thruthfully? I'm a mess..

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm hurting SO much inside, everything hurts, I just wish it would all stop. Im tired of always feeling so shit, I'm tired of this tiredness, every day is such a drag, I don't want to leave my bed, I dont wana leave the house, I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and never move. I look horrible right now, disgusting, so fat and frumpy. I've cried myself to sleep pretty much every night for the past few weeks, I cant stop crying, I don't know what to do.

I try to talk, but who really wants to listen? none of it really makes sense. My friends are amazing, but I'm scared they're starting to hate me because im so depressing and such a mess right now, I'm no fun whatsoever, I wouldn't really blame them if they walked away. All I do right now is cry, sleep, moan, cry some more, hurt, and sleep some more. Oh yeah and work. Everyone keeps saying I'm wasting away and that I'm ill, but no, thats not the case, every morning I wake up and I look bigger, I hate myself, I look and feel huge. I sat and cried yesterday morning because all my clothes made me look fat..it sounds SO stupid right?  But it's true, i feel revolting in everything.

I know this is such a depressing post and im sorry, I'd be surprised if anyone actually read it, and most of it is just ramblings, but yeah its only a slice of whats going on. I'm sorry I'm such a mess, I just had to get it out. I'm sorry I have literally failed EVERYONE.

things have taken a turn for the worse..again...

So I dragged myself (well my mum did but still) to the GP last week, I broke down and told her everything. She was lovely, she sat and listened and asked me what was going on in that head of mines - she did my physical obs, which weren't good but lets not go in to that, and said she's very "concerned about my mental and physical well being" so she's called CAMHS and told them I need to be seen urgently. I'm scared, I'm scared of what they'll say, what they'll do, it will be outpatients that I see which is good -  I just hope I dont wait too long to get seen. Things in my head really aren't great, I'm a mess to say the least, I dont even know how to put it into words, except that I feel myself sinking further and further into this hell, every day is a chore, every waking moment is spent wishing it would all stop, these intrusive obsessive destructive thoughts are tearing me apart, tearing my family apart, everyone's constantly telling me theyre worried and that I look ill, but to me I'm huge, I'm horrible, disgusting, FAT. I dont know what I'm doing anymore, I'm lost, and scared.

I GOT LOVE BOMBED!!!

Well then, hello everyone, I can't believe I got love bombed! I was not expecting that, my amazing best friend miss Josephine is truly the bestest ever, I love you, thank you. I was sitting reading all the comments crying, I can't believe all these people took the time to give ME support and encouragement, it means so much to me, thank you so so much Josephine, and thank you everyone who took the time to comment and make me feel special. I appreciate it all very much, thank you thank you thank you!!! So much love and respect for you wonderful people xxxx

Hanging on by a thread..swinging back and forth

Sometimes I really don't know what the hell my head is saying to me. It's confusing and very contradicting at times. I still have that little teeny bit of hope in there somewhere - I know it's there, it has to be - even if I cant always feel it, I have faith that it is there. Otherwise I wouldn't have made the decision I have made - I've been referred back to Camhs as I really haven't been coping well (not my decision) things have not been good for some time now, and I've spent a lot of these past few days thinking about where my life will end up, how long I have to go etc, and I guess I've made the decision in my head - no matter how hard and distressing it may be - I am actually going to accept the help I get from Camhs, unlike before I was constantly lying and throwing it back in their faces - too engrossed in my illness to even acknowledge the meer thought of getting better, because this time, this is my last chance.. yeah there's still adult services which if things aren't any better by the time i'm 18 I will end up there, but camhs has so much more help available to me than adult services. and yeah I'm scared, I'm going to actually have to address the things that happened to me, the demons in my head, if i actually am to ever get better, and the biggie - If I am to really properly really reaaallly recover I'm going to have to face my biggest fear (every eating disorder patient's worse fear) of actually gaining weight. Yeah, I know, I cant do all this psychological work/therapy if my body/brain doesn't have the nutrition it needs to function, and I know I need help - these thoughts and things that go through my head I need help to overcome them, but I actually need to put in the effort and stick to my side of the bargain. But I'm being seriously honest here when I say I am shit scared - who isn't?

im struggling to find the words to say how I feel, so heres a few pictures that kind of cover it

"the power to shine is in every one of us"

Once again, it's been a very tough week. It's been like a rollercoaster, up then down and up and down, although it's been mostly downs lately.

 I don't know whats happening in my head right now, it feels like the ED has gained some crazy amount of power and has completely overwhelmed me, my mood has been the lowest it's been in a VERY long time, I mean I know you can't always feel happy and I accept that, but I just feel totally overwhelmed by everything at the moment. I have SO much to look forward to, have so many amazing incredible people in my life, and for that I am more than greatful, but at the same time thing's in my head aren't going too well. I hate to moan and be all depressing because I don't want to seem ungrateful, I just feel so unhappy inside, it doesn't make sense to me because I have so many positive things in my life, I hate it, I don't understand anything right now.

I know logically I am underweight, a bmi of 15.4 can't really be fat, but at the same time I look in the mirror and see this humoungus, fat, chubby, disgusting thing. I'm so uncomfortable in myself I cant even like I'll sit and cry because all my clothes make me look obese, I'm hiding under baggy tops and trackie bottoms because I just cant bare the sight of myself.. I hate this is illness, it's so contradictaory. and i know to someone on the outside how stupid i must sound 'like omg im so fat my bmi is 15.4' I know that sounds bad, but in my head its like YOU FAT BITCH. I just wish my head would let me see what everyone else sees! urghhhh. It feels like I only ever get so far in recovery then I just hit a brick wall, I've officially hit that wall, I need help.

I'm hoping this will pass, but until then, I could really use some extra support, I hate to ask and be all depressing but I needed to get this all out somehow to at least and try and make sense of it - still no further but at least I got it out, right?

simply wishing it would all just stop..

Even just for 15 minutes, I wish my head would stop, it's getting worse and worse, and I feel so out of control. It's spinning around so fast, these thoughts of self destruction and weight, they're loud and strong, and I can't handle it much longer. I'm losing the will to carry on.

The last time I had 'dangerous' thoughts like these was quite a while ago, but I was still in treatment then, and now they're back with a vengance and i'm like oh my god what do i do?! I'm trying to keep myself busy, but even my mum knows something's up, she heard me crying the other night, and walked in on me scratching and pulling profusely at my stomach trying to scrape off the fat, I was a state, she calmed me down, but it's happening more and more. It's scary.

I hate what I see in the mirror so much, hate doesn't even describe it, it's intense and painful, I can barely look in the mirror, it sounds so vain but it's just sheer hatered between my body &me, I'm caking myself in make up and plastering on a smile every day, it's a mask - inside I'm hating every minute of life right now. I've been pulling my hair out, and punching myself in the stomach and it feels good, I know thats bad, but I'm so uncomfortable and unhappy I just want to shrivel up.

So yeah I would absolutely love if my head were to shut up and start being nicer to me. I'm trying to hold on and fight through it, but it's getting harder and harder as each day goes by...

recovery - so near but yet so far...

“Today is all we have, tomorrow is a mirage that may never become reality.” - Louis L'Amour

Have you ever wanted something so bad, so so bad you'd do anything to get it? and you fight and fight to get this thing - but years later, you still don't have it, you still want it so badly, but it feels as though every time you get a step closer, it moves another step further away from you...

That's how I feel about recovery at the moment, it's like a massive tug of war in my head -

'come on get better put your all into this'

'noo come with me i'll make you happy, ill make you beautiful, you know you want to'

'no! you've got so much to look forward to come with meeee'

it's a fight between the bit of me that wants so badly to get better for good and the evil thing in my head giving me promises of 'thin' and 'happy' and 'beautiful' It feels as though as soon as I have a few good days with recovery, the thing in my head freaks out and gets a good grip of me.

I want to recover, I want to live free of this hunger, pain, weakness and lonliness, I really do, but it feels as though my head just wont let me. It has such a strong grip over me, piercing me with horrible taunts and jibes every time I eat, every mouthful is like I've committed a sin, and I'm a sucker for giving in to it, I've been bullied all my life so you'd think I'd be used to the cruel taunts,but no, I'm sensitive, I'm weak - and Anorexia knows that, it uses it to its advantage - it's worked for 6 years so why shouldn't it now?

I'm trying so hard, don't get me wrong, it's just bloody tiring this every day battle I go through, and I'm not the only one who suffers because of my head - I'm scared that I'm pushing my friends away, I'm scared they're going to get sick of me and leave - everyone else has, and I know I'm probably being paranoid as always, but, it's something I really do worry about. I can't do this on my own.

I have the most amazing friends any girl could ask for, for instance, Jo, Morven,Libby & Rachael TS, they give me purpose every day to keep going, whether it be hitting/flicking me when I'm giving in to my head, or simply wanting to spend time with me, being there for me when they can tell I'm struggling, or take the amazing friends I've made on twitter, Emma,Hannah,Jo,Sarah,Laura, & everyone ese - it means so much to me, they mean so much to me, but I feel like I dont deserve such amazing people, I'm scared I'll lose them because of all this,  so if any of you are reading this please know that I love you so much and I honestly wouldn't be here without you.

xxx