Friday 13 April 2012
my evil ghost..
They say that it gets easier in time, that when you start nourish your body up to a healthy weight your thought process changes, I've been told this so many times, and I've never really reached the stage where that's happened, in all my years of being ill I've not been at a healthy weight for longer than a month or so. It's like i've only ever got so far then BOOM i'm back to square one, it happens every time, and I'm fed up of it, I sometimes think well maybe I'll never recover? But I don't want that, I want to recover, I want to really properly get better, its just after countless failed attempts I'm back down at the bottom again, AGAIN, I dont know what to do, I seriously doubt myself. I want more than anything for this time to be different, for this to be the real deal y'know, to say goodbye to the illness that has stolen away my teenage years, lost me countless amounts of friends, turned me into nothing but a hollow shell, I want it gone, I dont want it anymore, I hate it, it's controlling, evil and deciteful - its not me anymore, its anorexia, it stole me away, THE REAL ME, where is she? she hasn't been there for many years, sometimes little glimpses come out, little sparkles of me, but never me. I'm not even sure who I am, anorexia its all ive known since about the age of 11, who am I really? what do I have to offer this big wide world? what's so good about little old me? what do I really want from life? I want to be free, I want to be happy and free and loving, I want to explore the world, want to see things from MY eyes, not anorexia's MINE. afterall this is MY body, it's my body anorexia has hurt, beaten, ruined, starved, time after time, I've fallen back into its arms. But not this time, no no no, no more anorexia, no more, you hear me? I am not your ghost anymore, I'm not your slave, I want a life, I want to live, I want a future without pain, hunger, fear, lonliness and anger - I want a future without you. This time, this last time, I swear I'm going to fight you with every last bit of me, you bring me nothing worth having - nothing, I realise that now, why would I want to come back to you? I dont, and I wont. No matter how hard you fight, no matter how loud you shout, I will rise above you, and destroy you, I will take back everything you have taken from me, EVERYTHING, and that includes MY body, its not yours to hurt anymore - its mine. so yeah, fuck you.
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I can only say that you have to keep on trying. I am not sure what clicked this time, why I decided that this time was the end of bulimia but it is. 33 years - and I am finally really overcoming this. There is always hope, the disease is horrible and I don't have the answer or the special pill that is going to kick your anorexia to the curb, but you truly you truly can. Perfection is twisted in our society, it makes us want to be someone we really shouldn't be and before we know it we have been trapped. I think the hardest part for me was living with this bad habit for a very long time. I believed that I truly had to fix all my problems, all my past before I could put this behind me, but it really was mind over the evil negative voice that I always heard. I often told myself tomorrow will be a better day, or I will stop binging/purging today - it didn't work, if I wasn't b/p - I would restrict. I must have said 1000 times that I would have a better day, be a better weight and it never happened. The day I told my negative voice to shut up, and the day I accepted my body size for what it is was the day that my world changed. If I can help you, or be there to listen to you, I will. Hugs honey, there is a life without ED. I am seeing the rainbow after the rain. You can too!
ReplyDeleteI don't have any first-hand experience with this like HealingBelladonna does (what a great comment!). I do hope though that you can keep what you've written handy and refer back to it when things get hard. It's an amazing thing to think that at seventeen you have a change to completely rediscover yourself, to find the girl behind anorexia's shadow. You can only go up from here. I too will offer whatever support I can give you, even if just following along and leaving words of encouragement. This journey of yours won't be easy, but in the end it will be easier than living with something that keeps you from being who you are. You're so worth that effort.
ReplyDeleteI also really hope you will keep this to come back to. It speaks so much strength & determination and I really truly believe in you - you can overcome this. You WILL overcome this. Much love beautiful x x
ReplyDeletethank you all for the support, cant express enough how much it means to me. much love xxx
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