“Today is all we have, tomorrow is a mirage that may never become reality.” - Louis L'Amour
Have you ever wanted something so bad, so so bad you'd do anything to get it? and you fight and fight to get this thing - but years later, you still don't have it, you still want it so badly, but it feels as though every time you get a step closer, it moves another step further away from you...
That's how I feel about recovery at the moment, it's like a massive tug of war in my head -
'come on get better put your all into this'
'noo come with me i'll make you happy, ill make you beautiful, you know you want to'
'no! you've got so much to look forward to come with meeee'
it's a fight between the bit of me that wants so badly to get better for good and the evil thing in my head giving me promises of 'thin' and 'happy' and 'beautiful' It feels as though as soon as I have a few good days with recovery, the thing in my head freaks out and gets a good grip of me.
I want to recover, I want to live free of this hunger, pain, weakness and lonliness, I really do, but it feels as though my head just wont let me. It has such a strong grip over me, piercing me with horrible taunts and jibes every time I eat, every mouthful is like I've committed a sin, and I'm a sucker for giving in to it, I've been bullied all my life so you'd think I'd be used to the cruel taunts,but no, I'm sensitive, I'm weak - and Anorexia knows that, it uses it to its advantage - it's worked for 6 years so why shouldn't it now?
I'm trying so hard, don't get me wrong, it's just bloody tiring this every day battle I go through, and I'm not the only one who suffers because of my head - I'm scared that I'm pushing my friends away, I'm scared they're going to get sick of me and leave - everyone else has, and I know I'm probably being paranoid as always, but, it's something I really do worry about. I can't do this on my own.
I have the most amazing friends any girl could ask for, for instance, Jo, Morven,Libby & Rachael TS, they give me purpose every day to keep going, whether it be hitting/flicking me when I'm giving in to my head, or simply wanting to spend time with me, being there for me when they can tell I'm struggling, or take the amazing friends I've made on twitter, Emma,Hannah,Jo,Sarah,Laura, & everyone ese - it means so much to me, they mean so much to me, but I feel like I dont deserve such amazing people, I'm scared I'll lose them because of all this, so if any of you are reading this please know that I love you so much and I honestly wouldn't be here without you.