I wish my head would stop.

If only there were such a thing as an off button for my head. Even just for a few hours, to have peace from this war that continues to rage on inside my head. It's tiresome, draining, and it's taking a hell of a lot of fighting to keep going.

For so long I have obeyed the rules of my eating disorder, I have allowed it to be in control, I have lived by its rules and followed its commands, I have pushed myself and punished myself beyond means. I've never really properly fought back. Until now. I don't think it's ever heard me scream back, which is what I am doing right now. It's proving to be very difficult though, it's like as soon as I scream back, it screams louder, tempting me with it's promises of happiness and perfection, teasing me with it's taunts;

'fat, disgusting, failure, no one's gona want you now, I can make you happy, why are you eating so much? you are only going to get fatter, then what will you do? you'll never be thin at this rate, then all your friends will abandon you because they dont want to hang with the fat girl, you look like an elephant, everyone's laughing at you, you cant do anything right, no wonder you were bullied you fatty!' Ignore them, I can make you happy, I'll make you pretty then people will like you, come on, put that biscuit down its only going to add another lb, I'm never going to let you defy me!'

For the past god knows how many years I've always given into that voice, hoping that maybe 'this time I'll get thin enough so I'll be happy' but that never happened, and thats what I'm trying to keep in mind just now as I'm trying with all my heart and soul to keep fighting against this parasite that is my eatinng disorder. It never made me happy before, regardless of how low my weight got I was never thin enough, I still felt fat and horrible. Even now at my weight and BMI I'm at I cant do anything, I have no energy, simply walking up the stairs makes me want to collapse into bed, I'm so deeply unhappy, I'm not sleeping, I'm a mess, I still see a big fat ugly girl when I look in the mirror. I dont want this life, I need to keep reminding myself of this, because right now I feel like absolute shit, my head is sprouting me all these taunts and I just feel so bleugh, this is always when I end up giving in, end up saying I cant do this anymore and falling back into my eating disorder, but NO, NOT THIS TIME. Oh no, shout all you want, scream all you want, I am one determined little soul and I will NOT GIVE UP. I'm feeling awful, but that doesnt mean I'm giving up!!! I'm trying to distract myself and surround myself with positiveness as much as possible, so if I start to retreat back into my shell please feel free to kick me up the bum, I need as much support as possible right now as this when I'm weakest to my eating disorder and it knows that.

baby steps, one foot after the other..

I don't even think I can put into words how hard I'm trying right now, I'm kinda suprised at myself actually, but in a good way. I'm following my meal plan completly, knowing that yes it is a weight gain meal plan so yes I am going to gain weight, I think I've kind of like regardless of shit I feel about myself and my body I've accepted that well I NEED to gain weight, where as before I was always like oh yeah I'm totally gona get better but not gain any weight - pfft who was I even kidding? You cant recover from anorexia without gaining weight, and I want to recover so badly, I am sick absolutely sick fed up of living like this, and so yeah I am following my meal plan (even right up to the drinking MILK instead of diet coke, Jo would be so proud!) knowing that my weight is gona go up. It's not easy to fight this, these thoughts, my head, are screaming at me like crazy, but I'm actually screaming back for once.

 I was sitting in my room feeling a bit rubbish this morning after having my breakfast, my head was screaming telling me how disgusting I am and that nobody's gona want me now, and I was thinking about just how bad I've actually got and how much of a mess I've managed to get myself into, all because of this horrible illness, how much I'm missing out on, and I just got soo angry at myself and at my illness for doing this to me, I punched my wall, like really hard, it hurt! I jumped up out of my little pit of feeling shit(haha that rhymes) and punched my wall next to my mirror. It felt good, I but it hurt.
I looked at myself and all I could think was 'is this really what I've become?' For a moment I looked at myself and I didnt recognise myself. I amn't Rachael, I'm just a hollow beaten existence. My hair is thinner, my lips are chapped and dry, my eyes are heavy and dark, my skin is dry and pale, my pj's were hanging off me, I just look horrible. I still dont see myself as thin, but what I did see was that in that mirror, it wasnt me. The girl staring back looked sad, weak, and tired, and I dont want to be that. I want to be the Rachael that's hyper and happy and driving people crazy with my madness, I want to be the Rachael that's out with her friends laughing and joking, not this 'thing' I have become.

Well this is the last time, this is the last straw for me, I dont want this anymore, I dont want to be the sad, tired, weak girl for the rest of my life. I want Rachael back. I want my long shiny hair, and glowing skin, and my clothes to fit me. I look like a half dead child. How on earth is that 'beautiful'? I know how hard this is gona be, tis gona be one hell of a fight, but for once I'm actually screaming back at anorexia (maybe not very loudly yet) but I'm sure as hell gona get louder as I get healthier. I am going to keep following my meal plan, I am going to put my trust in those around me who I know want the best for me, until I'm well enough to see for myself  and trust myself to keep going, but until then I know I'm gona need a bit of shove and a push, but that's okay, right? I'm going to get myself well enough to be able to participate in therapy which starts in august, which is gona help me deal with my issues once and for all. I AM going to get better, baby steps, one foot after the other, I can do this.

So anorexia can take that and shove it where the sun dont shine.


xxx

fighting on, no matter what..

Other people can support&encourage me but I'm the one who has to do the hard work..

The more I think about a future without anorexia, the more I want it!

People keep telling me that I CAN beat this, and so beat it I WILL

positive meeting at CAMHS..

well today I had a meeting at CAMHS (child adolescent mental health service) with my psychiatrist and a CPN(community psychiatric nurse) and we discussed what the plan is gona be to help me get back on track, it was a really positive session in all. I got weighed which always causes me a lot of distress so I decided not to look, I'm going to try blind weigh-ins as I'm totally obsessed with numbers and its not helpful for me, I figured if I'm really going to get better I need to challenge these things and perhaps its a good thing not knowing because then I cant get so freaked out that I end up losing all the weight, so we shall see how that goes. I'm going to be seeing my psych once a month to get weighed and have a catch up, and see a cpn called Belinda weekly/fornightly for the next four months until I'm 18. Then I'll be going to the cullen centre which is an eating disorder service for over 18s, where I'll be doing DBT and CBT with a therapist who I met a few weeks ago(he seems lovely). The focus until then is really going to be to get my weight up to within a healthy range, get me back to work and going out with friends, working on ways to keep myself safe and well, so that when it comes to august when I start cullen I'll be well enough to actually do the therapy, and we're also hoping that as I start to nourish my body&brain my mood will improve, anti depressants will start to work, and hopefully I shall start getting some sleep, so yeah all in all I'm feeling positive about it. Obviously I'm really scared about the weight gain, but I've come to accept the fact that I cant recover without gaining weight, regardless of shit it may make me feel at first, I have to gain weight if I'm to get my life back and actually start living, but as I'm gona be doing blind weigh-ins I'm not going to know my weight which I think will really help. anyway I'm rambling now but just thought I'd update you lovely people on my positive day! :)
lots of love,
Hope xx

feel the fear and do it anyway..

I so desperately want to be okay, but I am not

I want to be okay. I want to be better. I want to be free, and happy, I want to say I'm doing great, that everything is rosy and I'm not hurting. But I'm not okay, I'm not better, I am hurting, I am hurting so much in fact. I don't know what to say, I am following my meal plan, I am trying, but everything is horrible, these thoughts, voices, in my head, telling me I'm fat, I'm horrible; disgusting; that I'd be better of dead, they're taking over every waking moment. You see, when I'm not eating, when I'm starving, it blocks out all these horrible thoughts and emotions, so I dont have to feel them, all I feel is the pain from starving; the hunger, the intense stomach pain; the racing heart. But I am starting to eat again, little bits at a time, slowly but surely, but now that means I'm faced with all these horrible thoughts, emotions, memories, that I've tried so hard for so long to block out. I dont like it one bit, my thoughts they are racing, the paranoia is intense ; nobody wants you, nobody really likes you; they're all secretly plotting against you; theyre distancing themselves because they dont want you around; they dont want you here; everyone is staring at you because you're so fat and ugly; theyre all laughing; they all want you gone, out of their lives, you're useless, a horrible friend, go on, die, no one wants you. It's all spinning around me so fast, I feel as though I'm on one of those things in a playground that spin round and round and round really fast until you scream for it stop so you can get off to be sick, but I cant get off, I want off, I want it all to stop, because I cant handle these things that are going through my head. The flashbacks from school, they zip through my head like a film reel, one after the other, but its not just these, the eating disorder;the voice in my head; its tearing me to shreds ripping me apart, because I'm eating, I shouldnt be eating, I dont deserve it, I'm going to become obese, everyone is just trying to make me fat ; I try to block it out, tell it to shut the fuck up, but its all so loud so fast, I have so much going through my head and I dont know what to do with it, because for so long I have punished myself, starved myself, exersised to the point of passing out, all to block it out, and now I'm not starving, the urges to self harm are intense, like knives being thrown at me, I need something, I need to feel something other than this pain, I need to block out what's in my head, but no, I cant self harm, I stopped for 2 years, everyone was so proud, my scars are clearing up, I can wear short sleeves, I try to ration with myself, come on Rachael dont do it, but the urges are strong, I need something, I need this to stop. I cant control it, I dont like it, I'm losing my grip, I need this to stop.

I just want to be me...

I'm scared, I'm scared that I've pushed my friends away, that my illness has driven them away from me, I fear they no longer want me or need me, who would want to be friends with the ill girl? This is the way it goes every time, I get really sick again, end up on bed rest or worse still - in hospital, they move on, so many of them have moved/are moving away from this life, this illness, they dont want to be reminded of it, they want me to be well - but I am not, they cant stand to be around me while I'm like this, which I understand, but I've already lost so many friends because of this, and well I dont want to be alone when I come out of the other side - which i AM going to, I just fear that they cant wait any longer, there's only so much they can do or say, they're fed up of me - my illness, I'm not the girl they once knew, I'm nothing but a hollow, tired, shell - who wants that as a friend? I offer no qualities to them, I'm quiet, withdrawn, I dont laugh anymore, I'm lost, and theres only so much they can do..

I sit in my room, reading/hearing of their adventures, the sleepovers, days out, going off to uni, dance classes, holidays, and all I want is to be a part of that, I want to be out there with them, I'm so lonely here trapped in ana's clutches once again. I'm bored, alone, and I'm scared I've pushed them away for good. They cant trust me when I say I've eaten, after all the lies, the excuses - who would trust me? Most of them have been through it themselvs, they know the way it goes, they know and understand the place I'm in, many have been worse than what I am in fact, I just dont know what to do. What if they are moving on without me? Why should they wait? But this isnt the way I wanted it to be, I dont want this anymore, I want to be moving with them, not sitting here left behind, as always. I'm trying to get better, I really am, I'm fighting again, fighting back against the evil in my head, each mouthful gets a torrent of abuse, but unlike before - I force it down, i carry on, I think of my friends and how badly I miss them, how badly I dont want to lose them, and before I know it - thats another meal done. I pat myself on the back, for this is a good thing I'm doing, its whats I need to do. I am so so desperate to get the old Rachael back, the one my friends and family love, the girl with the great big smile who laughs at anything, the girl who's a proper shopaholic and needs to be dragged out of shops, the girl without anorexia. Thats the girl I want to be, I want to be Rachael.

Thinking of all this, I picture my illness as an evil dictator, pushing me, commanding me, dragging me down, pushing my friends out, alienating me, trying to mould me into something it wants - which in reality isnt even possible - no matter how sick I get It's never enough, theres always another few pounds to lose, always an extra lump of fat to burn off, why am I doing this? Its been 7 years, and not once has it made me happy. All it has done is to land me in hospital countless times, lose me many friends, stole away my teenage years, and to be honest the times when I've been most ill have been the times I've been most unhappy... so what continues to drag me into this? This evil dictator in my head. But this is my life, my body, my friends I'm on the verge of losing - why should I allow an illness to own me, to rule my life, to make my choices? For the first time ever since I've been ill, I'm beginning to recognize anorexia as not a friend, but an enemy, and evil, I am angry at it, angry at myself for continuing to obey it. A friend is someone who comes running to your rescue late at night when you've messed up bad, saves your life, holds your hand and hugs you tight while you're rushed to hospital but still loves you, a true friend is someone who goes to all the effort of making you up meal plans because well camhs arent all that great at doing that, a true friend is someone who goes round lots of your friends and gets messages of support to make into a collage to show you how loved you are, a true friend is someone who laughs with you; cries with you, a friend isnt someone who abuses you, hurts you.

So if you're reading this, I love you, please dont leave me just yet, I need you guys, I promise I'm getting better, I promise I'm going to make you proud. I'm sorry for the lies, for the pain, the anger, for having to put up with my illness, but please dont leave me, Rachael's coming back. She's coming back. For good this time. I know you've heard it before, and I know there will be doubt, but I know Its gona work out. The girl you loved, the one you went out for cake with, the one who you walked into your kitchen to find rolling round the floor with your cat even though shes allergic, that girl shes still in there, and I'm digging deep to drag her back out. I'm so lucky to have friends like you, and even if you do leave I will understand, I've pushed you so much, but I love you, all of you.

Hope
xxx

another step forwards or more steps backwards?

I did it. I binned my light/low calorie  "safe" foods. The weight watchers biscuits, the 10 calorie jelly, the extra light cheese spread, the lot. I binned them. They were like a kind of safety blanket - but in a bad way, I was eating, but living on 70 calorie biscuts and 10 calorie jelly - I figured it was unhelpful if im really going to properly recover to have them there, so I took a big (very scary) step and binned the lot. That way I cant be tempted.

She isnt happy though, this voice in my head, oh no, I'm now a big fat obese lazy disgusting failure who is going to die of fatness. The vile taunts are getting louder, because I fought back, like properly fought back for the first time in years, and she doesnt like it. But I dont like the abuse I'm getting now, sitting here in tears because I'm scared normal food will make me fat - what am I doing? what have I done? No, stop it, I will NOT go into asda and buy more, thats not gona make anything better is it? Listening to her has only landed me on bed rest while my friends are out having fun, too weak and tired to do anything, NO I wont give in to her.

andddd breathe, god this is hard....the hardest thing I've ever done. My head hurts, I hurt, she hurts.

pros & cons.

I decided to make a list of the pros and cons of giving into my illness, and safe to say I was shocked at the amount of cons I came up with, so I decided I'd share it with you guys in the hope that you may be able to help me come up with more. It oftens helps me to see these things written down, like having evidence against what the voice in my head is telling me, because right now, this is one loud voice

so...

Pros & cons to letting anorexia win.

pros:

I will be thin.

cons:

I'll be miserable, tired and hungry all the time.

Most likely end up in hospital

Be up at royal edinburgh all my life

Not be able to go to uni and become a nurse

Wont be well enough to go out with friends

too unwell to go on holidays

wont get married as I'll spend all my time in and out of hospitals

not be able to have my own kids

I'll end up pushing away all my friends

I'll have to watch my friends go on and make something of their lives while I'm stuck at home on bed rest too ill to leave the house, they'll move on without me

My family will be constantly having a go at me trying to make me eat

I'll be in constant pain, have no energy and feel weak and dizzy all the time

I will die young

wont be able to be a part of Minding Me

Will never be able to enjoy food

Wont get boobs

wont be able to go shopping and will forever live in childrens clothes

Everyone around me will be constantly worried about me

My life will revolve around lying, exercising, hospital appointments and starving.

Now thats a lot, right?!

remembering my best friend, one year on.

Dear Ki,

I remember your smile, the way you would walk into a room and light the whole place up, the way when you smiled your eyes twinkled like stars. Because of your illness I didn't see you smile all that much, but when you did I felt a warmth in my heart. I remember the way you used to hug me and not let go for ages, you gave the best hugs, you used to whisper in my ear "never ever give up" and even to this day I still hear you say it. I remember that infectious giggle you had, when you started laughing you couldn't stop and it used to make me laugh so then the both of us would be sitting there laughing at nothing looking like a right pair! We were a right pair though you & me, remember that time we sat in the asda car park in your car blasting the spice girls drinking diet coke late at night? people walking past must of thought we were crazy, well we were really weren't we? You used to say I was the little sister you never had, and that you'd do anything to protect me, that all you wanted was for me to get better, you always told me that no matter how bad things are, it will get better. Remember we made that promise, that we'd do it together, we were going to get better together, the two of us, nothing was gona stop us (que rocky theme tune) I thought it was for real y'know, I felt safe, happy, with you by my side, even my mum loved you like one of her own... but then you left us. I remember the exact time, exact date, exact spot I was standing when my mum broke the news, I told her I hated her because she was lying, I screamed and cried and cried some more, it was real, I felt as though someone had stabbed me right in the heart, then I went numb. For weeks I felt numb, like I was just floating in a bubble, wasn't really living, because without you what life was there? You were basically my big sister, my best friend, the one who made everything feel better, and you were gone. Remember that time we 'tried' to bake a cake and you nearly blew up my house? I would do anything to have that moment again, anything, even just a hug, to have one more cuddle from you, to hear you tell me that everything will be okay, to see your great big smile, just one more time. Even though you're up in heaven now (hopefully big G is looking after you) I still see glimpses of you, a purple butterfly - thats you flying by to say hello, that great big star that follows me home every night - thats you protecting me, like you did when you were here, I speak to you a lot, do you hear me? I hope so, because sometimes I can almost hear you talking back to me. I hope you know how much I love you, and that I think about you every single day, I'm sorry I got sick again, I'm sorry I've not made you proud - but I am going to, I promise, I'm going to make you proud, do the things you wanted to do but couldn't, and I'll never ever forget you - you hold a special place in my heart that can never be touched, never. You were an angel on earth, and now you're my special angel up in heaven, I can't believe its been a whole year, hope you liked the flowers I left you. They're purple, of course, your favourite colour. I love you Kianna, I truely hope you are at peace now. Love always, your little sis,  xxx

my evil ghost..

They say that it gets easier in time, that when you start nourish your body up to a healthy weight your thought process changes, I've been told this so many times, and I've never really reached the stage where that's happened, in all my years of being ill I've not been at a healthy weight for longer than a month or so. It's like i've only ever got so far then BOOM i'm back to square one, it happens every time, and I'm fed up of it, I sometimes think well maybe I'll never recover? But I don't want that, I want to recover, I want to really properly get better, its just after countless failed attempts I'm back down at the bottom again, AGAIN, I dont know what to do, I seriously doubt myself. I want more than anything for this time to be different, for this to be the real deal y'know, to say goodbye to the illness that has stolen away my teenage years, lost me countless amounts of friends, turned me into nothing but a hollow shell, I want it gone, I dont want it anymore, I hate it, it's controlling, evil and deciteful - its not me anymore, its anorexia, it stole me away, THE REAL ME, where is she? she hasn't been there for many years, sometimes little glimpses come out, little sparkles of me, but never me. I'm not even sure who I am, anorexia its all ive known since about the age of 11, who am I really? what do I have to offer this big wide world? what's so good about little old me? what do I really want from life? I want to be free, I want to be happy and free and loving, I want to explore the world, want to see things from MY eyes, not anorexia's MINE. afterall this is MY body, it's my body anorexia has hurt, beaten, ruined, starved, time after time, I've fallen back into its arms. But not this time, no no no, no more anorexia, no more, you hear me? I am not your ghost anymore, I'm not your slave, I want a life, I want to live, I want a future without pain, hunger, fear, lonliness and anger - I want a future without you. This time, this last time, I swear I'm going to fight you with every last bit of me, you bring me nothing worth having - nothing, I realise that now, why would I want to come back to you? I dont, and I wont. No matter how hard you fight, no matter how loud you shout, I will rise above you, and destroy you, I will take back everything you have taken from me, EVERYTHING, and that includes MY body, its not yours to hurt anymore - its mine. so yeah, fuck you.

I had my first cullen appointment today..

Well today I had my first appointment at the Cullen Centre for Eating Disorders, I met the therapist I'm going to be seeing there and he seemed lovely. I went in with an open mind, not quite knowing what to expect, but he spoke about trying DBT and CBT therapies which both sound tough but I said I'm willing to commit to it and put in the hard work it takes to really get better, and so he is going to start seeing me in 3 to 4 months when I'm closer to being 18 (which is in August).

I'm not entirely sure what is going to be happening until then but I'm guessing/hoping that I will see someone at camhs, I need as much support as possible at the moment as my head is really not in the best of places, but after my scare last week I really am determined, scared yes, but also determined. I have a hell of a lot to live for and get better for, I just need to get myself healthier and hopefully my brain will follow suit...

the future is waiting for me....

so my body decided to give up on me..

Well as anyone who reads this blog knows, I ended up in hospital on wednesday night, but got out later that night after an overdose. I got rushed back in on friday, I was doubled over screaming in pain so my mum called nhs 24 and they got me an appt with out of hour gp on friday evening.. I knew as soon as he looked at me what he was going to say.. "you need to go to a&e NOW"
So off I went, AGAIN, to a&e. Sent straight to high dependecy unit. Turns out that because of the overdose my stomach had ruptured and I've damaged all the lining, they thought I may have been bleeding from the inside, but luckily not. So I spent my weekend in hospital hooked up to drips, doped up on medication and pain killers. It was horrible, the pain rippled through my body, and yes it was incredibly boring. Although luckily I got a room to myself which helped as the ward was full of people throwing up/screaming and all sorts. The first night I was in combined assessment and I didn't get one hours sleep, there was a man going absolutely crazy screaming and shouting and throwing things at the nurses all night, and on top of that my blood pressure was very low (apparantly due to ED) so nurses were coming in every hour doing my obs and pumping me full of more medicines!
They moved me to another ward for the second night although I was kept on close observation because my bp was still low and sodium & pottasium levels were 'dangerously low'.
I was in for 2 nights and 3 days in total, very boring, but a few of my AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL best friends came to see me and cheered me up :) I don't lie when I say my friends are the best, I am one lucky girl, and I'm gona make them proud.. xx

and once again she ends up in hospital...

I guess the title of this post kinda gives it away huh? Silly little me went a bit crazy and ended up in a&e, ibuprofen overdose, luckily I got out that night though I hate accident and emergency, its full of drunks, old people and smelly people throwing up everywhere - not nice. To be honest most of what happened is a blur, but I do know for sure - I really well and truly wanted to die, right then when I took those tablets that was the one thing on my mind, certain death. So I thought it be a good idea (clearly not in my right mind) to run away and hide out in the freezing cold all day, that way I'd be burning calories being cold, and if the overdose didnt kill me - the cold would. Obviously that didn't quite go to plan. After sevral worried texts and calls from mum and my friends, a little glimmer of ME came out, it didnt last long, it literally just sprang up and I told my best friend where I was. I instantly regretted it. About 5 minutes later she came running towards me in floods of tears, she looked so scared, hurt, broken - all because of me. she hugged me while I cried and all i could think was - look what I've done. Next thing I knew I was lying in a rather squidgy hospital bed with my mum and best friend sitting beside me being poked and proded by student nurses and doctors... it hadn't worked. Now all I can think of is how hurt and scared all these people looked, they thought I was gona die, I cant get the image out of my head - my mum, dad, brother, best friend, her mum, all worried sick they were going to lose me - I hurt them, I hadn't just hurt myself, but I've hurt everyone who loves me. Over the last couple of days since it's happened I've been assesed by various doctors and psychiatrists, who to their credit were all so lovely and understanding (bar one nurse who kept looking at me like a piece of shit and snapping at me -did you do this to kill yourself then?) I felt like saying, well why the hell else would I do this to myself? stupid woman. Anyway, the suppport and love I've got from my close friends and family, and those of my wonderful friends on twitter and from work, has just been amazing, I really am shocked at how many people care about little old me, it's opened my eyes I guess - if I died I wouldn't be just hurting myself, I'd hurt them more because they'd be the ones who'd have to live with my actions, and quite frankly seeing Jo like that on wednesday night kinda touched me, like I have no self worth of myself so to me I'm always like oh her other friends are so much better than me they dont need me theyd be better off without me, but like she geninunely was petrified of losing me, ME, yes ME, people care about me - and it made me realise that I'd be putting her through what I'm going through since losing my friend Kianna to suicide - I cant do that to the girl, I love her and all my friends and family way too much to do that to them.

So yeah that's my little episode in a nutshell there. I've learnt a few things though, it seems like someone up there really isn't ready for me to go - this was my 7th unsuccessful attempt - what does that tell ya? Also, that I have the best friends and family any girl could ever ask for - I know that with their support and the support of The Cullen Centre and camhs I will be okay. i'm gona get through this.

I just want to say thank you Jo for everything, and to Pat, and my mum and dad & Callum (and the lovely wee police man who kept trying to cheer me up and tell me it can only get better now), thank you so much, and I'm really sorry I put you all through that.
xxx