and make a life for yourself, we all do, we love you so much, we dont want to lose you, but you need special help for the trauma you have suffered, and no one seems to be willing to give you it... I wish I could, i wish i had a magic wand that could take it all away but I dont. I cant bare to lose you, I cant, but we're running out of options... and if you continue to o'd the way you have, your frail body won't be able to handle it... Someone has to save you, please, i love you so so much, I dont want you to die... Please God, help me save her. I have to do all I can to save you, I dont care what it takes, we have to do something. I love you xxxxxxx

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

I wish I could see what everyone else 'sees' ...

Discharged and free....

Oh my, its been about 2 weeks now since I was completely discharged from Camhs, and safe to say it really has been so hard. I dont like to tell people this though, because I dont want to worry anyone, I have been doing well considering, its more just the temptation to do things thats really in my face and sometimes its soo hard to resist, but so far i have resisted. I think now that I'm on my own I know i can get away with more, and that part of me that still wants to be ill is like OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING!! but in the end its up to me now, its up to me to fijutght it, and i am going to, i really am, some days are just harder than others, and thats why im writing in here today because im feeling really low and well i feel scared, im scared of whats going on in my head, im scared that i'll give in and let it eat me up, because thats always the easier option, but urgh i dont know, i must keep fighting, i really must....

Fat is not a feeling, fat is not a feeling, fat is NOT A FEELING.

I have to keep telling myself this, fat is not a feeling, although it is what I see when I look at myself in the mirror. i hate my body so much, i cant keep looking at it, poking at all my flab and wobbly bits, it makes me cry, so here i am standing in front of the mirror crying my eyes out once again, I know its no good having a full length mirror, but i cant bring myself to get rid of it, because i can make sure i dont get too fat. I just keep torturing myself over and over about how chubby im getting. It scares me though because i know my weight says one thing and the mirror says doesnt make sense, i dont like it one bit. I want to get better i really do, i just want my head to shut up and let me get on with it :(

love xxx

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

they say i have a distorted view, but all i can see is fat...

Why should we all conform to this 'one idea of beauty' idea? its insanity if you ask me, EVERYONE is beautiful. fuck you society, and fuck you some more.

little girl lost

hello there beautiful people,

I had a bad night last night, and now when i think of it i know how stupid it sounds,I basically struggle in friendships because i've been hurt so much in the past and find it hard to get close to people because whenever i have in the past they have always ended up leavng me, so this ends in me getting paranoid that my friends will either die, or find a better friend than me, and yeah i just got really upset because i always see myself as being second best to my beautiful best friends other good friends, this is no fault of my friend, its just me having such a dim view of myself and struggling to see why anyone would want to be friends with me. Now i fear I've pushed her away, i hate myself so much for it but I just amn't used to people actually liking me, and i love her to pieces, i would do anything for this girl, she makes my life worth living, makes this battle worth fighting, if you're reading this Jo im sorry, i love you so much and i always will.

I guess theres a lot going through my head right now, a lot of it not very nice things, and i have felt for a good while that my depression is trying to rear its ugly head again, its been since my other best friend died in april, i feel ive lost all sense of life, i feel so lonely and scared, i dont know who i am, i feel as though im simply just going through the motions, like im living simply to get through another day if that makes sense? I feel so sad all the time, and I have so much grief and pain in my heart for Kianna that i feel I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore, i put on a fake smile to please those around me, because i hate to cause people worry and stress, and i dont open up anymore because i get so upset and cant control myself. It's like im trying to ignore everything and i really shouldnt and now its all getting on top of me, im in a job that i hate, i have nothing to look forward to, i guess im begining to feel rather lost...

sorry for ranting,
love xxxx

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

No matter how loud you are in my head ana, I WILL NEVER GIVE IN TO YOU AGAIN.

why oh why do you continue to torture me?

Right now my head feels like a whirwind of thoughts,plans, ideas,evil, i do not know what to say or what to think, for this being within me is trying with all its might to grab me back into the hell i lived in for so long. starvation. I am trying I promise, Im trying so so hard to push myself through the pain and continue doing what i know i must do - eat, but with this loud ravaging thing in my head it is made 100x harder. I have been really really pushing myself lately because i DO want to recover, i really do, but at the same time the idea of weight gain scares the living hell out of me, but it is what i must  do if i truely want to beat this illness. so as i sit here munching on my second bowl of cereal this morning, i promise myself i will NOT give in to anorexia's demands, i WILL continue on my fight for recovery. There's a better life out there somewhere for me, I know it, I just first have to find it.

Monday, 2 January 2012

hullo there

Well today hasn't been great, simply because ive been working and im soo unhappy in my job. I haven't been happy there for months now and its just seemed to get worse over time, i always leave feeling so down and tired. I had to fight through a 9 hour shift today so i am absolutely shattered. My manager is horrible, so nasty to me, its boring,repetitive and tiring and I just dont enjoy it one bit. I have been looking for something else but as everyone knows its very tough at the moment. I just feel so trapped and its not helping with my mood issues. I guess I'll just have to fight through it until i find something else.
I have pretty much no self esteem so being rejected for job after job really doesn't help!
Im off tomorrow though which is a lovely thought, im going to a posh hotel in the afternoon for snack with my best friend so I know I have something to look forward to which always helps...
love Hope xxx

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Attack of the pro - ana's...

So i'm sitting here in my room alone, casually chilling on twitter, and BOOM... a lovely little bit of temptation jumps out at me, its a pro ana twitter group. I know i shouldn't look, i need to press the little 'x' in the corner, but something, that little thing in my head, pushes me to look... now usually I would but when i do these kinds of things it causes MAJOR freakouts, yeah even though im trying to recover its the little things like that that trigger me, so i sensibly log out, and come find a more positive way to express! Ever since I've been ill, that competetive, jealous side of the illness has been a massive distraction for me, Ive attemped recovery so many times in the past but always given in to the demands of temptation, whether it be pro ana websites or simply bumping into someone who looked thinner than me, i would freak out and boom it was bye bye recovery hello anorexia.... I am SO determined not to lose my momentum for recovery this time, this time its different, this time i have something to live for, i can look at those girls who are thinner than me and yeah feel a ping of jealousy and guilt but more so feel sorry for them, for they must be in so much pain, so tired, so worn out, so god damn hungry, and yeah it makes them thin but I know, I know they aren't truely happy, the illness is destorying them from the inside, and when i look at these people now, this is what i must remember. Remember the pain, the fear, the lonlieness, the hunger... it's NOT worth it..

We never saw the beauty, because we were too busy trying to create it..

hello little world, what do you have to offer?

I thought with this being the new year and all that jazz I may try something different, find somewhere I can let it all out, and I guess that's what's brought me here to this blog. And yes it is just going to be another one of those blogs about a girl trying to find a life for herself whilst battling through recovery from an eating disorder. I guess the big thing for me is the fact that I have been ill for so long, it's been such a big part of my life for as long as I remember, and now I'm finally turning around and making the decision to actually make something of my life. I see these older women walking the streets of this city and they look so ill, so tired and so beaten, beaten by this evil illness, and i think to myself 'this is not what i want to look like in 20 years time'
so here I am, just me, another broken childhood, another shattered life...