"the power to shine is in every one of us"

Once again, it's been a very tough week. It's been like a rollercoaster, up then down and up and down, although it's been mostly downs lately.

 I don't know whats happening in my head right now, it feels like the ED has gained some crazy amount of power and has completely overwhelmed me, my mood has been the lowest it's been in a VERY long time, I mean I know you can't always feel happy and I accept that, but I just feel totally overwhelmed by everything at the moment. I have SO much to look forward to, have so many amazing incredible people in my life, and for that I am more than greatful, but at the same time thing's in my head aren't going too well. I hate to moan and be all depressing because I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just feel so unhappy inside, it doesn't make sense to me because I have so many positive things in my life, I hate it, I don't understand anything right now.

I know logically I am underweight, a bmi of 15.4 can't really be fat, but at the same time I look in the mirror and see this humoungus, fat, chubby, disgusting thing. I'm so uncomfortable in myself I cant even like I'll sit and cry because all my clothes make me look obese, I'm hiding under baggy tops and trackie bottoms because I just cant bare the sight of myself.. I hate this is illness, it's so contradictaory. and i know to someone on the outside how stupid i must sound 'like omg im so fat my bmi is 15.4' I know that sounds bad, but in my head its like YOU FAT BITCH. I just wish my head would let me see what everyone else sees! urghhhh. It feels like I only ever get so far in recovery then I just hit a brick wall, I've officially hit that wall, I need help.

I'm hoping this will pass, but until then, I could really use some extra support, I hate to ask and be all depressing but I needed to get this all out somehow to at least and try and make sense of it - still no further but at least I got it out, right?