Monday, 30 April 2012
I wish my head would stop.
If only there were such a thing as an off button for my head. Even just for a few hours, to have peace from this war that continues to rage on inside my head. It's tiresome, draining, and it's taking a hell of a lot of fighting to keep going.
For so long I have obeyed the rules of my eating disorder, I have allowed it to be in control, I have lived by its rules and followed its commands, I have pushed myself and punished myself beyond means. I've never really properly fought back. Until now. I don't think it's ever heard me scream back, which is what I am doing right now. It's proving to be very difficult though, it's like as soon as I scream back, it screams louder, tempting me with it's promises of happiness and perfection, teasing me with it's taunts;
'fat, disgusting, failure, no one's gona want you now, I can make you happy, why are you eating so much? you are only going to get fatter, then what will you do? you'll never be thin at this rate, then all your friends will abandon you because they dont want to hang with the fat girl, you look like an elephant, everyone's laughing at you, you cant do anything right, no wonder you were bullied you fatty!' Ignore them, I can make you happy, I'll make you pretty then people will like you, come on, put that biscuit down its only going to add another lb, I'm never going to let you defy me!'
For the past god knows how many years I've always given into that voice, hoping that maybe 'this time I'll get thin enough so I'll be happy' but that never happened, and thats what I'm trying to keep in mind just now as I'm trying with all my heart and soul to keep fighting against this parasite that is my eatinng disorder. It never made me happy before, regardless of how low my weight got I was never thin enough, I still felt fat and horrible. Even now at my weight and BMI I'm at I cant do anything, I have no energy, simply walking up the stairs makes me want to collapse into bed, I'm so deeply unhappy, I'm not sleeping, I'm a mess, I still see a big fat ugly girl when I look in the mirror. I dont want this life, I need to keep reminding myself of this, because right now I feel like absolute shit, my head is sprouting me all these taunts and I just feel so bleugh, this is always when I end up giving in, end up saying I cant do this anymore and falling back into my eating disorder, but NO, NOT THIS TIME. Oh no, shout all you want, scream all you want, I am one determined little soul and I will NOT GIVE UP. I'm feeling awful, but that doesnt mean I'm giving up!!! I'm trying to distract myself and surround myself with positiveness as much as possible, so if I start to retreat back into my shell please feel free to kick me up the bum, I need as much support as possible right now as this when I'm weakest to my eating disorder and it knows that.