I'm sorry if anyone actually reads this, because it's just a big long rant about myself, i just need to get it out somehow.
I have been really trying to get better y'know, really putting my all into it, until now I seem to have hit a brick wall. I cant look at myself, I just disgust myself, all i can see is rolls and rolls of fat, disgusting saggy fatness. My mind seems to have completely taken over, A seems to have mustered up all this strength and power, and I cant fight it. It's SO incredibly loud and overpowering, its like someone has drained all the fight out of me and ive just flopped. I had a total breakdown the other night, sobbing and screaming in the mirror trying to pull and tug at all my fat, I hate it, I hate me, i hate my body, i hate everything. I seem to have just ballooned and I dont like it one bit, I cant do this, I tried, but i cant, im just too fat and revolting, maybe i dont deserve to get better, I went out with friends the other night and i ate a whole pizza, I went home and cried for what seemed like hours. I have all this stuff in my head and i cant fight it, I cant get better with all this being so overpowering. I'm sorry, im nothing but a failure, a fat, disgusting worthless failure of a person. I feel so beaten and weak right now, all these thoughts and voices running through my head its like a whirwhind and im just sitting there like wow what the hell is happening. so yeah, once again, i fail, im fat and horrible and i literally just want to curl up in a ball and cry forever untill I can no longer breathe. I have a tendancy to bottle things up and then it all just bubbles over and im swamped by it all, i hate how strong the illness has got, i just dont know what to do anymore...
there's no point in me telling you that you're not fat because my words will just fall on deaf ears. but i will remind you that you weigh less that 38kgs therefore your bmi is under 15.5 ergo, you cannot be fat.
ReplyDeleteyou're not going to give up. why? because i sure as hell won't let you.
we are going out for tea tonight with R and we will both eat a pizza EACH - though, i will allow it be one of those ones with the holes in the middle because i don't think hours of crying over a pizza is helpful for anyone, especially not my conscience.
you won't fail unless you give into the eating disorder and as far as i know you haven't given in to ed so you can't have failed.
i love you lots munchkin.
x xx
p.s. minding me needs you but unless you are better then how can others have you are their inspiration?