Sunday, 22 April 2012

I so desperately want to be okay, but I am not

I want to be okay. I want to be better. I want to be free, and happy, I want to say I'm doing great, that everything is rosy and I'm not hurting. But I'm not okay, I'm not better, I am hurting, I am hurting so much in fact. I don't know what to say, I am following my meal plan, I am trying, but everything is horrible, these thoughts, voices, in my head, telling me I'm fat, I'm horrible; disgusting; that I'd be better of dead, they're taking over every waking moment. You see, when I'm not eating, when I'm starving, it blocks out all these horrible thoughts and emotions, so I dont have to feel them, all I feel is the pain from starving; the hunger, the intense stomach pain; the racing heart. But I am starting to eat again, little bits at a time, slowly but surely, but now that means I'm faced with all these horrible thoughts, emotions, memories, that I've tried so hard for so long to block out. I dont like it one bit, my thoughts they are racing, the paranoia is intense ; nobody wants you, nobody really likes you; they're all secretly plotting against you; theyre distancing themselves because they dont want you around; they dont want you here; everyone is staring at you because you're so fat and ugly; theyre all laughing; they all want you gone, out of their lives, you're useless, a horrible friend, go on, die, no one wants you. It's all spinning around me so fast, I feel as though I'm on one of those things in a playground that spin round and round and round really fast until you scream for it stop so you can get off to be sick, but I cant get off, I want off, I want it all to stop, because I cant handle these things that are going through my head. The flashbacks from school, they zip through my head like a film reel, one after the other, but its not just these, the eating disorder;the voice in my head; its tearing me to shreds ripping me apart, because I'm eating, I shouldnt be eating, I dont deserve it, I'm going to become obese, everyone is just trying to make me fat ; I try to block it out, tell it to shut the fuck up, but its all so loud so fast, I have so much going through my head and I dont know what to do with it, because for so long I have punished myself, starved myself, exersised to the point of passing out, all to block it out, and now I'm not starving, the urges to self harm are intense, like knives being thrown at me, I need something, I need to feel something other than this pain, I need to block out what's in my head, but no, I cant self harm, I stopped for 2 years, everyone was so proud, my scars are clearing up, I can wear short sleeves, I try to ration with myself, come on Rachael dont do it, but the urges are strong, I need something, I need this to stop. I cant control it, I dont like it, I'm losing my grip, I need this to stop.


  1. Loads of hugs to you, beautiful. I really wish I could say words that would make this easier. But keep going - this will be so worth it. I am so proud of you for what you're doing. Love x x x

  2. just remember three things:

    1. all the thoughts will pass, but only with health and time.
    2. people love you.
    3. we will be friends forever but for that, you have to be better.

    x xx

  3. In trying to think of what to say for this post I found myself struggling for the right words all day, something that rarely happens. I wanted to write something that would hopefully stay with you, and this time decided to let someone else do the talking. So I searched for a poem I felt would be fitting and eventually came across this one. Maybe you've heard it, I hadn't read it before tonight. But I see you in this, I hope you will too.


    One day you finally knew
    what you had to do, and began,
    though the voices around you
    kept shouting
    their bad advice-
    though the whole house
    began to tremble
    and you felt the old tug
    at your ankles.
    "Mend my life!"
    each voice cried.
    But you didn't stop.
    You knew what you had to do,
    though the wind pried
    with its stiff fingers
    at the very foundations,
    though their melancholy
    was terrible.
    It was already late
    enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
    branches and stones.
    But little by little,
    as you left their voices behind,
    the stars began to burn
    through the sheets of clouds,
    and there was a new voice
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do--
    determined to save
    the only life you could save.

    ~ Mary Oliver

    Living with this is something you've struggled with for a long time, being able to live without it will take some time as well. Please be kind to yourself and realize that as painful as it is, it's all part of the process. You have friends you know who love you as well as those you don't, who all believe in you. I believe in you.