pros & cons.

I decided to make a list of the pros and cons of giving into my illness, and safe to say I was shocked at the amount of cons I came up with, so I decided I'd share it with you guys in the hope that you may be able to help me come up with more. It oftens helps me to see these things written down, like having evidence against what the voice in my head is telling me, because right now, this is one loud voice

so...

Pros & cons to letting anorexia win.

pros:

I will be thin.

cons:

I'll be miserable, tired and hungry all the time.

Most likely end up in hospital

Be up at royal edinburgh all my life

Not be able to go to uni and become a nurse

Wont be well enough to go out with friends

too unwell to go on holidays

wont get married as I'll spend all my time in and out of hospitals

not be able to have my own kids

I'll end up pushing away all my friends

I'll have to watch my friends go on and make something of their lives while I'm stuck at home on bed rest too ill to leave the house, they'll move on without me

My family will be constantly having a go at me trying to make me eat

I'll be in constant pain, have no energy and feel weak and dizzy all the time

I will die young

wont be able to be a part of Minding Me

Will never be able to enjoy food

Wont get boobs

wont be able to go shopping and will forever live in childrens clothes

Everyone around me will be constantly worried about me

My life will revolve around lying, exercising, hospital appointments and starving.

Now thats a lot, right?!

remembering my best friend, one year on.

Dear Ki,

I remember your smile, the way you would walk into a room and light the whole place up, the way when you smiled your eyes twinkled like stars. Because of your illness I didn't see you smile all that much, but when you did I felt a warmth in my heart. I remember the way you used to hug me and not let go for ages, you gave the best hugs, you used to whisper in my ear "never ever give up" and even to this day I still hear you say it. I remember that infectious giggle you had, when you started laughing you couldn't stop and it used to make me laugh so then the both of us would be sitting there laughing at nothing looking like a right pair! We were a right pair though you & me, remember that time we sat in the asda car park in your car blasting the spice girls drinking diet coke late at night? people walking past must of thought we were crazy, well we were really weren't we? You used to say I was the little sister you never had, and that you'd do anything to protect me, that all you wanted was for me to get better, you always told me that no matter how bad things are, it will get better. Remember we made that promise, that we'd do it together, we were going to get better together, the two of us, nothing was gona stop us (que rocky theme tune) I thought it was for real y'know, I felt safe, happy, with you by my side, even my mum loved you like one of her own... but then you left us. I remember the exact time, exact date, exact spot I was standing when my mum broke the news, I told her I hated her because she was lying, I screamed and cried and cried some more, it was real, I felt as though someone had stabbed me right in the heart, then I went numb. For weeks I felt numb, like I was just floating in a bubble, wasn't really living, because without you what life was there? You were basically my big sister, my best friend, the one who made everything feel better, and you were gone. Remember that time we 'tried' to bake a cake and you nearly blew up my house? I would do anything to have that moment again, anything, even just a hug, to have one more cuddle from you, to hear you tell me that everything will be okay, to see your great big smile, just one more time. Even though you're up in heaven now (hopefully big G is looking after you) I still see glimpses of you, a purple butterfly - thats you flying by to say hello, that great big star that follows me home every night - thats you protecting me, like you did when you were here, I speak to you a lot, do you hear me? I hope so, because sometimes I can almost hear you talking back to me. I hope you know how much I love you, and that I think about you every single day, I'm sorry I got sick again, I'm sorry I've not made you proud - but I am going to, I promise, I'm going to make you proud, do the things you wanted to do but couldn't, and I'll never ever forget you - you hold a special place in my heart that can never be touched, never. You were an angel on earth, and now you're my special angel up in heaven, I can't believe its been a whole year, hope you liked the flowers I left you. They're purple, of course, your favourite colour. I love you Kianna, I truely hope you are at peace now. Love always, your little sis,  xxx

my evil ghost..

They say that it gets easier in time, that when you start nourish your body up to a healthy weight your thought process changes, I've been told this so many times, and I've never really reached the stage where that's happened, in all my years of being ill I've not been at a healthy weight for longer than a month or so. It's like i've only ever got so far then BOOM i'm back to square one, it happens every time, and I'm fed up of it, I sometimes think well maybe I'll never recover? But I don't want that, I want to recover, I want to really properly get better, its just after countless failed attempts I'm back down at the bottom again, AGAIN, I dont know what to do, I seriously doubt myself. I want more than anything for this time to be different, for this to be the real deal y'know, to say goodbye to the illness that has stolen away my teenage years, lost me countless amounts of friends, turned me into nothing but a hollow shell, I want it gone, I dont want it anymore, I hate it, it's controlling, evil and deciteful - its not me anymore, its anorexia, it stole me away, THE REAL ME, where is she? she hasn't been there for many years, sometimes little glimpses come out, little sparkles of me, but never me. I'm not even sure who I am, anorexia its all ive known since about the age of 11, who am I really? what do I have to offer this big wide world? what's so good about little old me? what do I really want from life? I want to be free, I want to be happy and free and loving, I want to explore the world, want to see things from MY eyes, not anorexia's MINE. afterall this is MY body, it's my body anorexia has hurt, beaten, ruined, starved, time after time, I've fallen back into its arms. But not this time, no no no, no more anorexia, no more, you hear me? I am not your ghost anymore, I'm not your slave, I want a life, I want to live, I want a future without pain, hunger, fear, lonliness and anger - I want a future without you. This time, this last time, I swear I'm going to fight you with every last bit of me, you bring me nothing worth having - nothing, I realise that now, why would I want to come back to you? I dont, and I wont. No matter how hard you fight, no matter how loud you shout, I will rise above you, and destroy you, I will take back everything you have taken from me, EVERYTHING, and that includes MY body, its not yours to hurt anymore - its mine. so yeah, fuck you.

I had my first cullen appointment today..

Well today I had my first appointment at the Cullen Centre for Eating Disorders, I met the therapist I'm going to be seeing there and he seemed lovely. I went in with an open mind, not quite knowing what to expect, but he spoke about trying DBT and CBT therapies which both sound tough but I said I'm willing to commit to it and put in the hard work it takes to really get better, and so he is going to start seeing me in 3 to 4 months when I'm closer to being 18 (which is in August).

I'm not entirely sure what is going to be happening until then but I'm guessing/hoping that I will see someone at camhs, I need as much support as possible at the moment as my head is really not in the best of places, but after my scare last week I really am determined, scared yes, but also determined. I have a hell of a lot to live for and get better for, I just need to get myself healthier and hopefully my brain will follow suit...

the future is waiting for me....

so my body decided to give up on me..

Well as anyone who reads this blog knows, I ended up in hospital on wednesday night, but got out later that night after an overdose. I got rushed back in on friday, I was doubled over screaming in pain so my mum called nhs 24 and they got me an appt with out of hour gp on friday evening.. I knew as soon as he looked at me what he was going to say.. "you need to go to a&e NOW"
So off I went, AGAIN, to a&e. Sent straight to high dependecy unit. Turns out that because of the overdose my stomach had ruptured and I've damaged all the lining, they thought I may have been bleeding from the inside, but luckily not. So I spent my weekend in hospital hooked up to drips, doped up on medication and pain killers. It was horrible, the pain rippled through my body, and yes it was incredibly boring. Although luckily I got a room to myself which helped as the ward was full of people throwing up/screaming and all sorts. The first night I was in combined assessment and I didn't get one hours sleep, there was a man going absolutely crazy screaming and shouting and throwing things at the nurses all night, and on top of that my blood pressure was very low (apparantly due to ED) so nurses were coming in every hour doing my obs and pumping me full of more medicines!
They moved me to another ward for the second night although I was kept on close observation because my bp was still low and sodium & pottasium levels were 'dangerously low'.
I was in for 2 nights and 3 days in total, very boring, but a few of my AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL best friends came to see me and cheered me up :) I don't lie when I say my friends are the best, I am one lucky girl, and I'm gona make them proud.. xx

and once again she ends up in hospital...

I guess the title of this post kinda gives it away huh? Silly little me went a bit crazy and ended up in a&e, ibuprofen overdose, luckily I got out that night though I hate accident and emergency, its full of drunks, old people and smelly people throwing up everywhere - not nice. To be honest most of what happened is a blur, but I do know for sure - I really well and truly wanted to die, right then when I took those tablets that was the one thing on my mind, certain death. So I thought it be a good idea (clearly not in my right mind) to run away and hide out in the freezing cold all day, that way I'd be burning calories being cold, and if the overdose didnt kill me - the cold would. Obviously that didn't quite go to plan. After sevral worried texts and calls from mum and my friends, a little glimmer of ME came out, it didnt last long, it literally just sprang up and I told my best friend where I was. I instantly regretted it. About 5 minutes later she came running towards me in floods of tears, she looked so scared, hurt, broken - all because of me. she hugged me while I cried and all i could think was - look what I've done. Next thing I knew I was lying in a rather squidgy hospital bed with my mum and best friend sitting beside me being poked and proded by student nurses and doctors... it hadn't worked. Now all I can think of is how hurt and scared all these people looked, they thought I was gona die, I cant get the image out of my head - my mum, dad, brother, best friend, her mum, all worried sick they were going to lose me - I hurt them, I hadn't just hurt myself, but I've hurt everyone who loves me. Over the last couple of days since it's happened I've been assesed by various doctors and psychiatrists, who to their credit were all so lovely and understanding (bar one nurse who kept looking at me like a piece of shit and snapping at me -did you do this to kill yourself then?) I felt like saying, well why the hell else would I do this to myself? stupid woman. Anyway, the suppport and love I've got from my close friends and family, and those of my wonderful friends on twitter and from work, has just been amazing, I really am shocked at how many people care about little old me, it's opened my eyes I guess - if I died I wouldn't be just hurting myself, I'd hurt them more because they'd be the ones who'd have to live with my actions, and quite frankly seeing Jo like that on wednesday night kinda touched me, like I have no self worth of myself so to me I'm always like oh her other friends are so much better than me they dont need me theyd be better off without me, but like she geninunely was petrified of losing me, ME, yes ME, people care about me - and it made me realise that I'd be putting her through what I'm going through since losing my friend Kianna to suicide - I cant do that to the girl, I love her and all my friends and family way too much to do that to them.

So yeah that's my little episode in a nutshell there. I've learnt a few things though, it seems like someone up there really isn't ready for me to go - this was my 7th unsuccessful attempt - what does that tell ya? Also, that I have the best friends and family any girl could ever ask for - I know that with their support and the support of The Cullen Centre and camhs I will be okay. i'm gona get through this.

I just want to say thank you Jo for everything, and to Pat, and my mum and dad & Callum (and the lovely wee police man who kept trying to cheer me up and tell me it can only get better now), thank you so much, and I'm really sorry I put you all through that.
xxx