Thursday, 28 June 2012
up, up, and away
I dont really know how to start this off, because there's just so so much going through my head right now and its all jumbled and rather mixed up, so my apologies if this doesn't make much sense but I need to get it all out of my head.
I literally feel as though I have been punched in the face, my weight went up again today and I feel absolutely awful (which isn't unusual for me) and I know it's the only way I can get better but still it feels horrible. I burst into tears when I stepped on those darn scales, it frustrates me how that number has SO much control over me, and after being weighed today I done something really stupid. I am annoyed at myself for it. But seeing that number go up AGAIN, just made me want to scratch my eyeballs out, so I may have like not eaten all day (I got weighed in the morning). Please dont hate me, I know now it wasnt the right thing to do - and I forced myself to have a bigger dinner, and I told my mum what happened and explained to her I may need a bit more support the next few days, because for me seeing my weight go up is like 'erm excuse me make it go down' but ahbbhwfi WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THAT?! I feel like I've failed, everyone, everything, Im sorry. But it's not going to happen again. Tomorrow is a new day, right?
The horrible thing is, now that I am trying to eat more and sort out the eating disorder side of things, everything else is getting worse. For so long I didn't really have to feel/think about anything because I was on such a high from starvation and was so focused on staying ill, it took over everything, but now I am feeling things again, horrible horrible thoughts and emotions, horrible vivid flashbacks of things I desperately dont want to remember, and I dont know what to do with them. I am scared, my head is horrible right now, I dont know how to cope with everything. I feel so engulfed by it all.
Also, my appetite has really started to come back now and I am absolute petrified I'm going to lose control and not be able to stop eating. I AM SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and it's scary, I'm scared I'm already eating too much, I'm scared my weight will just keep going up and up and up and I will end up like one of those obese people on tv :'( I never feel full now, and I'm like aaahhhhh Ive already eaten so much why am I STILL hungry?!! owuqiyyf :(
Blehh, I feel like a big fat disgusting pig. I cannot stand the sight of myself and my body, I just want to hide away forever so nobody has to see me :(