Friday, 1 June 2012

I knew it would hurt, but not this much..

It's been over a month now that I've been following my weight gain meal plan and so obviously my weight was going to go up. It's common sense really. So I had prepared myself for my weigh in yesterday.. at least I thought I had. I told myself it was going to go up and that it had to go up at some point anyway, so I went in thinking right this isn't going to be very nice but I'll be okay. I wasn't okay. Far from it in fact.

The doctor opens the door to the treatment room and with a click it closes behind us. I can feel my heart racing, pounding in my chest, BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM, everything is spinning around me so fast, I feel sick, I dont want to step on the scales, I dont want to see, I dont want to know.
I step on the scales, the number flashes up, I step off again. On, off, just like that. It's done, it's over, the number went up as expected. I didn't expect to feel quite so awful though, I thought that because I want to get better now it would be okay. It really wasn't. I feel a tear stream down my cheek, and another, and another, "well done, I'm very proud" the doctor says, trying to make me feel better, I tell her what's going through my head. It went up by too much, I'm  fat now, I'm fat and I hate it, its too much, the number is too high, I knew it would go up, but I wish I didn't have to see. I wipe away the tears as she takes my blood pressure and tells me that it's still very low, usually that would be give me a sort of comfort, but I just feel sad. She tells me I'm still very underweight and that I need to keep going, the first weight gain is mainly water and help to fix my organs, so I need to take a deep breath. I feel dissapointed in a way, disappointed that actually I amn't okay, that the voice in my head has suddenly turned up a notch, I feel sad, I'm self concious and scared that I look fat now.

 I feel so unhappy in myself and I hate my body right now, it's as I've walked straight into a brick wall. I go home, I dont eat much, Im not hungry, still swallowing the weight gain, trying to tell myself that it's okay, that its good, but A isnt happy, it's screaming and screaming, and so I go out with my friend for the day, I eat, but in my heart I know its not enough. A tells me I'm doing good and that I need to stop the weight gain, I listen for a while, sulking in my sadness and hatered of the situation. I pretend I'm okay, that I'm happy and I dont care, but I do.

Suddenly I realise what I'm doing, what I always used to do if I gained weight - listen to A and do what it tells me, slip back into its clutches. I'm restricting to make up for the weight gain. It's such an easy trap to fall into. But I've noticed, and I fight back, I eat some chocolate and pick myself back up. I'm determined and I will not give in, this is what I need to do to get better, restricting again isn't going to make it easier or make it go away, it's going to make it worse.

 I'm still feeling really rubbish and low and just not very good about the whole thing, but I know deep down that I'm doing the right thing. I just wish it wasn't so hard....

11 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry this is so hard for you and I can identify so much.
    I am weighed every week by my therapist and it never seems to get any easier.
    Those little number have so much power over me, my mood and my self esteem. Seeing them go up, even though I know it's for my own good, is still incredibly hard.
    But know that you are doing the right thing as am I. It is scary but staying in our eating disorder is scarier.
    You are not alone,

    I can give you my email address if you need anyone to talk to, just let me know,

    Much love xxx

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    1. hey honey, yeah that would be great if ya didnt mind? love & hugs xxx

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  2. hey hun!!!
    This is a wee bit random but I think you might like this girl's blog http://jennasjourneythroughlife.wordpress.com/ I just found it today, but she's someone who was previously hospitalised for an ED, but is now finding her life soooo much happier without it and she's really happy in herself - I thought maybe you would find it motivational or something xxxxx hugs

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  3. My eyes just welled up with tears, I'm just so encouraged by your strength Rachael. I know you don't feel that way sometimes. But strength doesn't come through not having thoughts of giving in to A, it comes from having those thoughts and fighting against them anyway. I hope you're getting lots of love and hugs (i'm sure you are) because I'd give you one now if I could.

    You know you're doing the right thing, please keep believing that.

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    1. Thank you very much, I really appreciate all your support x

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  4. I'm really glad to see you post, I've been thinking about you. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad but am really proud of you (and you should be proud of yourself too!) for fighting through and recognizing those nasty patterns that you are starting to break. I know it's painful and they sometimes pop up when you least expect them but you are far stronger than any of this, which you are finding out. I'll keep you in my prayers. Angie xxx

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    1. Thank you thank you thank you! xx

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  5. You'll be okay. This is just one of those challenges that pop up throughout the road to recovery. I know that you're stronger than your ED though, and that's how you'll get through this. I know you will, I have faith in you. Keep on going xxx

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  6. "I'm determined and I will not give in."

    Honey, you are amazing - and absolutely correct. This is not easy; it's a fight, and you're right, it's hard, and it hurts. But you are winning. You do not have to slip back this time, and every time you catch yourself and eat something you are showing that. I'm sorry about the anxiety attack at your weigh-in; I've had those, and they suck. But you made it through, and you're still working on getting better. You have so much to be proud of.

    -Christianna

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  7. Keep going beautiful girl. The fight will be worth it. SO proud of you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yHbb1HP78k

    x x x

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