Okay, I've had a shit few days, a really shit few days in fact, and I've realised I can't keep bottling everything up the way I do, because it eventually explodes and turns into a horrible mass of emotions and a depressve state like it has this week. So here I am, about to write a very depressing and most likey confusing/not making much sense blog, because what else can I do? I don't want people to worry about me, I just need to get this out.
I hate myself, that's pretty much the brunt of it all to be honest. I hate the way I look, I hate my body, with all it's fat and blobbyness, I hate the person I am in my head, I wish I wasn't so jealous and paranoid that everyone good I have in my life is going to leave me, because ive had so much of this happen in the past, I instantly expect those i love to walk out of my life the way they have in the past. So I end up(unintentionally) pushing them all out, especially my friends, because i have literally no self esteem what so ever, so when they have other friends I automatically assume they will leave me and forget about me because im nothing compared to any other friend they could have, i have no qualities, i dont even understand why people like me in the first place? I hate how much i hate my job, but i feel like there is no escape - if i leave i have no money, no job, nothing to do, so then i end up being all depressed again, but if i stay i become even more unhappy - what the hell do i do? I amn't enjoying life anymore, its such a stress, such a fight to get through each day, and the thing is ive stopped talking to people about how i really feel.. i have so much going on in my head and i just keep it all in. I'm noticing more and more signs of a 'depressive episode' and thats what i get, my depression comes in bouts, i get really really strong bouts of it, and im trying with all my might to fight against it, because i know inside im a lot stronger, but as well im pushing with all my soul to beat this horrible anorexia, and the two of them go hand in hand, they seem to be teaming up against me, desperate to quash my attemps at a 'life' I dont want to give in to them, i really dont, but i feel like i have no one to turn to anymore and im losing my strength day by day. Im a LOT further on with beating my anorexia, I know im going to beat this, i want to, i want to be healthy and get well again, but at the same time the depressiveness is dragging all my energy, motivation and will power out of me. I am beating it, im eating so much better than before, bt i just feel so low, so unhappy, so hopeless, so unmotivated to do anything anymore.
so there you have, depressive little me. :(