Friday, 13 April 2012
my evil ghost..
They say that it gets easier in time, that when you start nourish your body up to a healthy weight your thought process changes, I've been told this so many times, and I've never really reached the stage where that's happened, in all my years of being ill I've not been at a healthy weight for longer than a month or so. It's like i've only ever got so far then BOOM i'm back to square one, it happens every time, and I'm fed up of it, I sometimes think well maybe I'll never recover? But I don't want that, I want to recover, I want to really properly get better, its just after countless failed attempts I'm back down at the bottom again, AGAIN, I dont know what to do, I seriously doubt myself. I want more than anything for this time to be different, for this to be the real deal y'know, to say goodbye to the illness that has stolen away my teenage years, lost me countless amounts of friends, turned me into nothing but a hollow shell, I want it gone, I dont want it anymore, I hate it, it's controlling, evil and deciteful - its not me anymore, its anorexia, it stole me away, THE REAL ME, where is she? she hasn't been there for many years, sometimes little glimpses come out, little sparkles of me, but never me. I'm not even sure who I am, anorexia its all ive known since about the age of 11, who am I really? what do I have to offer this big wide world? what's so good about little old me? what do I really want from life? I want to be free, I want to be happy and free and loving, I want to explore the world, want to see things from MY eyes, not anorexia's MINE. afterall this is MY body, it's my body anorexia has hurt, beaten, ruined, starved, time after time, I've fallen back into its arms. But not this time, no no no, no more anorexia, no more, you hear me? I am not your ghost anymore, I'm not your slave, I want a life, I want to live, I want a future without pain, hunger, fear, lonliness and anger - I want a future without you. This time, this last time, I swear I'm going to fight you with every last bit of me, you bring me nothing worth having - nothing, I realise that now, why would I want to come back to you? I dont, and I wont. No matter how hard you fight, no matter how loud you shout, I will rise above you, and destroy you, I will take back everything you have taken from me, EVERYTHING, and that includes MY body, its not yours to hurt anymore - its mine. so yeah, fuck you.