simply wishing it would all just stop..

Even just for 15 minutes, I wish my head would stop, it's getting worse and worse, and I feel so out of control. It's spinning around so fast, these thoughts of self destruction and weight, they're loud and strong, and I can't handle it much longer. I'm losing the will to carry on.

The last time I had 'dangerous' thoughts like these was quite a while ago, but I was still in treatment then, and now they're back with a vengance and i'm like oh my god what do i do?! I'm trying to keep myself busy, but even my mum knows something's up, she heard me crying the other night, and walked in on me scratching and pulling profusely at my stomach trying to scrape off the fat, I was a state, she calmed me down, but it's happening more and more. It's scary.

I hate what I see in the mirror so much, hate doesn't even describe it, it's intense and painful, I can barely look in the mirror, it sounds so vain but it's just sheer hatered between my body &me, I'm caking myself in make up and plastering on a smile every day, it's a mask - inside I'm hating every minute of life right now. I've been pulling my hair out, and punching myself in the stomach and it feels good, I know thats bad, but I'm so uncomfortable and unhappy I just want to shrivel up.

So yeah I would absolutely love if my head were to shut up and start being nicer to me. I'm trying to hold on and fight through it, but it's getting harder and harder as each day goes by...