Friday, 6 April 2012

and once again she ends up in hospital...

I guess the title of this post kinda gives it away huh? Silly little me went a bit crazy and ended up in a&e, ibuprofen overdose, luckily I got out that night though I hate accident and emergency, its full of drunks, old people and smelly people throwing up everywhere - not nice. To be honest most of what happened is a blur, but I do know for sure - I really well and truly wanted to die, right then when I took those tablets that was the one thing on my mind, certain death. So I thought it be a good idea (clearly not in my right mind) to run away and hide out in the freezing cold all day, that way I'd be burning calories being cold, and if the overdose didnt kill me - the cold would. Obviously that didn't quite go to plan. After sevral worried texts and calls from mum and my friends, a little glimmer of ME came out, it didnt last long, it literally just sprang up and I told my best friend where I was. I instantly regretted it. About 5 minutes later she came running towards me in floods of tears, she looked so scared, hurt, broken - all because of me. she hugged me while I cried and all i could think was - look what I've done. Next thing I knew I was lying in a rather squidgy hospital bed with my mum and best friend sitting beside me being poked and proded by student nurses and doctors... it hadn't worked. Now all I can think of is how hurt and scared all these people looked, they thought I was gona die, I cant get the image out of my head - my mum, dad, brother, best friend, her mum, all worried sick they were going to lose me - I hurt them, I hadn't just hurt myself, but I've hurt everyone who loves me. Over the last couple of days since it's happened I've been assesed by various doctors and psychiatrists, who to their credit were all so lovely and understanding (bar one nurse who kept looking at me like a piece of shit and snapping at me -did you do this to kill yourself then?) I felt like saying, well why the hell else would I do this to myself? stupid woman. Anyway, the suppport and love I've got from my close friends and family, and those of my wonderful friends on twitter and from work, has just been amazing, I really am shocked at how many people care about little old me, it's opened my eyes I guess - if I died I wouldn't be just hurting myself, I'd hurt them more because they'd be the ones who'd have to live with my actions, and quite frankly seeing Jo like that on wednesday night kinda touched me, like I have no self worth of myself so to me I'm always like oh her other friends are so much better than me they dont need me theyd be better off without me, but like she geninunely was petrified of losing me, ME, yes ME, people care about me - and it made me realise that I'd be putting her through what I'm going through since losing my friend Kianna to suicide - I cant do that to the girl, I love her and all my friends and family way too much to do that to them.

So yeah that's my little episode in a nutshell there. I've learnt a few things though, it seems like someone up there really isn't ready for me to go - this was my 7th unsuccessful attempt - what does that tell ya? Also, that I have the best friends and family any girl could ever ask for - I know that with their support and the support of The Cullen Centre and camhs I will be okay. i'm gona get through this.

I just want to say thank you Jo for everything, and to Pat, and my mum and dad & Callum (and the lovely wee police man who kept trying to cheer me up and tell me it can only get better now), thank you so much, and I'm really sorry I put you all through that.


  1. firstly, never ever ever ever ever ever do that to me again, okay?

    secondly, i love you. and so do a hell of a lot of other people. especially God. He thinks you're very important.

    but none of us can make you better, you have to do that yourself - fear and all.

    chin up tough cookie, i hear the economic circumstances are looking up and the light of the end of the tunnel has been put back on :P

    x xx

  2. ^seconded.

    I'm so glad you're beginning to see how loved you are. I really hope your awareness of that will just grow & grow. You ARE so loved. Hold on ♥ x

  3. Just stumbled across your blog today and I wanted to say don't give up. It DOES get better. Don't beat yourself up for the past, but concentrate on moving forward. There will be brighter days ahead, it's tough but it is worth it. Sarahx

  4. I too just started to follow your blog. In your dark moments, remember everyone that loves and cares for you. Hang in there!

  5. Hope, thank God you pulled through! I've been talking with a blogging friend who also tried to take her own life with pills some time ago, I've never quite reached this point myself but I think it's so important to talk about it. Please just take it one day at a time and always remember how much you are loved, by those you know and those you haven't met. I'm cheering for you every step of the way.

  6. Thank you so so much everyone, I appreciate your support more than you can imagine. xxx