Thursday, 19 April 2012

I just want to be me...

I'm scared, I'm scared that I've pushed my friends away, that my illness has driven them away from me, I fear they no longer want me or need me, who would want to be friends with the ill girl? This is the way it goes every time, I get really sick again, end up on bed rest or worse still - in hospital, they move on, so many of them have moved/are moving away from this life, this illness, they dont want to be reminded of it, they want me to be well - but I am not, they cant stand to be around me while I'm like this, which I understand, but I've already lost so many friends because of this, and well I dont want to be alone when I come out of the other side - which i AM going to, I just fear that they cant wait any longer, there's only so much they can do or say, they're fed up of me - my illness, I'm not the girl they once knew, I'm nothing but a hollow, tired, shell - who wants that as a friend? I offer no qualities to them, I'm quiet, withdrawn, I dont laugh anymore, I'm lost, and theres only so much they can do..

I sit in my room, reading/hearing of their adventures, the sleepovers, days out, going off to uni, dance classes, holidays, and all I want is to be a part of that, I want to be out there with them, I'm so lonely here trapped in ana's clutches once again. I'm bored, alone, and I'm scared I've pushed them away for good. They cant trust me when I say I've eaten, after all the lies, the excuses - who would trust me? Most of them have been through it themselvs, they know the way it goes, they know and understand the place I'm in, many have been worse than what I am in fact, I just dont know what to do. What if they are moving on without me? Why should they wait? But this isnt the way I wanted it to be, I dont want this anymore, I want to be moving with them, not sitting here left behind, as always. I'm trying to get better, I really am, I'm fighting again, fighting back against the evil in my head, each mouthful gets a torrent of abuse, but unlike before - I force it down, i carry on, I think of my friends and how badly I miss them, how badly I dont want to lose them, and before I know it - thats another meal done. I pat myself on the back, for this is a good thing I'm doing, its whats I need to do. I am so so desperate to get the old Rachael back, the one my friends and family love, the girl with the great big smile who laughs at anything, the girl who's a proper shopaholic and needs to be dragged out of shops, the girl without anorexia. Thats the girl I want to be, I want to be Rachael.

Thinking of all this, I picture my illness as an evil dictator, pushing me, commanding me, dragging me down, pushing my friends out, alienating me, trying to mould me into something it wants - which in reality isnt even possible - no matter how sick I get It's never enough, theres always another few pounds to lose, always an extra lump of fat to burn off, why am I doing this? Its been 7 years, and not once has it made me happy. All it has done is to land me in hospital countless times, lose me many friends, stole away my teenage years, and to be honest the times when I've been most ill have been the times I've been most unhappy... so what continues to drag me into this? This evil dictator in my head. But this is my life, my body, my friends I'm on the verge of losing - why should I allow an illness to own me, to rule my life, to make my choices? For the first time ever since I've been ill, I'm beginning to recognize anorexia as not a friend, but an enemy, and evil, I am angry at it, angry at myself for continuing to obey it. A friend is someone who comes running to your rescue late at night when you've messed up bad, saves your life, holds your hand and hugs you tight while you're rushed to hospital but still loves you, a true friend is someone who goes to all the effort of making you up meal plans because well camhs arent all that great at doing that, a true friend is someone who goes round lots of your friends and gets messages of support to make into a collage to show you how loved you are, a true friend is someone who laughs with you; cries with you, a friend isnt someone who abuses you, hurts you.

So if you're reading this, I love you, please dont leave me just yet, I need you guys, I promise I'm getting better, I promise I'm going to make you proud. I'm sorry for the lies, for the pain, the anger, for having to put up with my illness, but please dont leave me, Rachael's coming back. She's coming back. For good this time. I know you've heard it before, and I know there will be doubt, but I know Its gona work out. The girl you loved, the one you went out for cake with, the one who you walked into your kitchen to find rolling round the floor with your cat even though shes allergic, that girl shes still in there, and I'm digging deep to drag her back out. I'm so lucky to have friends like you, and even if you do leave I will understand, I've pushed you so much, but I love you, all of you.



  1. You are so inspirational. You WILL fight this, you ARE fighting this and I'm so proud for all of the steps you are making. I can't wait to see Rachael coming back. Keep fighting beautiful girl x

  2. I am so proud of you. I KNOW you are gonna do this. Keep fighting beautiful - it'll be worth it. So much love x x x

  3. Sweetheart, fiery red-haired little beautiful star, they won't leave, and if they quieten their presence, it will return. They love you, we love you, and true friends will stick by you, they may find it hard, they might vanish for a few weeks to find the strength to watch you suffer, but they'll return, they'll always be there, in the shadows, willing you to carry on.

    Your illness has had you for too long. I understand, I'm 22 - almost 23, my friends have succesful jobs, I can't do anything other than waitress on a 0 hour contract because of the ods, the suicidal thoughts, the torrents of laxatives the whatever i dont care anymore attitude that the lack of life in me has caused. I cant bear to see my friends, they remind me of what i could and should be and everything im not.

    sweetheart, you have to get through this, because you deserve it, and because your illness doesn't deserve you. you deserve better. you deserve all the things your mising out on, you deserve to play nurses with jo, dance and prance and smile and laugh and mean it.

    you'll get there, it will be a battle, but you're a fighter xxxx

  4. ♪♫•*♥¨*•.¸¸♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*♥¨*•.♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪♫

    I believe in you, always. And I'm not going anywhere.

    ♪♫•*♥¨*•.¸¸♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♫♪ ♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*¨*

  5. I just started following your blog and I just want to say I understand what you are talking about. Amaris Starshine said it beautifly. Hang in there sweet girl!


  6. thank you all so so much, your support means more than you'll ever know.
    all my love,
    Hope xxx