up, up, and away

I dont really know how to start this off, because there's just so so much going through my head right now and its all jumbled and rather mixed up, so my apologies if this doesn't make much sense but I need to get it all out of my head.

I literally feel as though I have been punched in the face, my weight went up again today and I feel absolutely awful (which isn't unusual for me) and I know it's the only way I can get better but still it feels horrible. I burst into tears when I stepped on those darn scales, it frustrates me how that number has SO much control over me, and after being weighed today I done something really stupid. I am annoyed at myself for it. But seeing that number go up AGAIN, just made me want to scratch my eyeballs out, so I may have like not eaten all day (I got weighed in the morning). Please dont hate me, I know now it wasnt the right thing to do - and I forced myself to have a bigger dinner, and I told my mum what happened and explained to her I may need a bit more support the next few days, because for me seeing my weight go up is like 'erm excuse me make it go down' but ahbbhwfi  WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THAT?! I feel like I've failed, everyone, everything, Im sorry. But it's not going to happen again. Tomorrow is a new day, right?

The horrible thing is, now that I am trying to eat more and sort out the eating disorder side of things, everything else is getting worse. For so long I didn't really have to feel/think about anything because I was on such a high from starvation and was so focused on staying ill, it took over everything, but now I am feeling things again, horrible horrible thoughts and emotions, horrible vivid flashbacks of things I desperately dont want to remember, and I dont know what to do with them. I am scared,  my head is horrible right now, I dont know how to cope with everything. I feel so engulfed by it all.

Also, my appetite has really started to come back now and I am absolute petrified I'm going to lose control and not be able to stop eating. I AM SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME and it's scary, I'm scared I'm already eating too much, I'm scared my weight will just keep going up and up and up and I will end up like one of those obese people on tv :'( I never feel full now, and I'm like aaahhhhh Ive already eaten so much why am I STILL hungry?!! owuqiyyf :(

Blehh, I feel like a big fat disgusting pig. I cannot stand the sight of myself and my body, I just want to hide away forever so nobody has to see me :(

My body is changing and I dont like it..

I dont know if it is just my eyes and head, or if everyone else sees this, but my body is really starting to change. For the first time in months I cant feel my hip&rib bones as much, and as sad as it may sound that scares the living shit out of me because for me being able to feel my bones protrude so far out gave me some sort of sick satisfaction and I liked it. But I was having a shower last night and I burst into tears because I looked down at my body and what I saw was so different and big compared to what used to be there. It repulsed me. So there I was sitting crying in the shower because my bones dont show as much, how fucking sad is that. I felt annoyed at myself for being so upset about it because I actually do want to get better, but I feel so uncomfortable in my body and I'm so ashamed of it right now. I wouldn't even let the doctor feel my tummy the other day because I cant bare the thought of anyone seeing it. It feels as though the more I'm fighting against ana the louder she is getting. Every single day I have to fight with all my will to resist her, I hate how every single day every moment is focused around food and my weight. I just want to have fun and not think about it all the time. I just feel so unhappy inside and outside, why isnt this getting any easier? :(

A big black hole

My life. That's how it feels right now, just a big black hole. As each day passes my mood seems to be dipping even further and everything hurts a little more. I've lost my fighting spirit to say the least, but I didn't want to tell anyone because I dont want everyone to be dissapointed in me, see I am trying, but I cant hold it in anymore. I am a mess. I can feel myself slipping further and further into depression land and I honestly dont know what to do.  My "treatment team" seriously dont seem to give two flying shits. My doctor says I'm fine, even though I expressed my suicidal feelings to her quite strongly, and she said shes happy with my weight as it is (even though it is "seriously underweight"). Yeah because I am fucking fat.

 I really want to join a gym, they said I'm fine physically so why shouldn't I? I hate my body so much I am REPULSED by it so maybe a little exercise may make me feel a bit better. Or it could go the other way, and with the way I am feeling right now I suspect the latter is most likely. But I am fat. I hate myself. And I seriously do not know how much more of this I can take. I just want it all to end.

I knew it would hurt, but not this much..

It's been over a month now that I've been following my weight gain meal plan and so obviously my weight was going to go up. It's common sense really. So I had prepared myself for my weigh in yesterday.. at least I thought I had. I told myself it was going to go up and that it had to go up at some point anyway, so I went in thinking right this isn't going to be very nice but I'll be okay. I wasn't okay. Far from it in fact.

The doctor opens the door to the treatment room and with a click it closes behind us. I can feel my heart racing, pounding in my chest, BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM, everything is spinning around me so fast, I feel sick, I dont want to step on the scales, I dont want to see, I dont want to know.
I step on the scales, the number flashes up, I step off again. On, off, just like that. It's done, it's over, the number went up as expected. I didn't expect to feel quite so awful though, I thought that because I want to get better now it would be okay. It really wasn't. I feel a tear stream down my cheek, and another, and another, "well done, I'm very proud" the doctor says, trying to make me feel better, I tell her what's going through my head. It went up by too much, I'm  fat now, I'm fat and I hate it, its too much, the number is too high, I knew it would go up, but I wish I didn't have to see. I wipe away the tears as she takes my blood pressure and tells me that it's still very low, usually that would be give me a sort of comfort, but I just feel sad. She tells me I'm still very underweight and that I need to keep going, the first weight gain is mainly water and help to fix my organs, so I need to take a deep breath. I feel dissapointed in a way, disappointed that actually I amn't okay, that the voice in my head has suddenly turned up a notch, I feel sad, I'm self concious and scared that I look fat now.

 I feel so unhappy in myself and I hate my body right now, it's as I've walked straight into a brick wall. I go home, I dont eat much, Im not hungry, still swallowing the weight gain, trying to tell myself that it's okay, that its good, but A isnt happy, it's screaming and screaming, and so I go out with my friend for the day, I eat, but in my heart I know its not enough. A tells me I'm doing good and that I need to stop the weight gain, I listen for a while, sulking in my sadness and hatered of the situation. I pretend I'm okay, that I'm happy and I dont care, but I do.

Suddenly I realise what I'm doing, what I always used to do if I gained weight - listen to A and do what it tells me, slip back into its clutches. I'm restricting to make up for the weight gain. It's such an easy trap to fall into. But I've noticed, and I fight back, I eat some chocolate and pick myself back up. I'm determined and I will not give in, this is what I need to do to get better, restricting again isn't going to make it easier or make it go away, it's going to make it worse.

 I'm still feeling really rubbish and low and just not very good about the whole thing, but I know deep down that I'm doing the right thing. I just wish it wasn't so hard....