Thursday, 28 June 2012

up, up, and away


I dont really know how to start this off, because there's just so so much going through my head right now and its all jumbled and rather mixed up, so my apologies if this doesn't make much sense but I need to get it all out of my head.

I literally feel as though I have been punched in the face, my weight went up again today and I feel absolutely awful (which isn't unusual for me) and I know it's the only way I can get better but still it feels horrible. I burst into tears when I stepped on those darn scales, it frustrates me how that number has SO much control over me, and after being weighed today I done something really stupid. I am annoyed at myself for it. But seeing that number go up AGAIN, just made me want to scratch my eyeballs out, so I may have like not eaten all day (I got weighed in the morning). Please dont hate me, I know now it wasnt the right thing to do - and I forced myself to have a bigger dinner, and I told my mum what happened and explained to her I may need a bit more support the next few days, because for me seeing my weight go up is like 'erm excuse me make it go down' but ahbbhwfi  WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THAT?! I feel like I've failed, everyone, everything, Im sorry. But it's not going to happen again. Tomorrow is a new day, right?

The horrible thing is, now that I am trying to eat more and sort out the eating disorder side of things, everything else is getting worse. For so long I didn't really have to feel/think about anything because I was on such a high from starvation and was so focused on staying ill, it took over everything, but now I am feeling things again, horrible horrible thoughts and emotions, horrible vivid flashbacks of things I desperately dont want to remember, and I dont know what to do with them. I am scared,  my head is horrible right now, I dont know how to cope with everything. I feel so engulfed by it all.

Also, my appetite has really started to come back now and I am absolute petrified I'm going to lose control and not be able to stop eating. I AM SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and it's scary, I'm scared I'm already eating too much, I'm scared my weight will just keep going up and up and up and I will end up like one of those obese people on tv :'( I never feel full now, and I'm like aaahhhhh Ive already eaten so much why am I STILL hungry?!! owuqiyyf :(

Blehh, I feel like a big fat disgusting pig. I cannot stand the sight of myself and my body, I just want to hide away forever so nobody has to see me :(
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3 comments:

  1. Ruby Tuesday28 June 2012 at 20:06

    I can identify so much,
    I have gained weight recently in an attempt at recovery,
    my therapist weighed me yesterday and it almost undid all the positive changes I've made
    I cried and cried
    I also hate the power those little numbers have over me, they dictate my mood, my self esteem, my confidence and my self worth
    I'm trying so hard to not let numbers rule my life, I'm trying so hard but I also restricted since I was weighed
    But you're right tomorrow is a new day,
    I believe you can do it and I just hope I can

    I'm also afraid of my weight spiralling out of control but my therapist assures me it will even out when I reach my set point,
    I want to believe her

    I know recovery hurts but anorexia kills,
    We seem to be at a similar stage, maybe we can help each other,

    Sending you a big hug x

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  2. Barry29 June 2012 at 04:00

    My dear, do you see how much progress you've made? You've done so so much work. Please don't feel you've failed yourself or others by not eating for that day. Don't you see? You told your mum, you didn't have to but you're being accountable which is a HUGE step to make. I'm so proud of you for this.

    I hope you can continue on this path. I know it's painful, but that's because it's opposite to what you're used to. And what's the opposite of anorexia? Healthy eating habits, a healthy mind and body. Know that you're headed in the right direction, it's okay to stumble if you keep walking.

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  3. Just me30 June 2012 at 16:38

    Beautiful girl you've got to understand there is no hate here. None of us are reading thing and thinking you've let anyone down, or looking badly on you. None of us. You've done amazing work so far and I know it's still such a struggle but you are making incredible progress. I can see how hard you're fighting. And if anything I'm so much more proud of you for not letting this one setback take hold. You owned up and you were honest and you reached out for more support. That is a hard thing for anyone to do, let alone someone fighting such an awful illness.

    You are strong, and you are beautiful, and you are so not a failure. Don't ever let yourself believe otherwise.

    Love x x x

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