Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Hanging on by a thread..swinging back and forth
Sometimes I really don't know what the hell my head is saying to me. It's confusing and very contradicting at times. I still have that little teeny bit of hope in there somewhere - I know it's there, it has to be - even if I cant always feel it, I have faith that it is there. Otherwise I wouldn't have made the decision I have made - I've been referred back to Camhs as I really haven't been coping well (not my decision) things have not been good for some time now, and I've spent a lot of these past few days thinking about where my life will end up, how long I have to go etc, and I guess I've made the decision in my head - no matter how hard and distressing it may be - I am actually going to accept the help I get from Camhs, unlike before I was constantly lying and throwing it back in their faces - too engrossed in my illness to even acknowledge the meer thought of getting better, because this time, this is my last chance.. yeah there's still adult services which if things aren't any better by the time i'm 18 I will end up there, but camhs has so much more help available to me than adult services. and yeah I'm scared, I'm going to actually have to address the things that happened to me, the demons in my head, if i actually am to ever get better, and the biggie - If I am to really properly really reaaallly recover I'm going to have to face my biggest fear (every eating disorder patient's worse fear) of actually gaining weight. Yeah, I know, I cant do all this psychological work/therapy if my body/brain doesn't have the nutrition it needs to function, and I know I need help - these thoughts and things that go through my head I need help to overcome them, but I actually need to put in the effort and stick to my side of the bargain. But I'm being seriously honest here when I say I am shit scared - who isn't?
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hang on to hope as if it were a balloon so special that you never want to let it float away.
ReplyDeletehope glitters, it is a big pretty balloon and we should tie it to our wrists so it cant escape.
keep going, i know it is a struggle, but it is a struggle you can win x
What a wonderfully awesome way to describe hope. I love picturing big beautiful glittery balloons tied to our "Hope". You know that Hope? We are all here loving you. You are loved more than you know. Just hold on.
DeleteThinking of you. Life is no doubt SO HARD sometimes. But keep strong, beautiful.
ReplyDelete♥
ReplyDeleteYou can do this.
I believe in you.
You can do this! Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI know it seems hard now, but focusing on just breathing makes everything easier. I can't even imagine your pain and your struggle, but soon it will all be behind you like a bad dream. You're so young with so much potential. Never give up:)
ReplyDeleteOf course you are scared. Admitting our private weaknesses is terrifying. The final result will be worth it though and accepting the help will enrich your life in ways you can't even begin to imagine. There are many thinking of you and hoping you find the strength to recover. Much luck and love to you!
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for writing this blog. Please remember that you are beautiful and there are people all over the world that love you, even though they don't know you. Try and believe in all of the amazing things you are going to accomplish! You rock!
ReplyDeleteYou are strong enough to do this. What you have to face is scary, but you've taken the first few steps. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong and brave. You can do this. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteDont Give up... Never Give up... Everyone says it for a reason.. it gets better, you are better than this.. and you can do it :) Love and Light to you!
ReplyDeleteStay strong! The road won't be easy, but it will be SO worth it in the end to be healthy and strong and happy! You can beat this!
ReplyDeleteStay strong! The road won't be easy, but it will be SO worth it in the end to be healthy and strong and happy! You can beat this!
ReplyDeleteHello there,
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're working through some really tough stuff. I know it's not going to be easy for you, but I hope that you have the strength to stick with it. Lots and lots of love to you and best wishes.
Jo
xxx
Keep on going! We're all here to support you and cheer you on :)
ReplyDeleteYou can do it lovely!
Lots and lots of love your way,
Much blessings xxx
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson
ReplyDeleteHang on to your hope- you can face your fears. You can, you are, and you will.
You are stronger than you know- you will surprise yourself with your strength.
It's ok to be scared - just hold onto the hope that you can conquer those fears.
You are here because you have something very special to give and to do in this life. Maybe it would help to write down where you see yourself in 6 months, one year, two years, five years, etc. Focus on how you will feel and what you will be doing. Then hang onto that positive feeling and work like heck to get there.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember: You Are Worth It.
Hope, darling... you're doing the right thing. Benefit from others who have been there. Get the help you need to be happy, healthy, and whole. You owe it to yourself, and to the world that would miss you shining your light (because it really would).
ReplyDeleteJust remember that you're never really alone, even if it feels that way. And also, you get to define what your happiness and success look like. Don't let anyone else decide that for you, and don't let them judge it, either. And it's OK if you don't know, too; try on lots of things until you find what fits.
The thing about trauma is that the only way to get over the pain is to go through it. The stuff we do to avoid hurting jacks us up worse than simply feeling the pain does. It's OK to be scared, too. You're allowed to take breaks, but quitting? Not recommended.
Most of all, though, I hope get how wonderful it is that random strangers are sending you love and good will. May the good juju carry you forward and light your darkest days.
Oceans of love,
Peg
Loving and praying for you. Stand fast in your self worth, you are worth loving, you are worth getting healthy for! XoXo -Courtney
ReplyDeleteHope is the most important thing. Don't give up. What a huge step in your recovery to go and face your fears. You can do it even though it is going to be the hardest thing in the world. Take it one tiny step at a time even if you take a few backwards first!
ReplyDeletethis LOVE BOMB is for YOU, because i love you and so does the world. x xx
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who suffered for over 15 years with an eating disorder I know what you are going through. Recovery is a rough road but the freedom at the end is SO worth it.
ReplyDeleteMay today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there in each and every one of us. Including and especially you. xoxo
You don't know me and I don't know you, but I wanted to take a moment to send some kindness your way. Life really is scary. But it's also truly amazing! Once you get through the darkness, you'll find that the world is full of people to meet, places to see, skills to learn, tastes to try and roads to take. It isn't easy, and sometimes it does make you want to give up. But believe me, it's true what they say - in the end, everything is going to be all right. And not just all right - wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHang on there, you're not the only one who is dangling by a string of hope above an abyss. There are people who've gone through it, and survived, and discovered the huge amount of love, compassion and kindness there is in this world. You're strong, you're beautiful and you're a survivor.
Hope- I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many women who are going through and have gone through the demons you are fighting and those that have overcome them can help you. As you said, you have to let them, and you have admitted that you need the help. This is AWESOME! You have made such a giant step, even though it may not seem like it. You were made beautiful and you are beautiful. God doesn't make mistakes. He made you the way you are for a purpose. If everyone looked the same way this world would be so drab and boring. You are your own unique person and there will NEVER be another Hope, another you. Find the strength within yourself (I know you have it!) and you will find yourself doing things you never imagined. I pray that God will carry you though this difficult time and will bless you in extra special ways. Prayers, hugs and LOVE from Green Bay, WI.
ReplyDeleteKeep going, and dont give up! YOU GOT THIS GIRL! There will always be hope there, and you have made the right decision by accepting help. It's all going to be okay in the end, I promise. You're strong, so don't give in to this illness. Fight back. I just want you to know that there are a lot of people out there that really care about you, even if we don't really know you. You've been through a lot, but it's only made you stronger. I'll be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand. I, too, struggle with depression and I am scared. Just know that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteGetting better begins with you believing that you are worth it. Love yourself and take back your health from this illness! Sometimes the greatest heroes in our lives are us because we hang tough and battle our way out against the odds. With every new day, Jehovah affirms that you can make it so believe that you will; keep fighting and keep holding on! (sending hugs your way!!)
ReplyDeleteHang in there beautiful <3 I too have struggled with self harm and an eating disorder and I remember how, when you're so deep in the darkness, recovery seems impossible and unimaginable. But you know what? It's not! It can be yours! For me, years have passed and I am happier than I ever thought I could be. You too can have that kind of happiness in your future- you've just got to fight for recovery. I believe in you!
ReplyDeleteI know it feels like you're fighting a losing battle, but hang in there! It will get better :) xoxo
ReplyDeleteSending you much love, there is a part of you who just knows what is right for you, sometimes we need time and alot of support to remind ourself of that voice inside who can embrace, love and accept everything that we are and guide us through hard times. You shine honey, never ever give up. Big warm heart for you
ReplyDeleteI will pray that you come through this. You are strong and an inspiration to others. Feel our love and support and always remember how special you are. Be blessed... xoxo debj
ReplyDeleteOf course you're scared. You're struggling with a beastly illness, facing your biggest fears, and taking a major step by going into treatment. One of my favourite self-help authors, Barbara Sher, once said: "You're supposed to be scared of some of the steps you are taking. If you're not scared, you're not taking big enough steps."
ReplyDeleteOnly you can do this--*and* you don't have to do it alone. All the people who love you and care about you--a number that is about to go up exponentially, because your blog is this week's Love Bomb recipient--are here for you.
I will hold you in my loving-kindness meditation today. It goes like this: "May you be safe from pain and fear. May you be happy and peaceful. May you be strong and healthy. May you care for yourself and others with joy."
I haven't had any direct experience with an eating disorder, but I've certainly gone through multiple periods of profound depression, high anxiety, and deep despair--largely due to a debilitating chronic physical illness. Once, a very wise friend was trying to console me when I was beating myself up for not being able to be positive and hopeful all the time. She said something to me that I've never forgotten: "Right now, you're not strong enough to hold onto the hope. That's what your friends are for. We'll hold the hope for you. And when you're strong enough, we'll give it back."
You've already thought through a lot of really hard decisions. That fire of determination will keep hope burning as well. Love and strength to you.
ReplyDeleteGah, I remember how that feels. Not exactly; I never had an ED, but I struggled with depression, anxiety and self-harm for years. (I still struggle with anxiety, but it's getting better all the time.) I remember feeling like I understood that things could get better, but I couldn't quite imagine what 'better' would be like. I remember being afraid sometimes that I would get better - afraid I'd be a different person; that I wouldn't recognize a happier/healthier version of myself. Afraid that without the depression/anxiety/SI, people would expect too much from me and I wouldn't be able to measure up.
ReplyDeleteIt did get better, though. I'm not a different person; I'm the same person, just better able to function in the world. The things I was afraid of disappeared and I got a glimpse of what life can be like - not without problems, but with the ability to cope with problems. The ability to be happy and to like myself (at least sometimes).
I hope and believe you will get make it through this difficult time; that you will not only survive but thrive. Just keep trying; that's all you or anyone else can expect of you. Try, and believe that you're going to be ok.
Take care.
You are beautiful, you are strong, and you CAN do this. I believe in you Hope!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Allissa
p.s. - Ever need something encouraging to read? Check out this blog. Seriously. There's some good stuff there.
http://www.goodwomenproject.com
Get ready for a LOVE BOMB =)
Hope, I am helping drop a "love bomb" - Best of wishes to you - you are such a special person - and this world is lucky to have you. I just wanted to share a quote and was thinking of you....
ReplyDelete"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Rach - you have strength that most people could only dream of.
ReplyDeleteYou will beat this - just hang on in there!
I love you very muchly and am always here for you.
*super huge Rufus cuddles*
XXXXXXXXX
What a courageous young woman you are. May you find the support you need.
ReplyDeleteHope, everyone gets scared. What feeds the fear is giving up and let it take you. You are facing your fear. You can do this. You are a strong beautiful person, especially for sharing your story of struggle with us. There are so many people who struggle with self-loathing and I bet anything your words help them. This moment in your life does not define you. You are bigger than your struggles. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteDear Hope,
ReplyDeleteI read your last post, and wanted to say that I think you are very courageous, and that I'm proud of you for acknowledging that you need help - that is the hardest thing in the world to admit.
I too struggled with anorexia and bulimia when I was in college; even though I looked green, felt like crap, and was severely underweight - I still felt fat. So I totally understand where you're coming from. Its hard to break those thoughts in your head telling you things that the outside world thinks is false. Even to this day, 13 years after conquering my eating disorder, I know those thoughts are still in there -- they never leave, but you just learn how to not listen to them.
I just wanted to share what stopped my eating disorder in its tracks. Somebody told me that if I was anorexic, that I wouldn't be able to have babies in the future. No babies??? That was my ah-ha moment, because I've ALWAYS wanted to be a Mommy -- and there was nothing in the world that would stop me from having them. So I changed my thinking from "I'm scared to gain weight" to "I'm eating for my future babies". And here I am with 2 beautiful little boys who fill my heart with more joy than I've ever known possible.
I really wish you so much luck in conquering your eating disorder Hope. Just think that all these people you don't even know are e-mailing you because they love you. But the most important person who should love you is YOU!!
XOXO
Julie
British Columbia, Canada
Hope:
ReplyDeleteTeenage years can be tough to go through, and then battling issues can make it even worse. I remember having some tough things to go through when I was your age. I had many people doubt that I would be able to be successful in life. Some even doubted I would make it through college if I went. I was often down on myself inside as I felt they may be right, but I was determined I would not let anyone else dictate my life story. I knew I could always move to a different location, or change my life in other ways if things were too tough for me at my existing location. Sometimes it was tough, and I felt like quitting, but I never gave up. My life is not perfect, but I have many things to be thankful for today. Remember this quote from the famous football coach Paul Bear Bryant..."If you believe in yourself and have dedication and pride - and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of victory is high but so are the rewards." You can beat whatever is bringing you down. You are at a good time in your life. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you can choose to be whom you want to be. If you are not around others who can encourage you such as people at a good church, or organization, I would encourage you to involve yourself with them. I wish you the best, and I hope to read of your great success sometime in the future!
Sincerely,
Jeff
I believe in you more than you could ever imagine, and just reading your blog has really touched me. It is one hell of a journey, but you can definately get through this because you are a STAR, so bright, and when you get even further into recovery, you will shine even brighter! We have all got sooo much in life to look forward to. Hope is absolutely in your favour <3 I love you to infinity and beyond {never forget you are beautiful in every way possible! We are here for you every step of recovery, you are not alone} xxxxx LoLo
ReplyDeletedon't lose sight of that hope, even if it is just a small glimmer. keep your eyes on it. It will be a hard journey but once you reach the other side (and you WILL), just imagine what that will be like. Imagine the other girls you could help with your story. you are a beautiful person, and even though it is hard to deal with the idea of gaining weight, just know that it will not change how beautiful you are. don't give up. you are loved. you are worth it.
ReplyDeleteYou CAN do this. You have chosen life and you can take the baby steps it will take to get healthy. You can control the fears, you will conquer this. Hold on to those that love you and let them help you.
ReplyDelete<3,
someone cheering for you
"Hope", There is so much to hang on to and even more to hang on for. Shake whatever is in your head and follow your heart. It may be heavy today, but life is so rewarding and there are so many of us who know how much brighter the world is already...just because you are a part of it!
ReplyDeleteI am in a similar boat, but I refuse to give in to the grief and despair that wants to creep in. I have recently lost several family members. Every day reminds me of them, but I try to find a way to turn my sadness into joyful memories.
"Hope" hang on to the beauty all around you. Hang on to life and continue to bless everyone around you with your beauty, wit, charm, and love. We need you. Your future needs you. You have so much to look forward to.
God bless you!
Much love & friendship
I just said a prayer for you, Hope. Your courage is an inspiration to me. I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteKeep holding onto that hope. You are so much more beautiful and so much stronger than you realise. All my love, and best wishes.
ReplyDeleteThink og it as gaining hope rather than weight. Think about every little gain of hope makes you better and stronger. Better and stronger so you can face those demons who haunt you. What once was bleak will shine, what was once chilled will become warm, what was once grey will become white. It is okay to be scared, demons are terror, but be brave and face them each day.
ReplyDeleteYou were meant to live, otherwise you would not have been born. You are actually very lucky, do not let anyone (including yourself) or anything get you down. Get out of your own head, listen to the vibes of the universe. Everything good exists for you and it's waiting for you to summon it. STAY POSITIVE. You can do anything you really want to do. If you don't have health, you won't be able to enjoy what awaits. Love, Mrs. Sternberg
ReplyDeleteHope,
ReplyDeleteOh girl, I have so been there. I tried to commit suicide when I was your age. I'm 26 now and life is so beautiful and wonderful. I could never have imagined it would be this good. It has been a long road, the "black dog" of depression still visits sometimes, and I think it will always be on my temperament, but I want you to know that things do get better. Medication helped, for me, but more than that was learning to give up to a higher power (God/ the Universe/ Higher Mind/ whatever you want to call it) and praying that my life be used as a gift to the world.
Give yourself patience, time, the freedom to be who you are. Find good friends, go easy on yourself, do community service or charity work. Find the little thing that you were put on this earth to do. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Whether it's baking bread or tutoring kids or taking dance classes or whatever it is, do your thing. You'll come to see yourself as a beautiful piece in a much bigger picture. You're here to be a light in the world, Hope.
There is a bright future ahead for you, I promise. Get well soon. So much love,
Heidi
Love goes everywhere, in your darkest times it's enough just to know it's there. Love yourself b/c there is no one else like you. Be confident because you are stronger and smarter than you think. :-)
ReplyDeleteTake it one step at a time to overcome your fears. Know that there are positive aspects to practicing healthy habits and if you focus on those positive things, that will get you through the times when you feel weak or scared or tempted to fall back on the habits that have not been beneficial to you. Seek support from those who are there to help you and allow them to help you get better.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it but only you have the power to believe that and make it happen. You may surprise yourself at what you can accomplish when fighting your demons...you'll come out on the other side as a much stronger and healthier girl and you will be proud of yourself and feel better for it. Baby steps, hope! Hang on to those baby steps and the progress will take you through to where you need to be.
Have a wonderful day!
Sincerely,
Nicole
The Madlab Post
Sweetheart...my prayer for you is that you will come to see that you are a goddess and that YOUR BODY IS A SACRED TEMPLE - that must be treated with the best care, nutrition, love, respect and gratitude. Your body is a gift to you from the Divine. I urge you to read "Anatomy Of The Spirit" by Carolyn Myss; which has helped me many times and in many ways. Let this difficult time in your life be the catalyst that propels you to make huge changes and take control of your life. Praying for the best for you!
ReplyDeleteHang on, I truly believe you can do this.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with GAD and depression , and I know its not an easy road in any way, but I firmly believe you will come out on the other end a stronger and more empathetic person for your experiences.
even your darkest hour is only 60 minutes long....sending hugs xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteStay strong even when it seems impossible. Your body is yours. Hold on.
ReplyDeleteHope is powerful. Grasp it. Keep regrabbing for it when it seems to slip. You can do this. Many are hoping right along with you. Sending prayers.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it- you've come this far, I struggle with eating problems too and mental illness and I know how tough it is. I have conquered many demons. I know you can do it. Peace and blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteHope
ReplyDeleteYour name is lovely. It says so much.
You're really never alone. Honest. When I start to get depressed or overwhelmed you know what I do? I get outside and go for a walk. And I notice things. The birds, a flower, the inside of someone's decorated home. It always brings a smile to my face. And when I smile, it starts to make one happier. Try it. Just smile.....keep smiling. Someone will smile back and there you go Hope. Life gets a little easier.
It will for you too. It's the law of the Universe.
Be well Hope.
When you've never had to do it, deciding to accept help seems like such an obvious choice - but it's so much harder than that. It takes a lot of strength to lay yourself open to something you know is going to hurt. I'm not surprised you're scared, but you're still doing this, and that is courage not everyone has. Take a little while to be proud of that, before you push yourself to accept gaining weight or face your demons. You don't have to stand up to all your fears at once.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how long you have until you turn eighteen, but right now, you have good help and support. You have already proven that you are strong enough to get through this decision. Trust that you will be strong enough to get through the next one...and then the one after that, as they arise. Looking at everything you have to face all stretched out ahead of you, it seems like too much. It's not. It will come so much more easily that it seems when you're straing down the whole process. Not easily, but not as bad as it can look.
You can do this, and it will be worth it. Believe that, because it's the absolute truth.
You've already taken one of the hardest steps - acknowledging that there's a problem and deciding that you're going to tackle it, no matter how terrifying it seems at the start. You are smart, and you are strong, and you will get through this. Even if you're scared, you're not alone - everyone else that's gone through this, and everyone that's going through it right now with you, they're all feeling the same emotions you're feeling, but there ARE people on the other side, who've made it through, and are happy and healthy. Gaining weight may be the worst thing you can think of to have to do, but know that no matter what you weigh, you're still a beautiful, smart, strong young woman.
ReplyDeleteYour strength in acknowledging this and your determination to fight it are inspiring. I believe in you. There's an army of us here who believes in you. Keep hanging onto that hope you have and I pray it's going to grow so much. Keep fighting beautiful; you'll see the end of this! x x
ReplyDeleteI struggled with an eating disorder when I was younger. Although I ended up sorting through my issues alone and (thankfully) without any real problems, I definitely understand where you're coming from and how eating a normal meal can end up being a challenge. You're in my thoughts and prayers
ReplyDeleteAbby
Hope, you are brave and I respect you so much for talking to us and sharing. A wise person made a comment to me once that really spoke to me and helped me turn the corner out of my depression (I have no family and stuggle against loneliness)- he said to me 'thoughts are not facts.' Since then, I meditate as a way to quiet my thoughts and to let them float by without gripping me as strongly or destructively as they once did. Sincere peace and caring kindness to you from me. x
ReplyDeleteHi Hope, Your name is beautiful! Be strong and take one day at a time. When you are working through these issues you will find yourself to be a much stronger person. Saying prayers for you , Hope. Michelle
ReplyDeleteOf course you would be scared, who wouldn't? But you are so brave to share your fear with all of us reading your post. It is very courageous to write your story for the world to see. Not many people have that kind of inner courage, and I am very proud of you!
ReplyDelete"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon
Keep going, you are doing so great. Thinking of you, Melissa
Hope, I wish I could just give you a big hug! You are so brave being frank about your struggles. By doing this you are helping more people than you could ever imagine. Don't think too far ahead on days when you don't feel up to it-you only have to concentrate on the moment. And know that the process of getting better sometimes feels like you're being pulled back but you aren't -you're getting better! I've had a struggle with anxiety for a few years and as I am getting back into life I've been surprised by some of the 'yucky' feelings that have emerged. But, as you know, they aren't true and together we must push past them. Hope, I'll be thinking of you as I "push past" things! I"ll keep you in my prayers sweetheart!
ReplyDeleteAngie xxx xxx xxx
Hang onto that hope! Take it one day at a time and lean on those who truly love you. I know that you have the strength within you to conquer this illness! You are so courageous, not only to battle this but to share your experience with us. Wishing you all the very best from Pennsylvania, USA.
ReplyDeleteHope - I've been there, done that. Still struggle with it at the odd moments. But you CAN come out on the other side. And life is good. I'm sending you all of the positive energy I can. linda from IL
ReplyDelete'Hope,' I believe in you!!! You are writing down words that scare away most people who deny the help that the secretly know they need but won't acknowledge! You're holding yourself accountable to face your worst fears, something most people get away with not doing in their day to day lives. This is amazing and I don't want you to ever forget for even one second how much you can accomplish and how important your struggle is!! You will emerge out of this wiser and you may have bumps in the road, you may have setbacks, but the fact that you are willing to fight shows the triumph of your spirit over any 'eating disorder.' You will have to give up some 'control' in order to get yourself back, but I know you can do it! Please hang in there and keep being an inspiration to other girls/guys who need the courage to do what you're doing! You are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI've been in that dark place as well. I'm fully recovered but I am so much better off now than I was before I was hospitalized. It will get better if you want it too and if you're willing to work for it. I'll b praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHope I have never suffered from an eating disorder, but I certainly know the sting of depression. I am living THROUGH PSTD from an incident that happened during my service in Operation Desert Storm. Day to day I have struggles, or dare I say, OPPORTUNITIES to overcome. I KNOW you will find the strength to carry through, because writing a blog and sharing your life OPPORTUNITIES isn't always the easiest thing...but you're already DOING IT!
ReplyDeleteMay G-d bless you richly as you continue your healing process!
May every breath bring you courage and peace to continue your journey. Much love and support to you.
ReplyDeleteHope-
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong woman, and you WILL get through this. I'm sending so many positive vibes and hugs your way. Lots of love to lift you up and get where YOU want to be. xxoo
You are so much stronger than this. You can do this. So many others have and now so will you. Don't give up. We're all rooting for you. There is a life beyond this. Promise.
ReplyDeleteHey Hope! My name is Jonathan, and while I have never struggled with an eating disorder, I have struggled with major depression/anxiety disorder. It honestly took me about 3 years to get over it, but I did. I just say that to tell you that no matter how dark it gets, there IS hope! For instance, there were times when I truly did think, "You know, it wouldn't be so bad to die right now," even though I had (and have!) so much good life ahead of me. I wasn't suicidal, but I didn't mind the thought of leaving this world because it would end the pain I was in...if you know what I mean. Again, it took a lot of love, a lot of prayer and a lot of HELP from those around me - including my psychologist father, but I'm proud to say I got through it all...AND I KNOW YOU CAN TOO!! Just try to muster up just a little courage every day to get through the hard times...and YOU...WILL...MAKE...IT!!! You will...the human will is a powerful thing, and we get aid from places we may never think of (or may never see!) when we're truly trying to make ourselves better people. So, stay tough Hope!! I KNOW you can do it! Be strong...a lot of people will be praying for you and pulling for you and sympathizing with your struggle. The Bible tells us that we "are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses!" In other words, there are people watching you and pulling for you to be well and to live the life you imagine! You have a cheering section!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! God bless you!!
- Jonathan
I applaud you for making the decision to go with your treatment! You can do this. I know you can. We all have faith in you and wish you the very best. Move forward. Be healthy.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Connie
[you just got lovebombed!]
hang on to hope as if it were a balloon so special that you never want to let it float away.
ReplyDeletehope glitters, it is a big pretty balloon and we should tie it to our wrists so it cant escape.
keep going, i know it is a struggle, but it is a struggle you can win x
The strength of your beauty within shines through your writing. May it be your strength as you battle what lies ahead.
ReplyDeleteYou beautiful, strong woman. I'm really glad you're going to get help, and my thoughts are with you. I know it's got to be hard, but you're stronger than you know -- you can do this.
ReplyDeleteWow. What awesome realizations to have. That's so true - you need nutrients to be able to process your own demons. Good luck.
ReplyDeletePlease give yourself every chance to get better. Your life can be beautiful, but you have to let it be. You deserve to have a wonderful life. Don't be hard on yourself. It isn't easy, but you can do this. Don't give up hope, ever!
ReplyDeletePlease don't give up. Hang on, and please use the opportunity you have in Camhs. Take it from someone whos been there - it is so much better to get help now than have to use adult services. Im 21, and I have only just come through my depression. Ive been depressed since I was 14...I didnt have to be stuck in this hole for so long, i did it because I refused to accept the help from camhs. i was so comfortable in my depression that i was terrified of leaving it and having to cope with life - depression, though i hated it, was my security. I guess what Im trying to say is that there are people who can help, and I would love to see you get through this. Youre worth it.
ReplyDelete<3 bomb
Hang in there....YOU are a gift! xoxo
ReplyDeleteStay strong. I admire your courage to go back and get help for a second time, and the commitment you are making to put a strong effort towards recovery. Someone once told me, "If we love ourselves, everything in out life works." Learn to love yourself. You are beautiful and you have so much to offer this world. Again...stay strong.
ReplyDeleteHey darling. This is a long, hard journey you are about to embark on - I'm not gonna lie because I've been through it too. But, it might sound cliche, it IS worth it - every bite, every pound, every tear is worth the life that you will gain through recovery. Always remember that you are strong and beautiful!
ReplyDelete<3
Being scared is normal. Taking action is special and brave and unique. Keep the the hard work. Love, Emma
ReplyDeleteHi sweetie! Don't ever give up, take all the help you can get in all the forms that it may be given to you. Face the fear, somedays it will kick your butt and somedays you will kick it's :) Just don't ever quit you will get there!!! Love yourself and be gentle with your beautiful heart, soul and body. Sending lots of positive energy your way. YOU CAN DO THIS!!
ReplyDeletePeace and light beautiful!
Hey :) When I was younger, I also went through a very dark and scary stage. It is worth going through these next few phases, but you know that :) All I can say is, hold on to hope, and know that thouh I am a stranger, I am sending you lots and lots of love. Thinking of you
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a hug and be there for you and tell you that everything is going to be all right. But I can't. It's okay to be scared though. All of this means that things have to change and you have to face your demons - scary stuff! But you can do it. You have so many people behind you, rooting for you, caring about you. A friend once told me that when you are going through depression (or anything else really) all you can focus on is the next breath - and that's okay. Each breath is what gets you through. You're in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely beautiful. I know that you are struggling with this life-changing decision, but it is definitely the right choice. Recovery is going to be worth all the struggles you go through. I'm so terribly sorry that you are hurting and feel so alone. There are so many people around you that care about you and want to help you in any way that they can. Sharing your story shows such great strength and a wonderful sign of progress. You can do this. Whenever you start having negative/hateful thoughts about yourself, think of one great thing about yourself, or a talent that you have. This will be very hard, I'm not going to lie, but if you can do this (or even have a friend/family member do something) I believe it will greatly help you. You have so much to live for; just remember and reflect on the wonderful things around you in your life. I'm praying for you! I hope you realize what a strong, incredible girl you are!
ReplyDeleteYou can do this! Smash through that brick wall, embrace the fear and use it to your advantage. You can get through this, as millions of other young girls have. We have faith in you! Keep pouring your words out onto the page, don't bottle it up. Bravo!
ReplyDeletexx
Dear Hope,
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazingly strong woman. It is so difficult to confront our fears and truly look ourselves in the mirror and address our problems. I admire your courage and strength. Your decision to begin anew and strive towards something better, towards a dream of hope and faith, is seriously inspiring. Don't ever give up. Ever. Believe you can do it and you will. You are beautiful :)
Take the help that is given to you. Have faith and listen to the truth. The spirit within you which wants you to be healthy. You are loved.
ReplyDeleteI hope that with time you will learn to look inside and see the beauty that is there. Once you have accomplished that, you will be better able to love what you see on the outside.
ReplyDeleteYou are more courageous than you know. Remember that each journey in life is made by taking one step at a time. Sometimes you move forward; sometimes you take a step backwards. You are an intelligent young woman, smart enough to understand on an intellectual level that your lifestyle of the past must change in order to you live and grow as a person.
I think you can see here that there is a world of people who support you in your endeavor and send love your way. Draw your strength from us until you are able to stand alone - straight and tall and proud!
Hope--in our darkest moments, remember we are truly, deeply loved. There is a Presence ready to 'love us back to shore.' See yourself whole and unique. There will never be another you. Take it one hour, one day at a time. DO NOT EVER THINK IT IS NOT WORTH THE STRUGGLE! You are worth it! Tonight strangers all over the country are thinking of you and pulling for you. You are not alone.
ReplyDelete“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
ReplyDelete― Kathryn Stockett, The Help
Dearest Hope,
ReplyDeleteI can only say that I have heard many times that it gets better. Now I can say that in some ways it does. I am on my own road to recovery, some days are long and some are a blessing. Either way, I hope that what you can see from it all is that you are loved, you do matter, and you have a grand purpose. So please cope and know that somebody somewhere is sending you love and that somebody somewhere is waiting to read your words because they are going to be what inspires them to begin their own recovery.
Stay strong and God bless you.
Dear Hope, I love your honest writings. It's difficult, I know, but it shows just how courageous & bold you are in being honest & seeking to move forward.
ReplyDeleteEvery woman is created beautiful. So are you. You are precious. Never forget that.
Sending thoughts love & hope your way
Love
Gloria
Stay strong - it really does get better. I struggled with an eating disorder for 7 years. It was hard, but you can make it, and come through the other side. It will be hard, but it is worth it. You are a beautiful young woman with so many great experiences ahead of you. Thinking of you, Megan (the love bomb team)
ReplyDeleteHope, one moment, one bite at a time until you are well. A Chinese proverb says, "Even the longest journey begins with one small step." You have begun the journey to wellness, just concentrate on one step at a time. The future will take care of itself if you take care of the present and the past will fade away little by little. You are strong and beautiful, keep on hanging on to hope and Hope because you are worth the effort. Judy
ReplyDeleteSending all sorts of strengths and encouragements and hugs and well-wishes to you. All it takes is one tiny step at a time. One foot in front of the other, and you can get anywhere you want to go. You deserve nothing short of the best out of life, and you're so strong for sharing how you truly feel right now. I hope the sun shines brightly on you today and every day, bringing with it strength and motivation and peace. Keep on keepin' on, girl. You're wonderful. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful Hope... I mean it! Look at your self the way God looks at you--- beautiful, worthy, special, unique, filled with love, strong, courageous, bold, feisty,... did I say special? Yes, you... special... unique, one of kind... no one else can take your place Hope... that is why it is important to continue in your journey to wellness... wellness of body, mind, and spirit. Do you know what the Bible says? dear, it encourages us to be filled with Hope... yup, Hope... it says when we lose Hope it affects our minds- it affects our focus... so grab onto Truth each time you start to doubt yourself, and speak Truth to yourself... remind yourself you are beautiful and awesome and filled with Hope and special.. and that you do have courage and strength and that there are people who don't even know you praying for your journey to wellness... isn't that awesome?! Grab on to the gift of today... the past is gone.. today and the future are ahead of you and the days are bright and filled with Hope. Be encouraged... hug more... laugh more... smile more... yes, I know that some days are not filled with much to smile about... so many of us here probably know that... But, grabbing on to your now revealed truth of who you are and all that is possible in front of you, you are a warrior of hope and promise! Find places of comfort... peace... joy... Be with people that will encourage you and laugh with you... Laughter is medicine to the bones! Your future is bright... it is filled with Hope and Promise!
ReplyDeleteCathy B
Salut, ma cherie!
ReplyDeleteIf this is another blog about another girl, this is another-another girl--different foibles, I suppose, but holding onto hope too. And it's so desperate sometimes, isn't it? And hope is so frelling elusive that you hold onto the hope of hope with both, white-fingered hands.
But chica? The hope is worth it, and there is light and beauty and true-good things out there. I've been in the black, but the fact of the matter is that god awful things do happen--but the best and worst in life is that it goes on and the truth is being (re)made for every second of it. You are a firefly-girl, anyone can tell. You've got this spunk, and you're doing this and *fighting*. That counts for more of it than the rest of all put together.
It's sorta trite, but go lie in the sunshine for a bit. Listen to the good songs (try Lenka, Everything's Okay, the song 'M'envoyer des Fleurs', or classic rock?), sing loud, call up someone you used to know who was a good sort, get a furry creature to sit still long enough to be pet, get crazy about a crafty thing, & /or borrow some rose-colored glasses for the day.
And? Everything's okay, cherie.
Katharine
Hope i'm rooting for you, you will come through this. i know frm my experience road ur on can be dark and gloomy with self hate clouding ur judgement but u have taken a step in right direction for better. Just remember the words "This shall pass too", greatest battles are fought within the inner sanctum of our soul..u will get there
ReplyDeletewith much love
Ojash
Hang in there! Stay strong, you can do it. You can do anything if you set your mind to it. And your mind needs it's nutrients! <3
ReplyDeleteYou were born for a reason. So dont give up. You are also not alone. I and many others know how you feel. You just have to keep fighting your mind everyday. One day you will win!
ReplyDeleteYou are also God's treasured possession. He loves you so much he sent his son to die for your sins. That is something to live for! Keep strong! Much love :)
You can survive this. You will find a way through if you want to. Let people help you. That means you have to find allies, trust them and follow their suggestions even if you don't feel like it.
ReplyDeleteAnd always remember: In the end, everythig will turn out just fine. And as long as it's not fine, it's not the end.
You are going to get through this. Believe me, life is so worth it. You'll be happy one day, I promise. Stay strong! :)
ReplyDeleteIt's not just you that's scared, we're all scared by different things, trivial to some monsters to others. And we all have the monsters in our head, we all wonder where they're coming from and why they're saying the things they're saying to us. Knowing that this is part of human nature has helped me a lot with facing and accepting my fear. Don't fight those thoughts Hope, they're there and they're yours, why instead not try to understand them and see where they're coming from. It sounds like you love life and you do want to see yourself getting better. Focus on the things you love and know that fear is like the shadow, the closer we get to it, the smaller it gets.
ReplyDeletePeople who don't even know you care about you. We're cheering you on and sending good vibes your way. You can find the strength to work through treatment!
ReplyDeleteProud of you for making a decision, despite your fear, to do push through and get better! The world needs you so don't give up! xx
ReplyDeleteStay strong beautiful :) I know its going to be hard and gaining weights scary but you can do this and it will make you better x keep going and NEVER give up routing for you xx
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. Never give up. We are all behind you and will support you every single step of the way. You CAN do this! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeletePraying for you, love <3 Chin up! xx Don't let the lies that the world plants in all of our heads take control, kick them right out and don't give in to them, for you are so much stronger- it just takes time to grow...it is a process, but you wil get there- you have the courage, which your decisions are evidence of.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person. Don't give up on your self. Stay strong gorgeous!! ;)
ReplyDeleteYou can do it and you know it! So many people believe in you and know you are strong enough to overcome this disorder and whatever life throws at you. Stay strong and push on and I guarantee you will find the light at the end of this tunnel :)
ReplyDeleteHugs
Jess
My dear you are simply gorgeous both inside and out. You can do what ever you put your mind to and if you are set to recover you will... with flying colors.
ReplyDeleteBe strong, be honest, accept the help you want and need. You got this! take care of you!
ReplyDeleteDon't give up! Every day that you believe in yourself, you are one step closer to overcoming this. Some days will be better than others, but remember this: there are so many people in your life that love you more than anything and want the best for you and are cheering you on every step of the way! You are such an inspiration to so many others going through similar situations. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteI think you're brave as hell for admitting that you need help and it sounds like you are willing to do the work this time to really learn and heal. I wish you the best. Draw on your strength and give it your best shot. It's so worth it. You are worth it!
ReplyDeleteDear Hope,
ReplyDeleteI know what it's like to have those voices in your head - saying you're never thin enough, pretty enough, good enough, smart enough - you name it. To have to constantly try to contradict them with logic, even though it doesn't work most of the time. I know what you are facing Hope, and I know that it's hard. So hard. But Hope, it will get better. You are beautiful and strong and radiant and loved - you are perfect, and one day you will see that. Until then, keep talking about it, keep letting people help you.
Sending you so much love,
Hannah
Hope,
ReplyDeleteI'm inspired by your stregth in your acceptance and acknowlegdement that you must do these hard things, and your courage in the face of your deepest fears. Nourish your beautiful soul so that you can fulfill the amazing life ahead of you. Keep going and know that you are so loved. You are stronger than all of this. I am so proud of you.
<3
This is where I went when I was 18. It was the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done, but after 4 years of recovery and a life I could have never dreamed of when I was in your shoes, it was the best decision of my life and literally saved my life. It is still difficult for me sometimes and old behaviors pop up every now and again, but using the tools I learned at Mirasol, I am able to manage those behaviors and return to a healthy life of love. I wish the same for you...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.mirasol.net/
Stay strong. You can do this! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteYou are SO much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for! <3
ReplyDeleteHey there Hope,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to send some love your way and let you know how beautiful and strong you are. One of my best friends has Anorexia, so although I don't know first hand what it's like to live with, I do know that it's an unbelievably hard challenge but one that you are undoubtedly strong enough to conquer. You're not alone.
Love,
Robin
:)
Hope,
ReplyDeleteI am here to send you love and support. Please know you are not alone, and with support and love, you will get through this. There will be people who will believe in you until you believe in yourself. It has been years since I started my path in recovery, and I am still very much on that path. One thing that has helped me all of these years is the serenity pray, and it goes like this:
God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
At first, I used to say it because that is what I was told to do. Then, I said it because I thought it was the right thing to do. Now, I say it because it reminds me to Let Go and Let God.
Recovery is about taking life one day at a time. I believe in you.
In Love and Light,
Maria
Hang in there luv you will make it through this and comer out healthy happy and able to worry about more than weight. There is so much life has to offer and getting this out of the way roll allow you to enjoy it. We all have faith in you!
ReplyDeleteHope,
ReplyDeleteI am really happy for your decision to accept help. I happen to hane a niece who is suffering from bulimia and she is going through a very tough time and is yet denying her problem. It is great that you accept you need help. Remember you are not alone. There are lots of people whocare willing to help you even though I live far away, ivwill pray forvyou every day so God will give you the strength you will need to get better.
Receive lots of love from Mezico City.
Cova
Each step forward is a step. You've proven that you are strong. Just keep looking and moving forward. You are loved!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! You have so much strength and courage! Don't ever forget about all the people here who are rooting for you! Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Stay strong. You are NOT alone.
ReplyDeleteBaby steps, Hope. Just keeping looking forward. When you think you can't, gather the strength from all us that are sending you love and support and believe in you. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteSo many people are cheering for you! I've heard it said that nothing worth doing is easy. This recovery will be difficult for you, but it will be so worth it for you to be healthy and have learned to have a healthier mindset. Sending love your way!
ReplyDeleteHope, I may not know you, but by reading your blog I can see that you have a strong heart. Things may be incredibly difficult right now but strong heart can make it through anything. I know what its like to be in your shoes and I know how terrifying it is, but I also know how worth it it is to persevere and conquer this illness. We are all sending you endless strength and love! You got this <3
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say that I'm really happy you've made the decision to really, honestly try to recover this time around. I struggled with an addiction during most of my teen years, and I know exactly how hard that choice can be. It's like the illness is so horrible that you'd do just about anything to escape it... anything but face the reasons why you're sick in the first place, because those reasons are so much worse than the illness itself. At least, that's what the demons would have you believe. And it makes it really hard to really face stuff and work through it all. But making the choice to face that stuff anyways, despite the difficulty in doing so... making the choice to get better and embrace life... it's a really powerful choice if you cling to it. That choice is a key part of actually getting better. It's not going to get you recovered by itself, but it'll help motivate you and give you the courage to do what you need to in order to recover. So, I'm really glad to hear that you've made that choice, and I pray you'll stick with it. The issues you're working through are really hard to face, but it *is* possible to recover and life out the rest of your life healthy and happy. So don't give up. You deserve to be whole and I have every confidence that you will get there one day, no matter how long that journey takes.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up <3
Love love love what more is there? We need the good light of love in here. I have my own demons, but the one thing that keeps me going is the love. So I am sending you much positive energy and love.
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave and strong. Know that there are so many people who love you just as you are, and they will all be there to help you on this journey. You will get through it! Sending lots of love and prayers your way!
ReplyDeleteGood luck in your journey to recovery. You sound as if you have the strength and wisdom it takes to take the next steps forward no matter how scary they are. I believe in you and wish you all the best. You are so brave. Much love xxx
ReplyDeleteAccepting help is a great big step in the right direction. It sounds HOPE-ful to me. Best of luck in your healing journey. I have no doubt you will find your way and manage your health. Lots of love from NYC.
ReplyDeleteYou've got this, believe it. Big hugs to you!
ReplyDeletedear hope, i am so sorry you are going through so so much right now. you are definitely brave and definitely not alone. please stay. the world needs awesomeness. you can get through this. remember to breathe. and hang on. so much love from malaysia, gen xo
ReplyDeleteoops gen again. i forgot to add this : when i was dealing with similar stuff and talking to a therapist about the intense the self-hatred, the depression and fear and anxiety and hopelesness she said, "you know, these are feelings. these are thoughts. they are not you. they do not define you or your worth. they are temporary. just you see". i thought she was so+++ full of it. turns out she was right. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteHope, you are beautiful, and I know it's easy to forget sometimes, but what you must remember is that somewhere in the world there is a person who is looking for you, and only you, and they will love you just simply because you are the way you are, and if you don't stay true to yourself, how will they ever find you? Keep up the recovery lovely, and one day it will be so worth it I promise xxx good luck, lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteHope, you are beautiful, and I know it's easy to forget sometimes, but what you must remember is that somewhere in the world there is a person who is looking for you, and only you, and they will love you just simply because you are the way you are, and if you don't stay true to yourself, how will they ever find you? Keep up the recovery lovely, and one day it will be so worth it I promise xxx good luck, lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things about life that are shit and scarey and that make us feel shit scared. Every time we rally courage and face it we get stronger, happier and freer. The scarier it is the more there is to be gained....you must have some awesome stuff coming your way!
ReplyDeleteTake all of the love that is coming your way and internalize it as your own. We're all with you.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger and more beautiful than you know. Something that helps me sometimes is trying to treat myself like I was another person. If I wouldn't say something to another than I shouldn't be saying it to myself. Sending you support and hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou're truly not alone- even though I don't know you personally, I promise to send my thoughts and support (never judgement) your way. I won't forget.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of people thinking of you and sending positive thoughts. Me included. Know that you are loved.
ReplyDelete"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all." ~Emily Dickinson.
ReplyDeleteKeep strong, hang on, and don't give up. You are more loved than you could ever know, and you are so beautiful and brave. I am praying for you<3 You are so, SO loved.
"The higher you build your barriers, the taller I become...there's something inside so strong, I know that I can make it."
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love.
Your strength comes from within, remember you are strong and beautiful young woman.
<3
xxxxxxxxx
You can do this.
ReplyDeleteAlways remember that you are here for a reason. You are needed in this world to share your beauty not only on the outside but from within.
ReplyDeleteSpend time withe people who bring joy in your life and do the things you love.
Love yourself. When times get rough, spend some time in nature....you will find yourself. The world can't wait to see you shine :)
Hang on Hope - you will make it through this!
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you!!! Never Loose hope
ReplyDeleteLife hurts. For me it hurts right now. For you it may hurt right now too. Just know that you matter to me right now. :) smile!
ReplyDeleteYou are more than your weight, more than a number on some scale. You are more than the lies your depression and your eating disorder are feeding you. Remember that you have value and worth, because you are human and because you were made to be a child of God. I don't know what you believe about God, but the point is, you deserve to take care of yourself. Body, mind, and spirit. Much love <3
ReplyDeleteI've had depression and a personality disorder for several years now, and I know that dealing with the demons in one's head is hard scary work. You can do it, just take it one day at a time.
ReplyDelete