Monday, 6 February 2012

why must my head be filled with this?

I often wonder to myself, that maybe I could have done something to prevent all this happening, to prevent me from wandering down the road I did, maybe I could have stopped it, or perhaps it was going to happen anyway? I really wish more than anything that I didn't have this horrible controlling stinking eating disorder, I hate it, i hate it so much.. hear that A, I HATE YOU. I hate what it has done to my body, to mind, to my family & my friends, to my relationships with people in general, to the way I view the world. When I was within the grips of anorexia I turned into this selfish, lying, sneaky, withdrawn, obsessed mess.. why did I ever think I was doing the right thing? well in my mind I was, at least thats what A told me, and why did I believe her? I had no friends, I was lonely, being bullied and it came along and gave me promises of 'people will like you better if you're thin' and 'I'll be your friend' and so I believed it after a while, I honestly thought people would like me and would stop bullying me if I was thin...I should have known. and the thing is, once I started I honestly couldn't stop, excersise - I was well and truely addicted, 500 sit ups in the morning, 300 at night, 800 star jumps a day, I used to go the gym alone and work out for HOURS telling my mum I was out with friends. I LOVED IT. I loved excersise, it was a way to punish my fat, disgusting body, to get rid of all the fat and lumps, it gave me control and got out all my anger. I remember the doctor at the hospital the first time I went in told me that if she didn't take me in to hospital and I continued excersising & restricting the way I was, I would die, I was slowly killing myself, my bones were weak and brittle, my heart was begining to fuck up, I was depressed, and all for what? 

I guess I get angry at myself for wasting so much of my teenage years, well all of them so far, on this horrific illness. Now I'm slowly begining to live again, I'm realising just how much I've missed out on. And my head is still not where I want it to be,  I still absolutely hate my body, all I can think about is calories and fat and how much I'm going to eat, its CONSTANTLY on my mind and I hate it, I just want it all to go away, my head is filled with this stuff day in day out, and that's why I'm finding this so flipping hard.. wouldn't it be good if we could just empty our heads of everything? like pouring the rubbish into the bin, then maybe I'd be free, but in reality the only way to be free is to fight, is to soldier on and eat...

1 comment:

  1. It sucks. I know but you're not that girl you were.
    You can get better. You can beat this