Sunday, 22 April 2012
I so desperately want to be okay, but I am not
I want to be okay. I want to be better. I want to be free, and happy, I want to say I'm doing great, that everything is rosy and I'm not hurting. But I'm not okay, I'm not better, I am hurting, I am hurting so much in fact. I don't know what to say, I am following my meal plan, I am trying, but everything is horrible, these thoughts, voices, in my head, telling me I'm fat, I'm horrible; disgusting; that I'd be better of dead, they're taking over every waking moment. You see, when I'm not eating, when I'm starving, it blocks out all these horrible thoughts and emotions, so I dont have to feel them, all I feel is the pain from starving; the hunger, the intense stomach pain; the racing heart. But I am starting to eat again, little bits at a time, slowly but surely, but now that means I'm faced with all these horrible thoughts, emotions, memories, that I've tried so hard for so long to block out. I dont like it one bit, my thoughts they are racing, the paranoia is intense ; nobody wants you, nobody really likes you; they're all secretly plotting against you; theyre distancing themselves because they dont want you around; they dont want you here; everyone is staring at you because you're so fat and ugly; theyre all laughing; they all want you gone, out of their lives, you're useless, a horrible friend, go on, die, no one wants you. It's all spinning around me so fast, I feel as though I'm on one of those things in a playground that spin round and round and round really fast until you scream for it stop so you can get off to be sick, but I cant get off, I want off, I want it all to stop, because I cant handle these things that are going through my head. The flashbacks from school, they zip through my head like a film reel, one after the other, but its not just these, the eating disorder;the voice in my head; its tearing me to shreds ripping me apart, because I'm eating, I shouldnt be eating, I dont deserve it, I'm going to become obese, everyone is just trying to make me fat ; I try to block it out, tell it to shut the fuck up, but its all so loud so fast, I have so much going through my head and I dont know what to do with it, because for so long I have punished myself, starved myself, exersised to the point of passing out, all to block it out, and now I'm not starving, the urges to self harm are intense, like knives being thrown at me, I need something, I need to feel something other than this pain, I need to block out what's in my head, but no, I cant self harm, I stopped for 2 years, everyone was so proud, my scars are clearing up, I can wear short sleeves, I try to ration with myself, come on Rachael dont do it, but the urges are strong, I need something, I need this to stop. I cant control it, I dont like it, I'm losing my grip, I need this to stop.