why oh why do you continue to torture me?

Right now my head feels like a whirwind of thoughts,plans, ideas,evil, i do not know what to say or what to think, for this being within me is trying with all its might to grab me back into the hell i lived in for so long. starvation. I am trying I promise, Im trying so so hard to push myself through the pain and continue doing what i know i must do - eat, but with this loud ravaging thing in my head it is made 100x harder. I have been really really pushing myself lately because i DO want to recover, i really do, but at the same time the idea of weight gain scares the living hell out of me, but it is what i must  do if i truely want to beat this illness. so as i sit here munching on my second bowl of cereal this morning, i promise myself i will NOT give in to anorexia's demands, i WILL continue on my fight for recovery. There's a better life out there somewhere for me, I know it, I just first have to find it.