Thursday, 23 February 2012

my mind is hurting me, a lot.

I'm going to be brutally honest here, these last few weeks I have been well and truely kicking my eating disorder in the face, like I'm surprised at how well I've been doing.... I've been challenging myself everyday really pushing myself out of my comfort zone & im following a weight gain meal plan!  thats physically, but in my head its another story...

I'm finding it hard to put into words whats going on in my head without sounding triggering or anything, but like, it feels as though the more I fight it the louder the voice inside my head gets, every mouthful I take it's like 'you fucking fat disgusting bitch, this is going to make you fat, nobody likes fat people' and it's harder than you'd think to just simply ignore it, I mean don't get me wrong I aint giving up, but honestly im struggling so much to cope with the thoughts that are going through my head. i cant look in the mirror, I literally burst out crying, like sobbing intensly last night because I hated what I saw so much, and I know weight gain is what i NEED to get better, and ive accepted that, i just think i need to avoid full length mirrors!!

I want to get better, I WANT to eat these things, I want to live a life without this pain - I'm trying harder than i ever have before, and I am proud of myself - like today i ate a chocolate brownie in starbucks & guess what? I freaking loved it. yes, you read right, I FREAKING LOVED THAT DARN CHOCOLATE BROWNIE. So regardless of how strong the thoughts in my head me be, I certainly won't be giving up anytime soon. Go on, make me feel disgusting, greedy, fat, dirty, but it aint gona stop me!!

I'm finally on the right track, and i have some incredible friends and family around me who I know will support me and hold my hand through this. Recovery IS possible, and I'm determined to prove it.


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