Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Hanging on by a thread..swinging back and forth
Sometimes I really don't know what the hell my head is saying to me. It's confusing and very contradicting at times. I still have that little teeny bit of hope in there somewhere - I know it's there, it has to be - even if I cant always feel it, I have faith that it is there. Otherwise I wouldn't have made the decision I have made - I've been referred back to Camhs as I really haven't been coping well (not my decision) things have not been good for some time now, and I've spent a lot of these past few days thinking about where my life will end up, how long I have to go etc, and I guess I've made the decision in my head - no matter how hard and distressing it may be - I am actually going to accept the help I get from Camhs, unlike before I was constantly lying and throwing it back in their faces - too engrossed in my illness to even acknowledge the meer thought of getting better, because this time, this is my last chance.. yeah there's still adult services which if things aren't any better by the time i'm 18 I will end up there, but camhs has so much more help available to me than adult services. and yeah I'm scared, I'm going to actually have to address the things that happened to me, the demons in my head, if i actually am to ever get better, and the biggie - If I am to really properly really reaaallly recover I'm going to have to face my biggest fear (every eating disorder patient's worse fear) of actually gaining weight. Yeah, I know, I cant do all this psychological work/therapy if my body/brain doesn't have the nutrition it needs to function, and I know I need help - these thoughts and things that go through my head I need help to overcome them, but I actually need to put in the effort and stick to my side of the bargain. But I'm being seriously honest here when I say I am shit scared - who isn't?