little girl lost

hello there beautiful people,

I had a bad night last night, and now when i think of it i know how stupid it sounds,I basically struggle in friendships because i've been hurt so much in the past and find it hard to get close to people because whenever i have in the past they have always ended up leavng me, so this ends in me getting paranoid that my friends will either die, or find a better friend than me, and yeah i just got really upset because i always see myself as being second best to my beautiful best friends other good friends, this is no fault of my friend, its just me having such a dim view of myself and struggling to see why anyone would want to be friends with me. Now i fear I've pushed her away, i hate myself so much for it but I just amn't used to people actually liking me, and i love her to pieces, i would do anything for this girl, she makes my life worth living, makes this battle worth fighting, if you're reading this Jo im sorry, i love you so much and i always will.

I guess theres a lot going through my head right now, a lot of it not very nice things, and i have felt for a good while that my depression is trying to rear its ugly head again, its been since my other best friend died in april, i feel ive lost all sense of life, i feel so lonely and scared, i dont know who i am, i feel as though im simply just going through the motions, like im living simply to get through another day if that makes sense? I feel so sad all the time, and I have so much grief and pain in my heart for Kianna that i feel I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore, i put on a fake smile to please those around me, because i hate to cause people worry and stress, and i dont open up anymore because i get so upset and cant control myself. It's like im trying to ignore everything and i really shouldnt and now its all getting on top of me, im in a job that i hate, i have nothing to look forward to, i guess im begining to feel rather lost...

sorry for ranting,
love xxxx