I'm not giving up..

Apologies for yesterdays horrible rant!

As you can probably tell from that I've been having a tough week, but I'm determined to fight through it as always. I've put SO much work in over the last 6 years, and yeah I'm not better yet, but if I give up now I'll be throwing away everyone's (and my) hard work - what's the point in that? It can only get better right? And something Jo said to me yesterday made so much sense, I'm very underweight so my brain can't be functioning properly - hence why my thoughts are so messed up at the moment, my body is struggling, and so is my mind. But theres one thing I can do to change all that right?

I have so much to look forward to, so much to work towards - minding me, college(fingers crossed), I just want to get rid of it all, I want to get better SO SO much, it's bloody hard, but I can do it right? I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends (especially Jo) to keep me on the right track and flick me when im being silly!

Motivation? TICK. Friends & family. TICK. a future? TICK.

just a big rambling post

I'm sorry if anyone actually reads this, because it's just a big long rant about myself, i just need to get it out somehow.

I have been really trying to get better y'know, really putting my all into it, until now I seem to have hit a brick wall. I cant look at myself, I just disgust myself, all i can see is rolls and rolls of fat, disgusting saggy fatness. My mind seems to have completely taken over, A seems to have mustered up all this strength and power, and I cant fight it. It's SO incredibly loud and overpowering, its like someone has drained all the fight out of me and ive just flopped. I had a total breakdown the other night, sobbing and screaming in the mirror trying to pull and tug at all my fat, I hate it, I hate me, i hate my body, i hate everything. I seem to have just ballooned and I dont like it one bit, I cant do this, I tried, but i cant, im just too fat and revolting, maybe i dont deserve to get better, I went out with friends the other night and i ate a whole pizza, I went home and cried for what seemed like hours. I have all this stuff in my head and i cant fight it, I cant get better with all this being so overpowering. I'm sorry, im nothing but a failure, a fat, disgusting worthless failure of a person. I feel so beaten and weak right now, all these thoughts and voices running through my head its like a whirwhind and im just sitting there like wow what the hell is happening. so yeah, once again, i fail, im fat and horrible and i literally just want to curl up in a ball and cry forever untill I can no longer breathe. I have a tendancy to bottle things up and then it all just bubbles over and im swamped by it all, i hate how strong the illness has got, i just dont know what to do anymore...

my mind is hurting me, a lot.

I'm going to be brutally honest here, these last few weeks I have been well and truely kicking my eating disorder in the face, like I'm surprised at how well I've been doing.... I've been challenging myself everyday really pushing myself out of my comfort zone & im following a weight gain meal plan!  thats physically, but in my head its another story...

I'm finding it hard to put into words whats going on in my head without sounding triggering or anything, but like, it feels as though the more I fight it the louder the voice inside my head gets, every mouthful I take it's like 'you fucking fat disgusting bitch, this is going to make you fat, nobody likes fat people' and it's harder than you'd think to just simply ignore it, I mean don't get me wrong I aint giving up, but honestly im struggling so much to cope with the thoughts that are going through my head. i cant look in the mirror, I literally burst out crying, like sobbing intensly last night because I hated what I saw so much, and I know weight gain is what i NEED to get better, and ive accepted that, i just think i need to avoid full length mirrors!!

I want to get better, I WANT to eat these things, I want to live a life without this pain - I'm trying harder than i ever have before, and I am proud of myself - like today i ate a chocolate brownie in starbucks & guess what? I freaking loved it. yes, you read right, I FREAKING LOVED THAT DARN CHOCOLATE BROWNIE. So regardless of how strong the thoughts in my head me be, I certainly won't be giving up anytime soon. Go on, make me feel disgusting, greedy, fat, dirty, but it aint gona stop me!!

I'm finally on the right track, and i have some incredible friends and family around me who I know will support me and hold my hand through this. Recovery IS possible, and I'm determined to prove it.

xxx

laughter, shopping, catching up & gossiping - an amazing weekend

I have had such a fantastic weekend, and thought I'd update you all on my latest shananigans!

I went up to see one of my close friends in Aberdeen who's in Robert Gordon University up there, for the weekend. I got the bus up - 3 hour journey actually wasnt that bad! It was so good to see her it's been so long! And quite ironcally actually she's studying nutrition and dietetics - which is quite funny considering me & my y'know, issues. But yeah so I stayed with her for the weekend, she's living in the uni halls with 7 other girls, and honestly it was so much fun, they're all so lovely & friendly! Some of the things they get up to just make me wana go to uni even more, they have so much fun! It was snowing on the saturday night, and a few of the guys from the flat opposite went outside and had a snowball fight - with their tops off! One of the girls, Jess, came home at 4 this morning after being out clubbing - she was absolutely paraletic & kept telling us she loved us all and that she had pulled 3 guys in the one night!

We done LOTS of shopping, and I mean LOTS, I dont think ive ever felt as tired as I did when we got home on saturday! It was also so good to be around lots of girls who dont give a shit about their weight and dont talk about that sort of stuff, they're just normal, happy girls - thats what i wana be like! We sat on saturday night and watched every episode of the inbetweeners, didnt get to bed till the back of 1 because we were sitting chatting and giggling all night!

I cannot wait to go to university - thats definitely one of my goals to get better for!
anyways, hope you lovelys are all doing good,

much love
xxxxxx

dear eating disorder...

For the last 6 years you have had all the control, you have been in the driving seat of MY life, for so long I have followed YOUR rules and obeyed your commands. You've put me in hospital time after time, you've turned me into nothing but a shell of the girl I once was, you stripped me of my dignity and self respect, and to put it bluntly you would have killed me had I not plucked up the courage to fight against you.

I can hear you squriming away in  my head, getting agitated and frustarted, because you know I'm really serious this time. Shouting at me, kicking me down, making me paranoid and scared, thats what you're doing now, you are desperately trying to grab me back into your clutches.. but guess what? You can throw ANYTHING at me, ANYTHING, and I won't give in. You and me? no more.
I'm fighting back against you, really well and truely tearing you to shreds, and I will continue until you are nothing but a memory and I am free from your evil controlling ways. You can say anything you want, try all the tactics you used in the past, but deep down you're squirming because you know that this is it.

I mean business bitch, and I'll happily watch you squirm!

So I'll say goodbye to all the pain, to the suffering, the lonliness, the fear, and I'll say hello to the journey of recovery. It's scary and it's hard but I'm absolutely done with you. I'm looking to the future now, and it's exciting.

your former slave, Rachael xxx

on the right path...

So, last week it hit me that maybe I need a bit of help with the whole weight gain malarky, and after a wee chat with my best friend we thought that a recovery meal plan is the best way to go, and Jo being the absolute super star that she is sent me a wee draft one based on what she knows/learnt, and I've been following that for 2 days now. I can't sit here and say it's easy, because I know i'm eating more than I was before, but I know it's what I have to do to get better, and for once I actually want to get better - like with all my soul, I don't want to be this person anymore, I want to be free, healthy, happy and recovered. It seems to take a long time and sometimes I just think gaahh i wish i could just hurry up and get better already! but I know it's going to be sooo worth it!

I've really been challenging myself lately, like having things like cake, and having what I would class as 'extra' food, for example my brother got a massive bag of haribo the other night and I ate quite a few of them with him, where as before I'd allow myself 1 or 2, and y'know what? it felt fucking brilliant. it's the little things like that that give me the tiny snippets of how it feels to be a normal teenager. When I was at church on sunday with Jo, she got me an 'extra' biscuit and I didnt question it or argue I didnt need it I just ate it, and it was good, thank you Jo.

fuck you eating disorder. Fuck you, and fuck you some more.
I don't need you, I don't want you, I'm going to let my friends & family help me gain weight and get better, no resisting, no just sitting on the edge, like im really going to beat you this time, and there isn't a thing you can do to stop me, so HAHAHA IN YOUR UGLY LITTLE FACE. I'm gona sit and watch you squirm while I fight back against you, yes that's right, ME, the girl you've had complete control over for so many years now, i'm fighting back, hope you like it!

why do I want to get better?

so basically, I struggle with my motivation sometimes, and came up with a little idea of creating a blog post with my reasons, inspirations and quoutes for getting better. I think it helps me when im finding it tough to see everything I want to achieve written down, because I know I need to be better to achieve these things and just yeah so here goes..

There are SO many pro's to recovery, here are just a few of mines-

not constantly feeling cold, tired and weak.
having energy to go out and do normal things like meeting friends&going out for meals
being able to go the gym!
being able to sustain the career I want - (i want to be a childrens nurse)
being well enough to go uni!!
not having people constantly worrying and moaning at me about food
being able to follow my dream of helping other young people going through what I have
going on holiday with friends!
learning to drive and getting my own wee car.
being able to do things without tiredness taking over.

and those are just a few! I can see that there's SO many reasons to get better, I don't want to be ravaged by this illness all my life - I want to be free & happy and not care about my weight or food. I don't want my life to be controlled by numbers..

"fall down seven times - stand up eight"
"if plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters!"
"Learn from yesterday, Live for today, and hope for tomorrow" 
"Nothing is impossible - the word itself says 'I'm possible!'"
"You are never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream"

I won't let this beat me, I want my life back, and I'm going to get it - no matter what it takes. Recovery isn't easy, but it's sure as hell going to be worthwhile <3

xxx

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller..

I will DESTROY you anorexia.. Call it karma babes...

why must my head be filled with this?

I often wonder to myself, that maybe I could have done something to prevent all this happening, to prevent me from wandering down the road I did, maybe I could have stopped it, or perhaps it was going to happen anyway? I really wish more than anything that I didn't have this horrible controlling stinking eating disorder, I hate it, i hate it so much.. hear that A, I HATE YOU. I hate what it has done to my body, to mind, to my family & my friends, to my relationships with people in general, to the way I view the world. When I was within the grips of anorexia I turned into this selfish, lying, sneaky, withdrawn, obsessed mess.. why did I ever think I was doing the right thing? well in my mind I was, at least thats what A told me, and why did I believe her? I had no friends, I was lonely, being bullied and it came along and gave me promises of 'people will like you better if you're thin' and 'I'll be your friend' and so I believed it after a while, I honestly thought people would like me and would stop bullying me if I was thin...I should have known. and the thing is, once I started I honestly couldn't stop, excersise - I was well and truely addicted, 500 sit ups in the morning, 300 at night, 800 star jumps a day, I used to go the gym alone and work out for HOURS telling my mum I was out with friends. I LOVED IT. I loved excersise, it was a way to punish my fat, disgusting body, to get rid of all the fat and lumps, it gave me control and got out all my anger. I remember the doctor at the hospital the first time I went in told me that if she didn't take me in to hospital and I continued excersising & restricting the way I was, I would die, I was slowly killing myself, my bones were weak and brittle, my heart was begining to fuck up, I was depressed, and all for what? 

I guess I get angry at myself for wasting so much of my teenage years, well all of them so far, on this horrific illness. Now I'm slowly begining to live again, I'm realising just how much I've missed out on. And my head is still not where I want it to be,  I still absolutely hate my body, all I can think about is calories and fat and how much I'm going to eat, its CONSTANTLY on my mind and I hate it, I just want it all to go away, my head is filled with this stuff day in day out, and that's why I'm finding this so flipping hard.. wouldn't it be good if we could just empty our heads of everything? like pouring the rubbish into the bin, then maybe I'd be free, but in reality the only way to be free is to fight, is to soldier on and eat...

media frustration!!

everywhere I look people are being rewarded and praised for losing weight and dieting, people are talking about all the new diets and how much weight they're losing, and honestly its hard. Its hard to sit here knowing im gaining weight while everyone around me seems to be losing it, and i know its what i need to do, its just this time of year is horrible for a recovering eating disordered patient. all the tv programmes, magazine articles, leaflets - they're everywhere i turn.. 'lose a stone in a month' 'get rid of that fat!' and bla bla bla, i guess its all just mounting up around me and im like aaaaaaggghhhhh get away from me! even in the staff room at work while im sitting eating my lunch of cheese sandwich and chocolate, all i can hear is 'yeah im doing weight watchers and iv lost so much weight already' 'look at this salad its only got 50 calories like omg!' i feel like screaming, HAVE SOME FUCKING CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS!!!! *and breaaaatheeee*
rant over, sorry im just finding it difficult but i needed to get it out!!