Tuesday, 17 January 2012

hello, me again...

well hello there big wide world.

its been a few days since i posted so i thought its about time to rant again, well it wont be as much of a rant this time because im a bit more positive than the other day...
Not much has been happening to be honest, been out with a couple of friends which is always nice :) and got myself a wee manicure today so that cheered me up! I dont ever want to take the nail polish off its so pretttyy. I would have bought it but it was £11 and I might sound tight but SERIOUSLY?! WHO EVEN PAYS THAT FOR NAIL POLISH? so yeahh i opted out of that one, for obvious reasons.

Eating wise, its hard, its really hard in fact but I'm pushing myself further than I ever thought possible, like I'm eating an amount that I would class as 'bad' well not me but the eating disorder, and yeah it freaks me out a little but I know in my heart it's what i have to do if im to get better for real. And I'm starting to realise, maybe food isn't so bad after all, oh especially chocolate, I've developed an undying love for chocolate, wow never thought i'd see myself say that, but i did so HA IM WINNING BITCH. thats right, I am fighting the evil in my head, im fighting with all my heart and soul, and I aint giving up until I've won this fight for good. Some days are harder than others but i guess I've learnt to take it one day at a time, and im trying to enjoy food now when do i eat, where as before it's always been something I've feared, something that was like a chore...but boy what have i been missing? caaakeee! I do get horrible thoughts after eating but i guess that comes hand in hand with recovery huh? i never thought it was gona be easy, and it bloody well aint, but I'm actually doing it.

And major achievement on my part here, I've put my 'devil' jeans (size double zero) in a bag for my best friend to destroy, and went and bought some normal sized jeans, go mee! they may be a tad on the big side but it's my goal to actually fit them as soon as possible! Thats one thing I wont miss about being so underweight, the whole going shopping but not being able to find clothes to fit! It will be nice to be able to go into shops like miss selfridge, or river island and be able to fit the clothes!

So when things are tough, or im doubting whether i want to recover, I have to remind myself of these things! but yeah thats pretty much it in the land of mee, so I guess I shall weesht for just now..

love & hugs,

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