fighting for my future...

Hello there, me again..

So, as I said before I am trying SO hard to fight, i really am, because right now the urges to restrict and over excersise are everywhere, all around me, there is soo much temptation - especially this time of year, and I guess in my mind im struggling to keep doing the opposite of what the thing in my head is telling me to do.

I feel like im starting to gain weight and yeah I know thats what i need to do, its not what i WANT though, but i do want to get better, its so conflicting, because i know in my heart that when my body is more healthy my mind will catch up(hopefully) and my thinking will straighten itself out. its just sometimes SOO hard because my thoughts are still so 'anorexic' and yet i'm forcing myself (literally) to do the one thing im bloody petrified of in the hope that my thinking will change when i get to a healthy weight and maintain that, but im scared - what if i do all this and my thinking doesnt change, and i have to cope with these horrific thoughts all my life? i cant even bare to imagine having to live with this forever... what sort of life is that?

I've been told many times that I may not be able to naturally have children when im older because of the damage this illness has done to me, and that my bones are too weak and might not repair themselvs, have i already signed myself up to a life of this living hell? and obviously the odds can be beaten,  but what if I'm left with the conseqences of this all my life? It's making me think a lot, because im 18 this year, my body will stop growing, time is running out and im scared, what if im too late? whats if its too late to repair the damage? I'm determined to prove them all wrong, and stay on the right path, because now my future is in my hands... and i do want one. theres so much i want to do with my life, so regardless of how fucking hard and horrible it may feel right now, I know the only option is to soldier on, and soldider on I shall do!

love & hugs
Hope xxx