Saturday, 28 April 2012
baby steps, one foot after the other..
I don't even think I can put into words how hard I'm trying right now, I'm kinda suprised at myself actually, but in a good way. I'm following my meal plan completly, knowing that yes it is a weight gain meal plan so yes I am going to gain weight, I think I've kind of like regardless of shit I feel about myself and my body I've accepted that well I NEED to gain weight, where as before I was always like oh yeah I'm totally gona get better but not gain any weight - pfft who was I even kidding? You cant recover from anorexia without gaining weight, and I want to recover so badly, I am sick absolutely sick fed up of living like this, and so yeah I am following my meal plan (even right up to the drinking MILK instead of diet coke, Jo would be so proud!) knowing that my weight is gona go up. It's not easy to fight this, these thoughts, my head, are screaming at me like crazy, but I'm actually screaming back for once.
I was sitting in my room feeling a bit rubbish this morning after having my breakfast, my head was screaming telling me how disgusting I am and that nobody's gona want me now, and I was thinking about just how bad I've actually got and how much of a mess I've managed to get myself into, all because of this horrible illness, how much I'm missing out on, and I just got soo angry at myself and at my illness for doing this to me, I punched my wall, like really hard, it hurt! I jumped up out of my little pit of feeling shit(haha that rhymes) and punched my wall next to my mirror. It felt good, I but it hurt.
I looked at myself and all I could think was 'is this really what I've become?' For a moment I looked at myself and I didnt recognise myself. I amn't Rachael, I'm just a hollow beaten existence. My hair is thinner, my lips are chapped and dry, my eyes are heavy and dark, my skin is dry and pale, my pj's were hanging off me, I just look horrible. I still dont see myself as thin, but what I did see was that in that mirror, it wasnt me. The girl staring back looked sad, weak, and tired, and I dont want to be that. I want to be the Rachael that's hyper and happy and driving people crazy with my madness, I want to be the Rachael that's out with her friends laughing and joking, not this 'thing' I have become.
Well this is the last time, this is the last straw for me, I dont want this anymore, I dont want to be the sad, tired, weak girl for the rest of my life. I want Rachael back. I want my long shiny hair, and glowing skin, and my clothes to fit me. I look like a half dead child. How on earth is that 'beautiful'? I know how hard this is gona be, tis gona be one hell of a fight, but for once I'm actually screaming back at anorexia (maybe not very loudly yet) but I'm sure as hell gona get louder as I get healthier. I am going to keep following my meal plan, I am going to put my trust in those around me who I know want the best for me, until I'm well enough to see for myself and trust myself to keep going, but until then I know I'm gona need a bit of shove and a push, but that's okay, right? I'm going to get myself well enough to be able to participate in therapy which starts in august, which is gona help me deal with my issues once and for all. I AM going to get better, baby steps, one foot after the other, I can do this.
So anorexia can take that and shove it where the sun dont shine.