Sunday, 17 June 2012
My body is changing and I dont like it..
I dont know if it is just my eyes and head, or if everyone else sees this, but my body is really starting to change. For the first time in months I cant feel my hip&rib bones as much, and as sad as it may sound that scares the living shit out of me because for me being able to feel my bones protrude so far out gave me some sort of sick satisfaction and I liked it. But I was having a shower last night and I burst into tears because I looked down at my body and what I saw was so different and big compared to what used to be there. It repulsed me. So there I was sitting crying in the shower because my bones dont show as much, how fucking sad is that. I felt annoyed at myself for being so upset about it because I actually do want to get better, but I feel so uncomfortable in my body and I'm so ashamed of it right now. I wouldn't even let the doctor feel my tummy the other day because I cant bare the thought of anyone seeing it. It feels as though the more I'm fighting against ana the louder she is getting. Every single day I have to fight with all my will to resist her, I hate how every single day every moment is focused around food and my weight. I just want to have fun and not think about it all the time. I just feel so unhappy inside and outside, why isnt this getting any easier? :(