Sunday, 1 January 2012

Attack of the pro - ana's...

So i'm sitting here in my room alone, casually chilling on twitter, and BOOM... a lovely little bit of temptation jumps out at me, its a pro ana twitter group. I know i shouldn't look, i need to press the little 'x' in the corner, but something, that little thing in my head, pushes me to look... now usually I would but when i do these kinds of things it causes MAJOR freakouts, yeah even though im trying to recover its the little things like that that trigger me, so i sensibly log out, and come find a more positive way to express! Ever since I've been ill, that competetive, jealous side of the illness has been a massive distraction for me, Ive attemped recovery so many times in the past but always given in to the demands of temptation, whether it be pro ana websites or simply bumping into someone who looked thinner than me, i would freak out and boom it was bye bye recovery hello anorexia.... I am SO determined not to lose my momentum for recovery this time, this time its different, this time i have something to live for, i can look at those girls who are thinner than me and yeah feel a ping of jealousy and guilt but more so feel sorry for them, for they must be in so much pain, so tired, so worn out, so god damn hungry, and yeah it makes them thin but I know, I know they aren't truely happy, the illness is destorying them from the inside, and when i look at these people now, this is what i must remember. Remember the pain, the fear, the lonlieness, the hunger... it's NOT worth it..